#1
this is really annoying me atm. it's only a very rough draft but it's missing something which i can't put my finger on. i'm not really used to working with such sort pieces but i wanted to somewhat test myself.

Let's see how many times,
I can change my face in the night.
For what is in my features?
Except a lack of depth.
I'll lavish paint upon my flesh
in the colours of the rainbow.
Abstract images that even Popova
would have taken pride in.
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#2
Instead of the full-stop after night maybe replace it with a hyphen? I think that way it'll make everything slip out of the tongue, which gives it the extra crisp. I think that maybe a lines worth of elaboration after rainbow could work preferably one that tells us, the readers, your state of mind; this keeps the content and relationship whole. I think this is especially true with the last two lines, they feel disjointed. Also "Popova" is too much of a stressed name; it does your flow no favor.

Overall this was a nice effort and a nice read, to say the least. Keep posting and I'm sure that with due time you'll improve.

Thank you for the crit
#3
I really like the idea. A lot. I think you certainly have something here. There's nice play on words and phrasing, sneaking in some alliteration... It's simply well written.

As for what's missing... perhaps you could turn this into an active piece, rather than passive. Not what you "can" do and what you "will" do but rather just do it. Take the character that one step beyond thinking about those things and make them do them.
What is writing if not an opportunity to actually act upon things we may never really do?
This is not a pipe
#4
To me this lacks a sense of full circle, a final line, much like what Carmel said an active line instead of passive, that first step to him actually changing his face, no matter how small you make that act to be it's a step in the right direction and a progression forward.

As for what is already there, there's nothing I can critique in the slightest, very tight. Your use of punctuation at the end of the first 4 lines seems a bit too much, some freedom there would allow the image to build at a steady pace. Good to see you back stranger.

peACE

p.s. If you feel like seeing what I'm writing atm then click the ? in my sig.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#5
"For what is in my features?
Except a lack of depth."

That two lines stood out to me the most. Really liked them.
I thought the piece was well written, subtle rhymes with an interesting idea.
I can't really pick holes in what's there. I think the problem of the piece is not what it has, but what it lacks. The last two lines, while good, don't really offer a resolution and doesn't seem like an appropriate ending. I think a great ending should simultaneously close and open a piece. It should without doubt finish the subject/idea of the piece, yet should give the piece a life after it's end. I'm not sure you achieved the earlier in this piece, and it definitely lacks the latter.

I think it's evident you're a good writer, and this is not a bad piece. But I get the feeling you're capable of better. Hope this helps.
#6
thanks for the advice everyone.
i'm think i'm going to give your suggestions a whirl and see what happens
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#7
I didn't like the way you posed the question with the line "For what is in my features?" In such a short piece I find it important to be very direct and only ask a reader a question you can't answer. You only have so much space to make an impact with, and viewing this as a finished piece (Which is unfair, because you said it's still a rough draft) I find the question distracts more from the immediacy than it adds to it.
You need that knock out punch, and right now this is all foot work.
Hope that helped.