#1
Just a quick poem that means a lot to me personally, maybe to others it will have the same affect.
Even though this took a long time to write, I still think it could be improved, any ideas will be greatly appreciated.


The Fugly Turbo Slut and the Guilty Writer

Placing your head
upon a plate,
your birthday present face
still beautiful
in the darkness.
It makes me sick;

revenge tastes something like vomit



Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 10, 2008,
#2
So tell me... some girl trouble lately?

The only thing that I would change is taking out that, seems to me, fairly unnecessary 'so' before sick.

I think if you get rid the 'so' then the flow will stay the same up until the final line and give it a tad more punch.

/opinion

I liked it anyway, meh, don't have much to say. lol
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#4
it's certainly different
i like it, writing releaves so much stress don't you agree? and about the so? it depends on how you read it as to wether you want it to work or not, but i suppose i agree, might be better without it. Don't I just sit on the fence!

(edit)
i forgot to mention you could expand on this perhaps, but it may make it a bit more than it was supposed to be... just a thought lol
#5
This is short enough that there's nothing that could be changed without altering the entire piece. That said, I think it could use more kick. It's got a little, but didn't blow my mind with anything really clever or any great imagery. I've tried this before too, with the same result. What it really could use is a little more length to it. As part of a larger piece this would be good, but alone it's never going to be more than just alright.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
I thought about expanding it and I had other material for it but I decided against it. This is my first serious short piece and it was a little experiment.

I think I will change the "so". Thanks folks.
#7
I agree with the comment before, when pieces are so short they have to be absolutely jam packed to kick you. This almost does but unfortunately because of it's length you can't change some of it without changing it all. So for a little poem with a big sentiment, I like it a lot. It's a great idea and a great execution and the length works with the idea.
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#8
I think this, being short as it is, doesn't have a big impact even though the last line is over-the-top !

My opinion is that, when you make something else that shares the same meaning with this piece, insert this as an intro or an outro. I usually like when stuff like that happens ^^

Still, I think this comes full with potencial but it's not really something that crashes on our face.

Hope I made myself clear.
#10
This is realy great i loved the image i got with this. its disturbingly lovely. or maybe im taking it too literal? perhaps theres some double meaning than the imagery here that i just cant comprehend? i dont know. but i love it nonetheless. all your work just absolutely amazes me.

mind critting my poem?
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#11
Meh.

I'll go ahead and be the odd man out. I didn't really like this at all, the way it is.

The idea itself is fantastic; in fact, I almost love this piece just for that. That's the type of grit I'm talking about when I continually tell you that I think you need more reality. So there,

In execution though; this read like an encyclopedia. It was only 7 lines, and it felt like an essay to me. To me, it should read like gatling gun. It should be rapid fire, in my face, and pungent. This felt to relaxed for the intensity of the idea it carried. And maybe that is what you were going for, the discontinuity between voice and idea. That type of thing can be great, but I think it needs a longer piece for that to work, because it relies so much on the narrator being tangible and relatable; and in something this short, we don't even get to know the narrator. It needs a flare in the voice... it needs a transformation from Dr. Jekyll into Mr. Hyde narration. As it stands, the idea is written passively... we're supposed to infer it... and the voice is to passive to make it feel aggressive... so in the end; it leaves the reader feeling like the piece was a bit hollow; because neither hte imagery nor the voice in it really carried any sort of tone that could tilt us to believing this was either a) sarcastic/metaphorical or b) literal. And being in between those two leaves the piece hanging on a knife edge of either no meaning or a very much deeper meaning.

I don't know, I'm rambling. I just wanted to badly to have this piece kick me in the balls and tell me to bow down because it is a bad ass idea executed with all the flare of Prince in a rainbow, pvc suit. But instead it hid in the corner and drank by itself.

If you want me to ramble some more, PM me and I can muster some more pointed rambling. If not, feel free to disregard me as everyone else seems to have taken something from this.

All that said though, I still love the idea.
#12
i thought you did a really good job at creating a self-contained story of sorts in such a short space.
"still beautiful in the darkness" sounded didn't seem to add much to be honest. but other than that.
i really enjoyed it.
#13
Thanks Zach, I understand what you are saying, it doesn't hit you in the face, like you mentioned. I noticed that myself but I didn't feel like I wanted to change it. I did, on the other hand, want to extend it, although this is my first attempt at short poetry and I still a learner in this regard. I believe that adding another set of ideas could really revive it and add more impact and forcefullness to it; get it off that ledge you talked about.

Thanks for all comments.
#14
I think there's a certain mood you need to be in for this to have the impact you were aiming for. And that's the downfall of short pieces. They lack the premise that puts you in that mood and while this may be something that means a great deal to you, you've left the emotions in you and basically bullet pointed that which strikes you the hardest. It's hard to read between the lines when there are only so few.
I'd love to see a longer more detailed version, but then again, perhaps you're not at that place anymore and getting those feelings again may be harder than it seems.
For what it is, you've done the job, I just fear it is too void of substance to not be forgettable.
This is not a pipe
#15
i think carmels crit is appropriate for you piece but at the same time if anyone gets your piece, im sure some imagined it well enough that it would be easy to remember. especially with certain lines like the head with a birthday present face. maybe in your next short piece to connect better with more people (if you care about that) you could use some more descriptive lines that add different settings or items instead of using something like "still beautiful" right after "birthday present face". its short so you expect people to read further into it and they should understand that since you wrote it after the head on a plate, its still meant to be a beautiful thing. also, maybe i didnt get something, but maybe if you added a little more to the setting of "the darkness" it would help add more substance? im not normally good at reading well into others works and critting but i figured i should try if i want people to try on mine. i hope you find something in this.
Last edited by theWallofYAWN at Sep 12, 2008,
#16
i don't know where i stand on this.
i thought the contrast between beauty, darkness and sickness produced a certain level of friction which seemed to generate a certain level of aggression. however, writing such short poetry is so difficult. it's so hard to add the needed imagery in such a short space of time.
i think i like this piece, maybe if i was in a different mood then i'd find a connection that i didn't find right now (i'm still hungover which doesn't help). i'm not sure whether you should go changing what you've already written though. you say that it means a lot to you as it stands and i think that that's good enough to keep it as it is.
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#17
I want to find something deeper in this.
but I cant, so i was hoping maybe it would be an enjoyable read.
but this doesnt feel all that fresh and exciting
and the descriptive words just dont quite do it for me.

in other words.
i just dont believe that you believe what your saying.

sorry im a dick
Last edited by bluesybilly at Sep 13, 2008,