#1
This isn't based on my home town just for the record, I thought I'd try to write about zimbabwe during the elections, but obviously beacuse i've never been there i have no experience first hand. I tried to actually avoid the politics and concentrate on what I thought would have been the major concern, the murders, violence etc. I know it's not the best of songs and even though it's been a few months since the elections I just want to raise awareness of this fact, thanks for looking

My Home Town - Versus April (We < 99)

There's so much in my life I want to explore,
So much in my life i'd like to discover,
rather than be stuck in this post box town,
home of no independence town,
I'd rather be somewhere else.

Take a look at this broken world,
A shattered heart, a crying girl,
Through all the killing and violence,
Have we all lost our innocence,

My home town,
It's the capital of violence,
My home town
Has lost it's innocence,
My home town,
Is something out of hell,
My home town,
The world at war compares nothing to this...

They're lurking in the shadows,
Hiding knives and arrows,
Sent to pierce the armour,
That surrounds my only hope,
My home town is desolate,
It's reeking of destruction from it's gut,
And now I'm singing a song to tell all of you,
Please stay away from this place,

My home town,
Is warped by signs of sirens,
My home town
Has got so many problems,
My home town,
Is something out of fiction,
My home town,
The world at war compares nothing to this...

A broken picture on the wall,
A hero who did fall,
A house that's made of darkness,
A strange and eiree silence,
A dark alley calling me,
An alley beckons me,
To my final resting place,
To the place they'll call my grave

Take a look at this broken girl,
A shattered heart, a crying world,
Through all the killing and violence,
Have we all lost our innocence,

My home town,
Is full of violence,
Sounds drowned out by the sirens
My home town,
Has no innocence,
Has got too many problems,
My home town,
Is something out of fiction,
Is somehting out of hell
My home town
The world at war compares nothing to this...
#2
there are a lot of cliche phrases.
"broken home"
"shattered Heart"
"lost innocence"

love the concept but it's too literal.
you're telling. . .not showing.
#3
thanks a lot for the advice, i do tend to fall back on cliches when i read my work outloud before i write so i think im gonna take it away and rewrite some of it then post the revised version in a few days because i think the idea is too good to let go