#1
I just found a song by a local band, and it hit me a certain way, and I took out my notebook and started writing writing writing without thinking... and here's what I came up with. I don't know what exactly I'll do with it, but I'm feeling different right now, and I figure I'll share it with all of you.

I saw the end before the beginning
A sad end without any meaning
What everything used to be and could've been
Is now slowly disappearing and will never happen
Never happen, never happen
Disintegrating as the days go by
The tears streaming down from the crest of our eyes
Nothing is what it seems
It'll never be just you and me
We will never get out anything
I feel the winter creeping in
Stealing the warmth and light
Along with that, it's taking my friends and energy
Nothing will ever happen
Ever happen, ever happen
And I can't sleep at night
And I don't know exactly why
Just tired all day, all night
But no relief from the constant sigh
I'm confined by the chains of seclusion
My heads still filled with everything
But there's no way to put everything in words
What you saw today and everyday before
You will never see again
Because that person is gone, never to be seen
to be seen, to be seen ever again
You never said goodbye
Nobody even acknowledged
Will you take the time to think about what could've been
Will you stop to remember?
Or will you just be nearsighted with love,
will never see the pain like I did.


Like I said, it's really raw, I literally just wrote it about five minutes ago.
#2
Like most pieces that are self described "raw" and well, just written in 5 minutes as you put it, I think the begining is far better than the end. In honesty, the begining is really good actually:

I saw the end before the beginning
A sad end without any meaning
What everything used to be and could've been
Is now slowly disappearing and will never happen
Never happen, never happen

--I'D FIND A WAY TO REMOVE EITHER THE FIRST "END" OR THE SECOND IN LINES 1/2 JUST CAUSE IT'S NOT NEEDED AS A REPEAT. AND I DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU HOW TO WRITE, BUT MAN, I JUST THINK THAT 4TH LINE WAS SOUND BANGING AS JUST "IS NOW UST SLOWLY DISAPPEARING" AND LEAVE OUT THE WHOLE "NEVER HAPPEN" IDEA. IT'S RATHER WEAK I THINK, JUST BECAUSE IT'S BEEN DONE SO MANY TIMES.

I feel the winter creeping in
Stealing the warmth and light
Along with that, it's taking my friends and energy
Nothing will ever happen
Ever happen, ever happen

--I'M DIGGING THIS PART TOO ACTUALLY. I LOVED THE THIRD LINE IDEA, ALL TOO OFTEN OUT FRIENDS DO LEAVE WITH THE SUMMER ENDING, USUALLY OFF TO SCHOOL AGAIN. NICE WORK.

Pretty much past that part, everything just kinda went in one ear and out the other. Not saying it was bad, just didn't leave a lasting impact to me.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#3
Thanks for the crit and I'm glad you liked those parts.

I'm definitely going to work on it some more. I did really just write it really quick, so I'll cut it down, and redo some parts.