#1
So a precursor to this, I am entirely new to this and have never attempted anything like this before, so yes I know its probably cliche and dumb but I seriously want to start writing songs. I think there may be one or two lines that I really like and I just filled around what I could. Its also unfinished so I'd love just a little feedback on the direction that this could go. Thanks again for not totally flaming me into the ground

WhiteOut

What would you do if I laid out what is real?
The lies you hide behind
Transparent to me like a veil
And nothing you can do or ever even say
Will change the way I feel, I feel today


My eyes are closed but there’s nothing to see
Stumbling through life blind
She’s taken everything from me
If I could I would wipe these pages clean
Of who you are
And who you’d like to be
I held you in my heart like a childhood fantasy
And I can tell that you are just as real
#2
Quote by SEBattle2
So a precursor to this, I am entirely new to this and have never attempted anything like this before, so yes I know its probably cliche and dumb but I seriously want to start writing songs. I think there may be one or two lines that I really like and I just filled around what I could. Its also unfinished so I'd love just a little feedback on the direction that this could go. Thanks again for not totally flaming me into the ground

WhiteOut

What would you do if I laid out what is real?
The lies you hide behind
Transparent to me like a veil
And nothing you can do or ever even say
Will change the way I feel, I feel today

I liked this a lot, but the last two lines seem a little forced to me. Nice symbolism and rhyme scheme

My eyes are closed but there’s nothing to see
Stumbling through life blind
She’s taken everything from me
If I could I would wipe these pages clean
Of who you are
And who you’d like to be
I held you in my heart like a childhood fantasy
And I can tell that you are just as real

This verse is so good, I like the variance in the size of the lines, it keeps the reader focused



Overall it's really good, you should expand it to see if you can finish it. Don't force it though, just try and extrapolate on what you have.
Fan of the Ottawa Senators

Quote by apak
My G string keeps slipping when i bend it.
Any suggestions?
#3
Thanks for the input, I felt that those two lines were off, I'll definitely take a look at them and see what I can do
#4
This sounds good, I like the wording. The only thing I would so is take off the very last line.

Is it gonna be acoustic or electric?
#5
I play mostly acoustic so it would be an acoustic piece. I like the last line because it kind of said that its as real as a childhood fantasy. If you have any suggestions for improving it I'd like to hear it.