#1
Like a Summer rain. Smelling
dusty and old and a little
like soap;
from freshly done laundry, someone
has forgotten to take off the lines.

Like a beautiful girl in a coffee shop; crying,
matching the tempo of her tears to
the drumming of drops on the tarp overhead.
And they're salting her camomile tea.
Oh if only rain smelled like that -
she wouldn’t cry then.

Like we're all living and dying
at the same time.
This is not a pipe
#2
this is
...strange.its touching but seems to have no course to flow.its nice, but you could change some words to some more poetical ..words than those modern.i dont know whcih, but it sounds too "nowadays" as the feeling it should give as you read it
#3
Quote by carmel_l
Like a Summer rain. Smelling
dusty and old and a little
like soap;
from freshly done laundry, someone
has forgotten to take off the lines.

You created a very strange atmosphere here with the use of extended metaphor. But i find the "laundry" metaphor here a bit underwhelming. That last line didn't hit me like it should have, by "should have" i mean i was expecting a bit of a va-va-voom to wrap things up initially before pursuing the second stanza. The pause after "rain" didn't do it for me, maybe you should taken out the full-stop and then use enjambment after rain?

second stanza.

Like a beautiful girl in a coffee shop; crying,
matching the tempo of her tears to
the drumming of drops on the tarp overhead.
And they're salting her camomile tea.
Oh if only rain smelled like that -
she wouldn’t cry then.

This is what I was expecting with the first stanza. This had the classic use of all the five senses, which worked superbly here. The last line had a spark to it that the last line of the previous stanza didn't. I like the use of the contemplative style of speech that was used in the fifth line, also.

Like we're all living and dying
at the same time.

Ah, the ending feels disappointing but at the same time it wrapped this piece nicely. It felt like when things start to feel like they're about to get from bad to worse, BANG-and solace becomes apparent.


Overall I thought this deserves to be read. It was nice little read that was complex in its simplicity. Thank you.

PS: If at all possible, because you mods are normally busy, can you please comment on my new piece "Caribbean Dreamin'"?

If not fear not.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 11, 2008,
#4
I disagree with Bleed.


I felt the first pause after rain was bang on. My problem was from the next line down to the end of the first stanza. It reads clumsily. I've read it out loud several times and I've managed to find a way to read it that's smooth but I don't think it matches up 100% with what you've written. I felt it was too stop startish, like the comma after laundry just seems to make it clumsy(imo, I may be reading it completely asswards but I still thought I'd comment).


I thought the rest was really nice. It's one thing about your poetry I love, it's all so familiar, so cotidiano. I don't know how to say that in English. =( So yeah, I'd say half and half. The content is here, but that first stanza(imho)doesn't work. The next one does and I'd like to see lots of poems by you just like the second stanza.
#5
This is
beautiful.

I think there must be something in your water lately, and whatever it is keep drinking it (let's hope it's not lead). Everything read like a charm, especially the first line, and the whole thing held such great imagery. If you want me to come back an nitpick I will, but the only thing I have left to say for now is:

Like a beautiful girl in a coffee shop; crying,
matching the tempo of her tears to
the drumming of drops on the tarp overhead.


amazing. 'nuff said.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
I've read this before, but my opinions have changed a bit; so I'll say them anyways.

I think the first stanza is much much out classed by the second. It wouldn't be bad, except... by the time I got through the second, it made your intro feel a bit like a let down. It was charming and soft, but it just didn't pack enough to really make it memorable or really set the reader up for the rest. If it wasn't for the "like soap" line, the whole thing would have just felt like a bland image wrapped in an almost hauntingly chill tone. It just feels like it needs a little something more to really make it pop a bit so that we don't forget it by the end.


Second stanza is gorgeous. You are really mastering this soft narration thing you've had going lately. It's pretty.

I didn't like the last two. Not because they are bad, but because I had to make a jump back for the comparison... and it felt like to big of a jump. It really disrupted my read.. and made it lose impact. The line between the comparisons plus the line break just made it hard for my brain to connect with on initial read, and I was wondering what the like was referring too. I'm rambling. Meh.

On the whole though, this was very good. I just think you need to clean up the ending so it doesn't such an "I don't get it" jolt and more of a "wow that's deep" jolt.



If you have time, I'd like thoughts on Sistine Charisma (siggy)
#9
Didn't like the last two.
Thought that the rain was introduced too early for the idea to be effective, even though it linked back very well later.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
^ i disagree.
i thought the use of water was really effective.
i love the simplicity. i don't really know what to say apart from that. i really liked the language, flow, imagery. it just seemed to work.
+ i always think that you shouldn't tell people what your writing means and stands for. imo people should always make their own opinions as to the meaning.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#12
Ohhh, very tasty. I've always wanted to write about something involved the salt in ones tears.

What I love about your work is how seemingly void of a real point it may seem to be. I know that sounds ridiculous, but when I read your poems, I just think, Carmel hasn't got any digs at the Church, the Internet, or the goverment, that she needs to let off her chest, she is just talking about life and how depressing it can be, and how its the small times that count and make huge impact: The times just serving drinks in a coffee shop, the times drinking tea in a coffee shop because they're out of coffee. You manage to evoke such wonderful feelings of sadness and lonliness that beckons you to almost grow up and find the world and discover its beauties.

Also, there are hidden meanings behind the words (I'm not ignorant to that fact) that you can choose to ignore or deciphor in your own ways. Even without pondering on the more deeper meanings, this is still a joy to behold.

Digitally Clean