#1
c4c


I woke up
Took a look around
Watched the waves, sweep the ground
Unfamiliar faces everywhere

I went down to the beach
Just to see, what I could see
Saw the lighthouse, and than you
I smiled your way but than shyed away

Oh the sunset, how it shines
Through my ever thinking mind
Mostly about you and your smile
And your walk, and your eyes oh how they hypnotize

Walkin’ back
There you were
With that beautiful smile again
I got lost in your eyes

Speechless, but so many words to say
Couldn’t even mumble out my own damn name
But I, didn’t have to
You kissed me the moment I saw you, yeah it happened like that

So we spent, the night together
Never wanting to let go of you
Just watchin’ the waves, from the pier
That’s the night I fell in love, oh dear

Even when, we’re apart
I’ll always have that piece of you
No matter the time, or the weather
Im always thinking of the night we spent together
"You've got to dance like nobody else is watching.
Dream like you will live forever.
Live like you're going to die tomorrow,
and love like it is never gonna hurt."
-- James Dean (1931-1955)

Quote by JakeTheDuck
This man has the right idea.


^
oh yeahhh
#2
first off lemme tell you this is very cliche. everything about it is cliche. your choice of words, your idea, bassically everything. no offense.

to me it seems like you put no feeling in this. it seems to me like your telling a story with First Person Perspective, not like you have actually experienced this scenario. put your heart into it, tell it like you actualy mean it. imagine yourself actualy in this scene, and describe the things you would see that fit with the romantic idea, describe the things you would feel (not like my tummy had butterflys or my love for her was like blah blah blah). make the reader know that this was a moment that has never been lived before by anyone. make them see that this moment is a once in a lifetime chance and no matter how many times its emulated, it wold never be exactly the same.

this does show some promise. some.

id work on your vocabulary and basically broadening your horizons. read some of angrygoldfish, zanascross, #1synth, and seventh_angel's stuff. they have amazing stuff. learn from them. IMHO they are they best here at UG (theres prolly a few more but im not gunna search for theirs names and recommend ALL of them to you)

Good Luck with averything and happy writing.
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
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