#1
to be read out loud.

he's soft and silent when the other kids
are busy being violent.
he doesn't have an accent.
sits in the mini chair playing cars,
got this blue one he loves more than all the others.
got his pair of scissors; doesn't know how to use them
but he'll carry them round with him for comfort. two year old
hoodlum with a blunt weapon.
he likes to smile but doesn't
often.
it's his first day.
first day of playing with the other children.
doesn't like the fights so he's learnt to leave them.
he's trying to learn english
from manc kids who can't speak it
but he's trying,
crying and pointing, holds on with every muscle in his body
to my hand, my leg, my stomach.
me.
cries and points. cries and points.
silent, he's a watcher.
stares at the other children but never interferes.
soft and silent, holding his scissors and his paper.
can't use them so prefers
to just rip up the paper.
making masterpieces out of crayons
to give to his mama.
mama.
now he points and stares, crying.
mama. mama. he holds on tighter.
runs outside but he can't find her.
mama. mama. can't find mama.
hold on tighter, boy. hold on tighter.
round here it's rougher than what you're used to.
he gotta learn, he gotta learn,
round here he aint gonna find her
you aint gonna find her.
round here it's rougher than what you're used to.
got to learn to drop the thankyous.
big fish in big sea got all the answers
and little little boy, we got your mama.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
Last edited by DigUpHerBones at Sep 10, 2008,
#3
I'msorry for having to ask this but, is this like a poem? If so it works, quiet well too. But if it's meant to be a song I can only see it being a rap, like something Kanye West would do actually. It's good as a poem though and not an idea i've seen in a long time. so the ideas original but some of the words are cliched, just my opinion, good luck with your writing.
#4
Absolutely loved this.

I first I thought the end might do better with one perspective, but no, after a second read everything fits perfectly. I refuse to critique this one.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
two year old
hoodlum with a blunt weapon.

all I'd say is that that lines a bit 'telling instead of showing' and that. Seemed just a tad lazy.

Anyway, I liked it, just thought I'd say that.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#7
I found the amount o ceasura used in this piece quite unsettling. Like someone said previously, you "told but didn't show". It felt too much like a novel that just dragged on. There were on a limited occasion when you approached true story telling and that was here: "He's a watcher. stares at the other children but never interferes. soft and silent, holding his scissors and his paper." i think if you had started out with this kind of tone and still managed to keep up the momentum, then we would've been talking about a completely different animal.

This piece isn't bad by no means but a lot of what you showed here felt dry and lacking substance, and this isn't the case with some your previous pieces.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 11, 2008,
#9
Some nice differing opinions on this one!
I wrote this really quickly having got back from said stressful children, so that'll explain the storytelling. Will edit at some point.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
I really liked the tone. It sort of had this rushed but not rushed but rushed but not rushed feel. Like a person leaving a building during a fire drill. I dunno, I'm crazy.

I, however, didn't much care for some of the content. The "blunt weapon" idea was so stale because of the way you told it. I wanted so badly for it to be awesome, because its a great idea... but the way you said it, you said it with the same enthusiasm that one reads the stock market reviews int eh newspaper. The thing the piece lacks is flare. The repetition and what not works well, but it seems monotone. There weren't really any ups downs or arounds. It was all just "blam blam blam blam." The tone was nice, but it needed some small variations to layer it into a more believable piece. As it stands, it feels a bit like a poetic rant... like when someone is talking about how much they hate their roommate and they always use the EXACT same tone... by the end of the rant, you're just sick of that tone; and anything that coems out in that tone any more is just dismissed as more ranting.

I few layers, a bit more careful construction to some of the images (you could make some of them more images and less "So I was at the mall last week" type things) and this could really take off into something quite worthy of being read out loud.

Just my 3.141592654723 cents.
#11
i really enjoyed this also. your header note speaks the truth; you do have to read this aloud to get the full effect.
i'm guessing that this is about a child's introduction to a pre-school? or some kind of day care? maybe even kindergarten.
i found myself relating to almost every line, for whatever sentimental reasons. flow was great; as was the rhyming. i noticed a hint of Bukowski at the beginning of each line; with the way you jump straight to the verb, without having to attribute the action to the character.
it was good Kat.

Kit-Kat. Yes.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#12
i thought the progression of the piece was really well handled.
the repetition towards the end almost became frustrating at times, but i don't think it ever became annoying. generally, the repetition throughout the piece was necessary, but reading it over a second time, i have a slight reservation that the piece "talks more than it says".
the ending was great, but sometimes it felt like the piece was a little longer than it needed to be/a lot of words that sometimes didn't add anything to its content, it merely re-inforced the "style" of writing.

only minor gripe though, i did enjoy the piece and can't suggest many changes i'd like to see. sorry i took so long and that this isn't all that in-depth. i'll be sure to crit your next one. thanks for the comment on mine.
#13
Cheers
I spent last week working at a community center, mainly in the playgroup, and this, surprisingly enough, is about a boy called Isa who was on his first day and wanted his mama and liked one car more than all the others and couldn't cut paper with scissors. With a slight bit of poetic license added.

He was the sweetest lil two year old ever
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#14
If it were a song it would be some kind of Bob-Dylany thing...I just imagined it that way.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#15
I agree with the poster above me, this has dylan-esque flow. It's good, I liked the use of repetition in some places. My problem was the content. You said it yourself. You don't have any storylines in your head. When you get a good one you'll get something done. Until then you're going to be good but nothing better. imo.


You really didn't need to tell me to read it out loud though.
#16
I think its a tad melodramatic. but I think there are alot of things that are artistically developed well in this piece, and I think that with respects to the speaker we should make it slightly more insensitive or desensitized as a character in a story, itself. perhaps fewer openly bleeding phrases like:

"cries and points. cries and points.
silent, he's a watcher.
stares at the other children but never interferes."

those lines are too narrative, 2D narrative. they feel like fillers.
but that said there were a few lines and phrases that impressed me, such as:

"he's trying to learn english
from manic kids who can't speak it
but he's trying,
crying and pointing, holds on with every muscle in his body
to my hand, my leg, my stomach."

over all I think the idea was respectable but I would rethink that sort of obvious human action description in a 2D sense dripping in despair or whatever emotion in a melodramatic way. but in the end I felt like I had read something new, and that says a lot. so bravo, just spread it out over a few different emotional states of mind while editing and it should be the objective piece we're looking for.
#17
Cheers. I still might resurrect this, but I doubt it.

And no, Manc wasn't a mistake .
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!