#1
tell me what you think hasnt been changed much from the orignal thought.
give me some critizim im not much of a poet and its for my 1 year aniversary gift.thnx!


I felt it too.
That odd Autumn chill.
The one we get
only this time of year.
Im without your warmth.
Your presence diminished here
more so as the seasons change.
less does your warmth feel near.
No you,no laugh,no smile.
My pictures are visionless.
My songs have been sour.
My foods have gone tasteless.
Not how they used to be.
You've captured my dreams
we laughed,we smiled
then i wake to see its gone
your old bedside,empty.
This phsycosis wont end.
This ache wont deplete.
Soon enough the Autumn chill
will turn this heart cold.
I hope for your light
to see once more.
Quote by Allnightmask22

Alternatively, have your friends hold him down, then take a dump in his mouth, make sure your genitals don't touch him though, that's gay.

Quote by RageAgainst...
Teddy-Metal
for those who like to mosh, but just wanna cuddle afterwards

smashing pumkins fans=)^
Last edited by brooklynsoulja1 at Sep 9, 2008,
#2
I guess I don't get it cuz to me it sounds like you broke up and you want her back... which is kind of the theme of the song im writing
Quote by Rockford_rocks

As for me, I used to think you got a girl pregnant by sleeping naked in the same bed as her (no contact whatsoever), or by peeing down her throat.


Quote by foob85
Fap, take a nap, level my hunter to 80, and fap again. All in 30 seconds.
#4
good stuff, did you mean to put "see me" instead of "me see" for the last line though? if not clear that up, but otherwise nicee
#5
its not a break up poem its that she moved to another state were i only see her on holidays and its based on missing her being bak here and the long distance relatinship

get it a lil more?

and yea thnx i fixed that at the end=P
Quote by Allnightmask22

Alternatively, have your friends hold him down, then take a dump in his mouth, make sure your genitals don't touch him though, that's gay.

Quote by RageAgainst...
Teddy-Metal
for those who like to mosh, but just wanna cuddle afterwards

smashing pumkins fans=)^
#6
Yeah I do, thats MUCH MUCH MUCH better than I could do... mine is more direct then having any metaphors... but if I write about ANYTHING else. all I can write is metaphors :\
Quote by Rockford_rocks

As for me, I used to think you got a girl pregnant by sleeping naked in the same bed as her (no contact whatsoever), or by peeing down her throat.


Quote by foob85
Fap, take a nap, level my hunter to 80, and fap again. All in 30 seconds.
#7
lol yea im used to writing things that have a rhyme scheme and such ive never really wrote a poem without rhyme.My gf is the poetic one and she writes poems without rhymes and its awesomeness.Im not sure if im supposed to have a sort of flow to reading it because i have none now
Quote by Allnightmask22

Alternatively, have your friends hold him down, then take a dump in his mouth, make sure your genitals don't touch him though, that's gay.

Quote by RageAgainst...
Teddy-Metal
for those who like to mosh, but just wanna cuddle afterwards

smashing pumkins fans=)^