#1
This just kind of flowed out recently, and while still being a little rough around the edges, I think it has some potential. Any helpful comments will be duly returned.

I want to tie a piece of rope
around your white legs.
I don't want to admit it,
that you are the sun.
You've got the heavenly body,
but it's me you should spin around.
How do you try, to hold lightning down?
I'd keep you on display, asleep,
like Snow White's sweet apple trip,
underneath firm glass that can't
be broken, cause I know
I'll never be charming.
Clip every wing you have
so I don't have to watch you
fly out of my life, away from my
own times and other useless days
where nothing goes on-
anyway, it's just selfish me holding on
to something I never deserved.
Last edited by rush4life at Sep 11, 2008,
#2
Quote by rush4life
This just kind of flowed out recently, and while still being a little rough around the edges, I think it has some potential. Any helpful comments will be duly returned.


I want to tie a piece of rope
around your white leg,
and I'll become your pivot,
your sun that you spin around.
"i'll become you pivot" sounded a little odd to me. I think the last line would be better as "the sun that you spin around" just to substitute one of the pronouns, as you have quite a lot aready
I'll watch as you tumble down while
the use of "as" with "while" in the same sentence doesn't sound right. you could do without the "as" altogether.
you try to run away.
I'd trap you in eternal sleep
the phrase "eternal sleep" reads a little awkwardly for me. i think you should have a comma after sleep anyway to make it this and the next two lines read better
like Snow White's sweet apple trip comma here too
underneath firm glass that can't
break or be busted by me,
"break or be busted by me" is poor wording
or any other.
Clip every wing you have
so I don't have to watch you
fly out of my life, away from my
own times and other useless days
the only thing that bothers me about this bit is the proximity of "have" in the first line and the second line. maybe try rewording it to avoid using it twice.
where nothing goes on-
anyway, it's just selfish me holding on
to something I never deserved.
clear ending. it's not bad. the use of "on" twice at the end of the first two lines bothered me though


i think this piece does have potential as you say, but at the moment it feels a little underdeveloped and the wording makes it somewhat boring. i think the problem is you're not efficient enough with your words so there are lots of throwaway words and too many pronouns, which become tiresome to read. the ideas are there though/. hope this helps and wasn't too harsh. i'll be sure to read any revisions.

if you get a chance to look at the one in my sig, i'd appreciate it.
#3
Quote by rush4life
This just kind of flowed out recently, and while still being a little rough around the edges, I think it has some potential. Any helpful comments will be duly returned.


I want to tie a piece of rope
around your white leg,
This seems a bit oppositional. On one hand it uses simple termanology, but the other hand says, I feel like saying, 'what the hell are you referring to?!'
and I'll become your pivot,
I think this will sound better if you remove the "and".
your sun that you spin around.
A difficult image here that doesn't quite click with all gears.
I'll watch as you tumble down while
you try to run away.
This feels poor. Its very disconnected from the rest of what I've read so far.
I'd trap you in eternal sleep
Without the following awesome few lines that ties this together, I would not be overly impressed with this particular part of a sentence.
like Snow White's sweet apple trip
underneath firm glass that can't
break or be busted by me,
or any other.
This is something that will most likely grow on me. Its a great idea, but the wording and layout is contraversial, so I need time.
Clip every wing you have
so I don't have to watch you
fly out of my life, away from my
own times and other useless days
where nothing goes on-
anyway, it's just selfish me holding on
to something I never deserved.


Your ending is awesome; definitely worth keeping. There are a few corrections I would make but in all, I really enjoyed it and its odd combination of simplistic and complicated stylings.

One thing I will note, this needs to connect more with the reader, it just feels a little out there, with each sentence having no obvious connection with the preceding or following lines. I don't know how to quite explain myself right now, so I will hopefully return, if I remember.
I've been promising that for a lot people recently and I've ontinuously let them down!

Digitally Clean
#6
How do you try, to hold lightning down?
I'd keep you on display, asleep,
like Snow White's sweet apple trip,
underneath firm glass that can't
be broken, cause I know
I'll never be charming.


I think that bit was great. the idea was executed pretty well. however, the part before that still seemed a little trite. i think it's mainly the wording and overuse of pronouns.

not a lot wrong with the part after the bit i quoted, "away from my own times" sounded a little awkward to me though. other than that. not a bad ending, but I still think the middle bit was the best bit of the piece and could almost stand on its own, or maybe come at the end. hope to see more from you.