#1
Basically I picture this in a style that I've deemed, "rainy day hip-hop." Like with a really chill, melodic, slightly dark beat. A song to vibe with on, you guessed it, a rainy day. Think Sage Francis 'Hell of a Year' style. ALWAYS C4C!

***

You asked me where I’d go
In a few years
But I didn’t know
So I’d just smile,
And shift gears
Pass beers, and pretend that I was all ears
So when the devil came calling,
Looking for volunteers
I was halfway to L.A.
Cause I could drive
But I couldn’t steer

Now we’re six years from that
And I look back

Imagine the wisdom you would’ve shared
How to clean up, get smart, and always be prepared
Maybe that’s why I never really cared
Why I’m quick to take a dare
Or return another’s stare

But it could have been me in that living room chair

Lord of the manor with my name on the mailbox
Now all we have are these sixty-minute jail talks
I see the way your face pales every time the cell locks

Maybe I had to be inside
So I could see what’s inside
Stare at the mirror ‘til it was something I could recognize

I know you’re nervous when you hear that I’ll walk soon
But when I sing for my supper this time I’ll sing a new tune

Life is strife, and it’s a little unjust
But I see what I can do, and I see what I must
And when the dust finally settles on this builder’s tale
I’ll be sittin’ atop a steel beam holding a lunch pail

Where I can let my legs dangle
At precisely the angle
To see the concrete jungle where I once was entangled

The asphalt was quicksand
And I was up to my hands
The more I would struggle
The more life would demand

The sunlight was stifled, but not by the trees
Heaven was lost to skyscraper canopies
A man feels alone when he can’t see the stars
Now I pass all the days counting Block D bars,
Notches on the wall, and the steps of the guards

I count the days and
I count the days and
I think about how much the world has changed

…At least I hope it has

For the local dads
And their wayward sons
There are dark days behind
But brighter ones to come

Together we can clear away this haze
But this resurrection may take more than three days
Even Rome couldn’t be completed overnight
And to construct a man takes a lot more might
I can’t explain why we weren’t built for flight,
Why angels get wings and men get in fights

Well, I guess our time’s over
Have a safe trip home
Tell mom that I owe her
…and if you pass his grave,
be sure to drive slower

The hour is darkest before the dawn breaks
But there’s already sunlight touching the shades
Soon I’ll stand out and let it darken my face
For my sentence was time, and the reward is just space

My sentence was time, and the reward is just space
#2
Quote by ATM*
Basically I picture this in a style that I've deemed, "rainy day hip-hop." Like with a really chill, melodic, slightly dark beat. A song to vibe with on, you guessed it, a rainy day. Think Sage Francis 'Hell of a Year' style. ALWAYS C4C!

***

You asked me where I’d go
In a few years
But I didn’t know
So I’d just smile,
And shift gears I liked this first little bit, the rhyming did not sound forced and it put a pretty clear picture of a conversation between the two people in my head.
Pass beers, and pretend that I was all ears This line seemed a bit forced
So when the devil came calling,
Looking for volunteers Great two lines
I was halfway to L.A.
Cause I could drive
But I couldn’t steer The last three in this stanza I really didn't like. They seemed weak compared to the rest of the piece

Now we’re six years from that
And I look back Great bit here, it builds momentum for the next stanza

Imagine the wisdom you would’ve shared
How to clean up, get smart, and always be prepared
Maybe that’s why I never really cared
Why I’m quick to take a dare
Or return another’s stare The first three lines were great, the words just flowed off each other, but the last two lines were really weak.

But it could have been me in that living room chair Didn't really understand this line, but it still works in the piece

Lord of the manor with my name on the mailbox
Now all we have are these sixty-minute jail talks
I see the way your face pales every time the cell locks I liked the lord of the manor line

Maybe I had to be inside
So I could see what’s inside
Stare at the mirror ‘til it was something I could recognize Didn't really like this line, rhyming inside with inside didn't seem like a great decision to me

I know you’re nervous when you hear that I’ll walk soon
But when I sing for my supper this time I’ll sing a new tune

Life is strife, and it’s a little unjust
But I see what I can do, and I see what I must
And when the dust finally settles on this builder’s tale
I’ll be sittin’ atop a steel beam holding a lunch pail

Where I can let my legs dangle
At precisely the angle
To see the concrete jungle where I once was entangled These two stanza's I assume you were talking of a construction worker on the top of a building looking down, I thought it was a bit too much because a stanza or two back you were talking about being in jail, maybe you could add a line or a stanza about getting out of jail?? I don't know, just a suggestion

The asphalt was quicksand
And I was up to my hands
The more I would struggle
The more life would demand

The sunlight was stifled, but not by the trees
Heaven was lost to skyscraper canopies
A man feels alone when he can’t see the stars
Now I pass all the days counting Block D bars,
Notches on the wall, and the steps of the guards

I count the days and
I count the days and
I think about how much the world has changed

…At least I hope it has

For the local dads
And their wayward sons
There are dark days behind
But brighter ones to come

Together we can clear away this haze
But this resurrection may take more than three days
Even Rome couldn’t be completed overnight
And to construct a man takes a lot more might
I can’t explain why we weren’t built for flight,
Why angels get wings and men get in fights

Well, I guess our time’s over
Have a safe trip home
Tell mom that I owe her
…and if you pass his grave,
be sure to drive slower

The hour is darkest before the dawn breaks
But there’s already sunlight touching the shades
Soon I’ll stand out and let it darken my face
For my sentence was time, and the reward is just space

My sentence was time, and the reward is just space Loved this line here


thanks for the crit
#3
Quote by ATM*
Basically I picture this in a style that I've deemed, "rainy day hip-hop." Like with a really chill, melodic, slightly dark beat. A song to vibe with on, you guessed it, a rainy day. Think Sage Francis 'Hell of a Year' style. ALWAYS C4C!

***

You asked me where I’d go
In a few years
But I didn’t know
So I’d just smile,
And shift gears
Pass beers, and pretend that I was all ears
So when the devil came calling,
Looking for volunteers
I was halfway to L.A.
Cause I could drive
But I couldn’t steer

Now we’re six years from that
And I look back

Imagine the wisdom you would’ve shared
How to clean up, get smart, and always be prepared
Maybe that’s why I never really cared
Why I’m quick to take a dare
Or return another’s stare

But it could have been me in that living room chair

Lord of the manor with my name on the mailbox
Now all we have are these sixty-minute jail talks
I see the way your face pales every time the cell locks Dude, I love this line. It paints an amazing portrait in my head.

Maybe I had to be inside
So I could see what’s inside
Stare at the mirror ‘til it was something I could recognize

I know you’re nervous when you hear that I’ll walk soon
But when I sing for my supper this time I’ll sing a new tune

Life is strife, and it’s a little unjust
But I see what I can do, and I see what I must
And when the dust finally settles on this builder’s tale
I’ll be sittin’ atop a steel beam holding a lunch pail

Where I can let my legs dangle
At precisely the angle
To see the concrete jungle where I once was entangled

The asphalt was quicksand
And I was up to my hands
The more I would struggle
The more life would demand

The sunlight was stifled, but not by the trees
Heaven was lost to skyscraper canopies
A man feels alone when he can’t see the stars
Now I pass all the days counting Block D bars,
Notches on the wall, and the steps of the guards

I count the days and
I count the days and
I think about how much the world has changed

…At least I hope it has

For the local dads
And their wayward sons
There are dark days behind
But brighter ones to come

Together we can clear away this haze
But this resurrection may take more than three days
Even Rome couldn’t be completed overnight
And to construct a man takes a lot more might
I can’t explain why we weren’t built for flight,
Why angels get wings and men get in fights

Well, I guess our time’s over
Have a safe trip home
Tell mom that I owe her
…and if you pass his grave,
be sure to drive slower

The hour is darkest before the dawn breaks
But there’s already sunlight touching the shades
Soon I’ll stand out and let it darken my face
For my sentence was time, and the reward is just space

My sentence was time, and the reward is just space



Dude, I must say this is a very entertaining piece.
Eyes
Quote by woodenbandman
My dear man, I must petition you for photographic evidence, or the described events cannot be verified, and will be written off as fallacy.
#4
damn.

ide crit it except i dont see a single thing wrong with it.

excellent writting.
im impressed.
do you make beats or anything or do you just write hip hop songs?

EDIT: okay maybe the title.

unless it has a deep meaning for you, i would change it.

i just cant stand the "NOUN and NOUN" titles. nothing personal.
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
Last edited by br&nizzle at Sep 11, 2008,
#5
I really enjoyed reading this piece. Lots of imagery, which I love, and the piece flowed incredibly. My favorite stanza was the one with the "Why angels get wings and men get in fights" line. I also thought the "asphalt was quick sand" and "Heaven was lost to skyscraper canopies" lines were pretty clever. The only thing that bothed my was the phrase "Pass beers" line. I think you need something more related to gang culture here like "Sling rocks" or evn chnage the entire line to something like "Slow ride, drive-by these punk ass queers". Anyways, ncie job, man.

Crit mine please
Soundwave Erosions
#6
Quote by ATM*

You asked me where I’d go
In a few years
But I didn’t know
So I’d just smile,
And shift gears
Pass beers, and pretend that I was all ears
So when the devil came calling,
Looking for volunteers
I was halfway to L.A.
Cause I could drive
But I couldn’t steer

I really like this stanza. Everything flows well and leads right to the next line perfectly. That being said the weakest parts of this stanza are "looking for volunteers" and "but I couldn't steer". While they do flow I'm just not a fan of it.

Now we’re six years from that
And I look back

Imagine the wisdom you would’ve shared
How to clean up, get smart, and always be prepared
Maybe that’s why I never really cared
Why I’m quick to take a dare
Or return another’s stare

Great flow, I really like the rhyming of each line without blowing the song.

But it could have been me in that living room chair

Lord of the manor with my name on the mailbox
Now all we have are these sixty-minute jail talks
I see the way your face pales every time the cell locksI kinda stumbled over it in my head at first but when I stopped and looked at it again, I realized how amazing it is.

Maybe I had to be inside
So I could see what’s inside
Stare at the mirror ‘til it was something I could recognize
I didnt really like they rhyming of 'inside' with 'inside'.

I know you’re nervous when you hear that I’ll walk soon
But when I sing for my supper this time I’ll sing a new tuneGreat

Life is strife, and it’s a little unjust
But I see what I can do, and I see what I must
And when the dust finally settles on this builder’s tale
I’ll be sittin’ atop a steel beam holding a lunch pailStart was amazing, the last 2 line, were ok, but they were a little bit of a letdown considering the greatness of the first two.

Where I can let my legs dangle
At precisely the angle
To see the concrete jungle where I once was entangled

The asphalt was quicksand
And I was up to my hands
The more I would struggle
The more life would demandPerfect, I can't say anything else

The sunlight was stifled, but not by the trees
Heaven was lost to skyscraper canopies
A man feels alone when he can’t see the stars
Now I pass all the days counting Block D bars,
Notches on the wall, and the steps of the guards I love the imagery in this stanza

I count the days and
I count the days and
I think about how much the world has changed

…At least I hope it has

For the local dads
And their wayward sons
There are dark days behind
But brighter ones to come

Together we can clear away this haze
But this resurrection may take more than three days
Even Rome couldn’t be completed overnight
And to construct a man takes a lot more might
I can’t explain why we weren’t built for flight,
Why angels get wings and men get in fights

Well, I guess our time’s over
Have a safe trip home
Tell mom that I owe her
…and if you pass his grave,
be sure to drive slower
I love the begining (until '...and') it started out really strong, and just lost me.

The hour is darkest before the dawn breaks
But there’s already sunlight touching the shades
Soon I’ll stand out and let it darken my face
For my sentence was time, and the reward is just space

My sentence was time, and the reward is just space


Thanks for the crit I'm working on what you said ,
I'm going to be honest before this I had never heard of Sage Francis, and was trippin out on the style, until I went on youtube and found the song.
After I heard the song, I realized this song is PERFECT for it. Vivid imagery, this is probably the best thing I've ever read on this site. Great job,

BTW The title is awesome
#7
I really liked it. It has good flow, great imagery, and coveys what you are trying to say quite well. In a couple places the lines we a bit cliche - Rome wasn't built overnight, darkest before the dawn, etc - but they really detracted very little from the whole. Overall, I really couldn't tell you anything significant to make it better! Very good.
#8
I have to say, this is great stuff. Great storytelling, imagery, unforced - I like it alot.

Where I can let my legs dangle
At precisely the angle
To see the asphalt jungle where I once was entangled

The street was quicksand
And I was up to my hands
The more I would struggle
The more life would demand

Maybe swap concrete with asphalt and asphalt with street, has a bit better tempo in my head.....
#9
br&nizzle, no I haven't much experience in making beats. I make some instrumental stuff on my computer, but its nothing related to hip hop. Even to say I write hip hop is a bit inaccurate, while I definitely have that rhythmic influence, my songs tend to be in different genres, and this came out hip hop. Glad that you (and everyone else so far) like it!

Mixed reviews on the title, and that was my own feeling. I think it has to provide some kind of hint as to the content or it will be a little difficult for the reader to catch up, but I'm not married to this one. Any suggestions or additional crits appreciated.
Last edited by ATM* at Sep 16, 2008,
#10
Damn you did a great job. I really like the song. As Darksucke said, "There were some lines that were cliche." Other than that, it seems like a great example of how song should be written.
Crit my song Ignorance of the Safe
Ignorance of the Safe
#11
ok im trying to figure out what this song is about but unlike the guy who said something about gang culture thats not what i see at all, i see a guy who was drinking and driving and wrecked into someones house, im assuming this is where the living room chair comes in, and hes talkin to his dad while hes sitting in prison for killing the guy and talking about what hes wanting to do when he gets out and just his overall philosophy of life. at least thats what i got out of it and its deep as hell that way too


btw i love the title nice little reference to of mice and men i like it
#12
Basically I picture this in a style that I've deemed, "rainy day hip-hop." Like with a really chill, melodic, slightly dark beat. A song to vibe with on, you guessed it, a rainy day. Think Sage Francis 'Hell of a Year' style. ALWAYS C4C!

***

Loved this first verse, really admiring it (big hip hop fan but i can picture these lyrics going to a Dylan-esque type thing, that in my opinion makes a great verse, without music it makes people picture all different things, and you done this here for me
You asked me where I’d go
In a few years
But I didn’t know
So I’d just smile,
And shift gears
Pass beers, and pretend that I was all ears
So when the devil came calling,
Looking for volunteers
I was halfway to L.A.
Cause I could drive
But I couldn’t steer

Now we’re six years from that
And I look back

Again loved it
Imagine the wisdom you would’ve shared
How to clean up, get smart, and always be prepared
Maybe that’s why I never really cared
Why I’m quick to take a dare
Or return another’s stare

But it could have been me in that living room chair
Again solid, reminds me of Dear Mama
Lord of the manor with my name on the mailbox
Now all we have are these sixty-minute jail talks
I see the way your face pales every time the cell locks
Didnt care for the double inside rhyme
Maybe I had to be inside
So I could see what’s inside
Stare at the mirror ‘til it was something I could recognize
I wasnt too keen on sing for my supper, thats just personal preference but it flows perfectly so again this is just me here
I know you’re nervous when you hear that I’ll walk soon
But when I sing for my supper this time I’ll sing a new tune
Flows perfect again here, although all this talk of food is distracting lol
Life is strife, and it’s a little unjust
But I see what I can do, and I see what I must
And when the dust finally settles on this builder’s tale
I’ll be sittin’ atop a steel beam holding a lunch pail
Perfect
Where I can let my legs dangle
At precisely the angle
To see the concrete jungle where I once was entangled
Good imagery, perfect verse
The asphalt was quicksand
And I was up to my hands
The more I would struggle
The more life would demand
Dude seriously, **** something up i cant crit anything lmao
The sunlight was stifled, but not by the trees
Heaven was lost to skyscraper canopies
A man feels alone when he can’t see the stars
Now I pass all the days counting Block D bars,
Notches on the wall, and the steps of the guards
Catchy and fitting
I count the days and
I count the days and
I think about how much the world has changed

…At least I hope it has
Nice, uplifiting constrast
For the local dads
And their wayward sons
There are dark days behind
But brighter ones to come
Best verse yet for me
Together we can clear away this haze
But this resurrection may take more than three days
Even Rome couldn’t be completed overnight
And to construct a man takes a lot more might
I can’t explain why we weren’t built for flight,
Why angels get wings and men get in fights
Good imagery again here
Well, I guess our time’s over
Have a safe trip home
Tell mom that I owe her
…and if you pass his grave,
be sure to drive slower
Big ending, the repitition enforces it
The hour is darkest before the dawn breaks
But there’s already sunlight touching the shades
Soon I’ll stand out and let it darken my face
For my sentence was time, and the reward is just space

My sentence was time, and the reward is just space


Dude, fantastic writing, I almost feel guilty it was that good cause ive had very little to crit. Im hopin once you record this to music you'll let me hear it. Also deep down some lyrical writing lessons would be brilliant aswell but i fear im pushing my luck :P


How long did it take to write till you were happy with it out of curiousity ?
#13
Quote by ATM*
br&nizzle, no I haven't much experience in making beats. I make some instrumental stuff on my computer, but its nothing related to hip hop. Even to say I write hip hop is a bit inaccurate, while I definitely have that rhythmic influence, my songs tend to be in different genres, and this came out hip hop. Glad that you (and everyone else so far) like it!

Mixed reviews on the title, and that was my own feeling. I think it has to provide some kind of hint as to the content or it will be a little difficult for the reader to catch up, but I'm not married to this one. Any suggestions or additional crits appreciated.


what about "Riding the Bullet"
the last verse reminds me of the stephen king short story
crit my rhymes?:

Lets Get Drunk and Fuck.

Subtle Arrogance

Do you realize, that i can clearly see your clitoris through your jeans?

Quote by Shaepwnsyou
They're very religious, so they have butt sex to save their virginity.
#14
That was really good as far as presentation goes...the narrative was great. The story's cool. Flow sort of stays the same the whole time though, it would be nice for a switchup
#16
Maybe, instead of the double inside rhyme, you could use outside... Like to miss what's on the outside... something like that? Other than that it's great
[FONT=Franklin Gothic Medium]I Like Plantain Sandwiches
#18
Thanks for all the crits. The most mentioned item seems to be the inside/inside lines, but actually there is only one rhyme in that stanza and it's inside/recognize. If I just do this:

Maybe I had to be inside so I could see what's inside
Stare at the mirror 'til it was something I could recognize

...problem solved. I like the line break to emphasize the double meaning and break up the flow, but in a song it's effectively the same.

rocknrollstar, I spent a few days writing it and little over a week editing it before I was happy enough with it. I strongly encourage people who want to post to kick the words around in your head for a while, and do some critical self-edits before posting what you feel is as far as you can take it.

Welcome all additional crits, good, bad and in between, and I believe I've studiously returned all crits so far.
#19
wow man thats awesome, i really really liked it, my only crit would be the rhyming of inside with inside, other thatn that is great, keep up the good work. peace
#20
hey man, overall was pretty good yeah. not too sure about the rhyming in some parts, too forced at times. like near the beginning chair, care, prepare, there....i disagreed with the comment of not being able to rhyme inside with inside tho, i liked it. do you think you could crit a peice for me.
#21
Quote by ATM*
Basically I picture this in a style that I've deemed, "rainy day hip-hop." Like with a really chill, melodic, slightly dark beat. A song to vibe with on, you guessed it, a rainy day. Think Sage Francis 'Hell of a Year' style. ALWAYS C4C!

***

You asked me where I’d go
In a few years
But I didn’t know
So I’d just smile,
And shift gears
Pass beers, and pretend that I was all ears
So when the devil came calling,
Looking for volunteers
I was halfway to L.A.
Cause I could drive
But I couldn’t steer
This stanza is a really great intro and it sucks me in, and keeps me interested. Good job.

Now we’re six years from that
And I look back

Imagine the wisdom you would’ve shared
How to clean up, get smart, and always be prepared
Maybe that’s why I never really cared
Why I’m quick to take a dare
Or return another’s stare
Again this stanza is good, although I don't like the last two lines as much I think that their your only real options.

But it could have been me in that living room chair

Lord of the manor with my name on the mailbox
Now all we have are these sixty-minute jail talks
I see the way your face pales every time the cell locks
I don't like the word "pales", but that's just a suggestion.

Maybe I had to be inside
So I could see what’s insideI don't like the rhyming with two similar words, other than that, this piece is excellent so far.
Stare at the mirror ‘til it was something I could recognize

I know you’re nervous when you hear that I’ll walk soon
But when I sing for my supper this time I’ll sing a new tune
I didn't like these two lines, just me maybe. The reason being is the "when I sing fo rmy supper..." part. Is that a saying that I'm unaware about. If it isn't, I'd change up that line.

Life is strife, and it’s a little unjust
But I see what I can do, and I see what I must
And when the dust finally settles on this builder’s tale
I’ll be sittin’ atop a steel beam holding a lunch pail

Where I can let my legs dangle
At precisely the angle
To see the concrete jungle where I once was entangled

The asphalt was quicksand
And I was up to my hands
The more I would struggle
The more life would demand

The sunlight was stifled, but not by the trees
Heaven was lost to skyscraper canopies
A man feels alone when he can’t see the stars
Now I pass all the days counting Block D bars,
Notches on the wall, and the steps of the guards

I count the days and
I count the days and
I think about how much the world has changed

…At least I hope it has

For the local dads
And their wayward sons
There are dark days behind
But brighter ones to come

Together we can clear away this haze
But this resurrection may take more than three days
Even Rome couldn’t be completed overnight
And to construct a man takes a lot more might
I can’t explain why we weren’t built for flight,
Why angels get wings and men get in fights

Well, I guess our time’s over
Have a safe trip home
Tell mom that I owe her
…and if you pass his grave,
be sure to drive slower

The hour is darkest before the dawn breaks
But there’s already sunlight touching the shades
Soon I’ll stand out and let it darken my face
For my sentence was time, and the reward is just space

My sentence was time, and the reward is just space


It's hard to critique such a perfect piece, so everything was just a nice, small suggestion. I don't know if it was just me, but I could see Immortal Technique singing that song. Don't bash me on that, but I just think these are damn good song lyrics with a damn good message.