#1
C4C, as always


I cleaned the empty bottles
From the even emptier desk
These newly aroused feelings
I feel I must express

I think you made a wrong decision
Moved too fast, lacking precision
I feel you decided to move too fast
Sometimes it's best to come in last

I don't want you to suffer again
Maybe you should just start a new plan
It is ok to make mistakes
But three times in a row is pretty bad

Everyone knows that life is hard
But it doesn't stop many from becoming stars
I feel the rightest answer is a no
But that's just how the story goes

In a world full of unanswered questions
Can protons be split? Is there really a heaven?
Not a living soul knows
But I know what you should do
And that is say no
Postpone for a few
Reconsider your options, I am still here
I'm better than them, have nothing to fear
So come along with me
Leave them behind
A brighter future is what I have in mind
For me and you


Any comments, good or bad, suggestions or title ideas let me know. C4C
#3
Quote by Sanjezz
C4C, as always

First of all, you should not get reported for being untitled. That's fine as long as you just say 'untitled' which you did. If you name it 'This is untitled cuz I cant think of summin!!LOLOLOL' ...yeah, reported.

I cleaned the empty bottles
From the even emptier desk I like the idea but a little wordy. You could just go with 'empty' here and it would be solid enough
These newly aroused feelings
I feel I must express I don't really like the wording of this, but it's not terrible

I think you made a wrong decision
Moved too fast, lacking precision
I feel you decided to move too fast
Sometimes it's best to come in last hmm, don't like this stanza much. The first line is pretty literal, the rhyme in the second sounds forced, the third line is literal, and the fourth is forced. But other than that! Ha ha, a harsh critic am I, but I'd really work on the flow or junk this entirely

I don't want you to suffer again
Maybe you should just start a new plan
It is ok to make mistakes
But three times in a row is pretty bad I think the overall problem here is the same, this is written very much like an actual conversation. There isn't much artistry in these lines. You can get away with doing that if it really strikes the listener as personal, but I'm not sure this does

Everyone knows that life is hard
But it doesn't stop many from becoming stars
I feel the rightest answer is a no
But that's just how the story goes

In a world full of unanswered questions
Can protons be split? Is there really a heaven? these are by far the best two lines of the piece. You've added some imagery and still made a point
Not a living soul knows
But I know what you should do
And that is say no
Postpone for a few
Reconsider your options, I am still here
I'm better than them, have nothing to fear
So come along with me
Leave them behind
A brighter future is what I have in mind
For me and you


Any comments, good or bad, suggestions or title ideas let me know. C4C


My comment in the middle of the piece basically sums up my opinion on the whole. Keep writing!

C4C always appreciated, link to my newest is in my signature!