#1
C4C; I know I still owe others from my last piece. Should happen tomorrow night.


Sometimes I dream of chilling on the Sistine ceiling.
Sitting naked on a leaf, my only job being to
reach out toward God and
let my dick flop out on my leg.
I'd have a six-pack and a girlfriend without
a period or vocal-chords.

But,
if it were me on that leaf instead of Adam,
God wouldn't be reaching back to me with his index finger and
beckoning me to join his angelic host as the holy grail of all creation.
He'd be flipping me off and calling me another failed experiment,
a waste of life, breath, and external genitalia.
#2
Quote by ZanasCross
C4C; I know I still owe others from my last piece. Should happen tomorrow night.


Sometimes I dream of chilling on the Sistine ceiling.
Sitting naked on a leaf, my only job being to
reach out toward God and
let my dick flop out on my leg.
I'd have a six-pack and a girlfriend without
a period or vocal-chords.

Do you know what. This was awesome, i like the schizophrenic feel and how you subconciously challenge God's creation and humanity. This felt like one of your more thought-provoked opening i've read from you.

But,
if it were me on that leaf instead of Adam,
God wouldn't be reaching back to me with his index finger and
beckoning me to join his angelic host as the holy grail of all creation.
He'd be flipping me off and calling me another failed experiment,
a waste of life, breath, and external genitalia.

The incompleteness in the final stanza goes well with the theme. You see god as not so much as your father, in the literal sense.

BTW the forth line was fantastic!


Overall this was a brilliant effort. I feel that this ist he piece you've been trying to write for quite some time now and it's here where you finally flourished.

good mate.

PS: Can you comment on "Caribbean Dreamin'" please?
#3
i thought the idea was excellent. didn't know where you were going with it, and kept me interested in reading.

on first read, couldn't see anything wrong with it. really enjoyed the ending and the piece as a whole.
#4
I really have nothing to recommend changing, as I thought the whole thing was great. The first stanza was really enjoyable. Keep it up!
#5
tbh, i'd really like to redirect the attention from the piece itself, to the title for a moment.
no offense Zach, but 99.9% of the time; i really can't stand your titles, and i really don't know why i didn't bring it up until now. it always seems like you spend time writing the piece, and afterward, jot the first thing down that comes to mind that sounds like a superficially sarcastic title. i mean, i know from previous experience reading your work that i'm most likely going to like, or at least appreciate, what i'm about to read. but if i didn't know you or had never read anything you'd wrote beforehand, i'd probably never take the time to even click the link.
...so, that being said; i just feel like you could spend a little more time in giving them a name, because the name is just as important as the piece itself.

now, moving on.
i thought your line breaks were very successful in this; especially the "but" beginning the second stanza; that was good. i don't think that "chilling" was fully appropriate, mainly because of, well, here's an example:
Sometimes I dream of chilling on the Sistine ceiling.

and:
beckoning me to join his angelic host as the holy grail of all creation.

now, after reading these two lines separated; do you think you'd ever see them in the same piece? i don't think that'd be my first conclusion; could be just me though.
and that's about all i have to rant about. i really enjoyed the piece overall.
if you get a chance man, my newest is called "Boned." only if you get a chance though.
i'll edit in the link.

BOOYAHEDIT: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=955449
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 11, 2008,
#6
Thanks everyone.

As far as titles, Kent. I usually do just grasp in the air for titles after I'm done, and try to make them some form of obscure reference to something in the piece with a slightly arrogant or sarcastic spin. I dunno, I think weird titles sort of suit the style of writing I like to do, so I've stuck with it. I'll certainly consider it though. For this one though, I thought of the title first and wrote the piece behind it... so the title was definitely going to stick.

As to the two separated lines... I realized that before I wrote the second one. I liked the mixed atmosphere. Again though, suggestions are dually noted and I don't take them lightly. I've really been experimenting lately since I haven't had a whole lot of inspiration.

Thanks to everyone else, glad you all enjoyed it.

I'll be getting back soon. Hopefully tonight.
#7
this is wordy. too wordy to describe the simple idea that you're presenting. Just knock off things that are standard conventions of space taking. The first stanza could easily read more snappy and better if you made the "sometimes I dream" the title and completely got rid of the sentiment of the "of chilling". you don't need to explain yourself. you're still telling and not showing in this piece, it bogs down the reading and takes me out of the poem.

the imagery and shit is good here but when you revise, even in general, harp on the extraneous and see what happens.
#8
The long lines were far too long, the short lines were perfect.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
This was good.

As for anything constructive, everyone already hit the big points. I'll just reinforce the bit about the second stanza being too wordy, and also chilling. I enjoyed the use of it, but if you're going for mixed tone go all the way and make it chillin'.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#10
This piece is sexy. Definitely one of my favorites I've read from you. I really liked the second stanza, especially the "flipping me off" line. However, I think the last line could use some work. There's jsut something about the phrase "external genitalia" that doesn't sit right with me. It's just too scientific sounding fot this piece. Anyways, I know I didn't have much to offer, but not much needs to be changed. Great job.

If you want, take a look at my piece?
Soundwave Erosions
#11
Ha, this is just a perfect depiction of you and your style. If I need inspiration to write with more force, aptitude and attitude, then this would something to look at in keen regard.

I fail to notice the sexiness in this, I think its so dirty that I can't help but feel turned off, which is not a bad thing at all. Dumbing down my sexual libido would certainly be an advantageous thing, every now and then.

I personally believe the wordy way it is portrayed is very effective in keeping a very sleazy rythym and it keeps your reading in toe. It also lends this a more simple edge.

One thing I notice about your pieces is they're a little too obvious and in-your-face. I never derive more than one theme or idea from them. I feel like there is no hidden agenda behind the words that I have to collect and piece together in my own ways. I love doing that. Its rare that I return to your work and go, "hey, theres something I never noticed before, cool!"

Digitally Clean
#12
I agree with some of the people that said that this was a bit clumsy. Not because it wasn't good, but because it could be written a bit shorter, and because of the theme that was a bit of a parody and clever, I thought the writing itself should have supported it more.

With that, I saw the ending from a mile away, but I really do think it's only because I know you like I do, so I can't fault you for that.

I do have a bit more to say about this, but I would like either to PM it to you or talk over in MSN. Tell me which you prefer.
This is not a pipe
#14
you see.
I know you comment on about all of my pieces.
and i swear to god i read about every one of yours.
I just can never think of anything constructive to say.
your ideas are unique and original,
and you apply them in a unique and original way.
thats what poetry is and should be about.
not how well it flows or shit like that.
but presenting new ideas in a new, unique, and original way,
and i always feel that you do those things beautifully.
and that my friend is why i never say anything on your pieces.
in case you were ever wondering.
Last edited by bluesybilly at Sep 13, 2008,
#15
Wow this was not what I was expecting lol. But, I really liked it. I kinda wish the lines were shorter... Makes it more singable to me... But as far as content, excellent. Please critique/comment on my song in my sig.
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