#1
graying hair pushed underneath a heavy pew,
as if it worked on a tight string
with the setting sun.
Outside, carrying birch tree bayonets
Heavy. Pointed at one anothers feet,
Mud lines thick and
Heavy. Weighing down our faces.
Father’s uniform patches sewn
ugly in our Sunday school vests.
Hay strangles our hair,
Innocence, and lungs out of breath.
With ketchup stains and grease wounds,
We held our t-shirts on shower rods
We held flags and Victorian houses in our heads
We fell against each other
Heavy in sweat against the pricks of the August grass,
Sure,
That our parents would be proud of us yet.
#2
There is something about this that irked me the whole way through. I like the idea, but the whole way through I just kept thinking "its missing something; its missing a spark."

No idea what though. Oh, and i hated the repetition of we held... but thats just me.

No idea why I commented, just thought I'd let you know.


EDIT: I think I know what it is. This was neither your 'relaxed' tone or the 'dylan in your face tone'... and that half-way tone made it uncomfortable.

EDIT2: Just a read and "I liked" or "I didn't" on Sistine Charisma would be fantastical.
#3
A lot of the imagery in this piece is excellent, you can really set a scene. Some of the phrasing was really nice as well, 'birch tree bayonets' being my favorite. At the same time, I don't really see the need for the dramatic undercurrent. The repetition of heavy, and the last line says to me that you're implying that the children's play battle is an epic chore and perhaps a precursor of what is to come? But in reality, I don't see it that way. You touch on innocence, which is the overwhelming theme of the piece for me. Children's play, whether battleground or ballerina, isn't 'heavy'. Not to the kids. Ever. I kind of get what you mean, but I just think it creates an unnecessary tension in a piece that should be Sunday lemonade. Great writing though. c4c always appreciated.
#5
I believe adding a slight sense of heaviness would lend this a more real edge, more associated with reality and more comparative to warfare on a larger scale. What I think, though, is you've gone a little too far with adding a heavy feeling. I see what you are trying to say too clearly in this, particularly because of the last line.

I reckon this could need a length extension as well. I feel like I want more description of the forests these innocent kids are playing in. I believe thats what it lacks, personally.
#6
I liked it more as I read it more.

It's like the patterns of thinking in the head of the character are not quite right when a stranger tries to get them, but as you read it more and get used to the patterns of thought it just starts to make sense.
Like getting to know someone and slowly understanding how they think and who they really are.
This is not a pipe