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#1
what are some jokes the pit likes that are from stand up comics? mine, "I've only had sex with one asian, but she was very asian. She was a panda."
#2
Being stabbed is never fun.

EDIT: Well now you changed it, to be boring, I'll take my leave.

ಠ_ಠ

wat

#4
Quote by beadhangingOne
"I saw this guy talking in a movie theater, and I thought, 'What would Jesus do?'

So I lit him on fire and sent him to hell."

---Daniel Tosh I believe?



yea but the joke is much longer
my favorite

"i was cleaning the bathroom at mcdonals, and this guy was being unbeilevibly loud in stall so i did what we all do, i wanted to look at his shoes, and at the same time the guy wanted to see if anyone was in there, and our faces met under the stall."

kyle cease
#5
A bear and a rabbit were sitting in the woods taking a shit. The bear turned to the rabbit and asked him, "Hey, do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit said no. So the bear picked the rabbit up and wiped his ass with him.
Quote by dm1925
texas ftw!
we're saving the world, one zombie at a time


Quote by ThePastRecedes
Yo Bob Dylan, I'm really happy for you an I'm gonna let you finish, but Jimi Hendrix had one of the best versions of All Along the Watchtower of all time!
#6
Quote by noname666
what are some jokes the pit likes that are from stand up comics? mine, "I've only had sex with one asian, but she was very asian. She was a panda."

Jim Gaffigan FTW.

my favorite stand-up joke is:
A friend said he wanted to show me a picture of when he was younger. Every picture is of you when you were younger. "Here's a picture of me when I'm older." "Son of a bitch. Let me see that camera."
or
They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. But I tried to make it at home; there's more to it than that. "Want some more homemade Sprite?" "Not 'til you figure out what the f**k else is in it!
Begin again in the night, let's sway again tonight.
Your arm on my shoulder, your cheek against mine.
Where can we go, when will we find that, we know.
#7
Adam sandler

Growing up Jewish was hard. People bullied me at school, throwing pennies at me and shit. But I have the last laugh, I collected all of the pennies and now they all work for me.
Quote by Last_Serenade
dimebag put as much emotion in to 9/10 of his solos as hitler showed when putting jews in syanide showers.

Quote by P-Laverty
QUESTION! Does emo porn have blood everywhere from wrist wounds?

Quote by Dabey
HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ

no but seriously, HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ
#9
I like to watch the other Olympics, you know the ones you aren't supposed to laugh at, but when you watch the hurdles they knock over EVERY SINGLE ONE. You start to giggle now you're going to hell? Thats not fair, they are supposed to be athletes, Ruben in lane 6 is chewing on the second hurdle. Sorry I found that funny, I'll tell you whats not funny, they sell those foam hands 'You're #1' only they are shaped like that (does retarded hand).


haha daniel tosh is hilarious


another one from him

Hollywood on their moral high horse won't make a movie about a retarded chimp, unless you count a Vin Diesel movie.
Last edited by in2thesun88 at Sep 11, 2008,
#10
"I used to do drugs. I still do drugs, but I used to do them, too."

-Mitch, of course
Gunpowder: FUCKING ROCKS!!!
Quote by The Madcap
[witty set-up]
Gunpowder FUCKING ROCKS!!!!!

Quote by Kensai

Gunpowder you fucking rock!!

Quote by Dirge Humani
Now I can say, with sufficient certainly, that you, Gunpowder...

FUCK ROCKS!
#12
Quote by Beakwithteeth
"This next character is called the five year old who complains about having a beard: "I don't wanna have a beyd! It huts! My beyd huts!"

-Zach Galifianakis

At 1:30 or something
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOQboHV3-PI



...How is that funny?
Quote by Last_Serenade
dimebag put as much emotion in to 9/10 of his solos as hitler showed when putting jews in syanide showers.

Quote by P-Laverty
QUESTION! Does emo porn have blood everywhere from wrist wounds?

Quote by Dabey
HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ

no but seriously, HAHA U IS TEH EMOZORZ
#14
I like baked potatoes, man. I don't have a microwave oven; it takes forever to cook a baked potato in a conventional oven. Sometimes I'll just throw one in there, even if I don't want one, because by the time it's done....who knows? I'll throw a potato in and go on vacation.

- Mitch Hedberg.

I just had a baked potato, by the way.
██████████████████████
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██████████████████████
██████████████████████
██████████████████████
██████████████████████
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You'll Never Walk Alone
#15
"On a traffic light green means go and yellow means yield, but on a banana it's just the opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the **** did you get that banana at?"

The late, great Mitch Hedberg.
#16
I used to do drugs, but that was waaaaay over there. *points to corner*

I don;t remember who said it but I love it.

Also, this one is by Demetri Martin, who I think id friggin hilarious.

Swimming is a very confusing sport to me because sometimes you do it for fun and sometimes you do it to not die. I have to go by the outfit. Bathing suit, okay. Pants, Uh Oh. Naked, we'll see...should I be swimmin faster or am I getting laid?
Last edited by sglover34479 at Sep 11, 2008,
#17
"Non-smokers die every day." - Bill Hicks
Action. Reaction. Like an eye for an eye from our tribal days.
#19
*some guy dressed up like a hick biker, but speaking in a normal American accent*

People are always asking me, "[Dude's name], why are you stabbing me?"
#20
"Stephen Hawking would be the worst passenger in a car...you wouldn't know if it was him talking or the sat-nav" ~ Sean Lock
Quote by Fassa Albrecht
You can't prove that people DON'T walk on water. turn water into wine etc.
#21
Quote by Beakwithteeth
"This next character is called the five year old who complains about having a beard: "I don't wanna have a beyd! It huts! My beyd huts!"

-Zach Galifianakis

At 1:30 or something
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oOQboHV3-PI


Quite possibly the most unfunny thing I've ever seen
Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
Wiggy = legend.

Devil's Advocate
#22
I could go on for ages. But, for now, here's one that I absolutely adore. IMO, it's the best stand up bit about the Bush administration that I've ever heard.

Also, all of this is from memory, because I'm a huge fucking nerd and I love it.

"I think whether you like him or not Bush seems like a fun guy, he's like the guy invite to the barbeque because you know he's going to start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony. Everyone's like, 'Whiffle Ball Tony's here! Alright! It is so ON!', and then one day somebody's like, *drunkenly* 'We're gonna put Tony in charge of EVERYTHING', and I'm like *drunkenly* 'We aaaaaarrree? The burgers AND the potato salad? I don't think that's such a good idea'. And then he starts getting all cocky, going over to the neighbor's yard, challenging them to whiffle ball games. He's like, 'I heard you bitches wanna play whiffle ball!", and they're like, 'We didn't say that,' and then he just starts chucking hamburgers at'em. And we're like, 'Tony?! What're you doin', man?!' and he's like, 'They were gonna chuck hamburgers at me!!'. But it turns out, they don't even HAVE hamburgers. They have hotdogs, but they only throw them at each other, so it's cool. Then people start saying, 'Maybe we shouldn't have gone with Whiffle Ball Tony, maybe we should have gone with Bookworm Steve, but he's SO BORING!', and then someone's like, 'What about Ralph? We could have gone with Ralph', and we're like, 'SHUT UP, RALPH! This is no time for joking'."

-Mike Birbiglia
Voted 3rd Friendliest User of UG 2010

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND JERK OFF IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER!


Saxo-Walrus

Steam & PSN ID: Panopticon20
#24
I heard Kramer had some very hilarious jokes... they were so funny we havent heard from him since... hmmmmmm why?
Quote by Aaron the 4th
GAYS...we don't hate that your gay we hate that your proud of it
#26
Mitch Hedberg was a freakin legend! I love his stuff. Too bad heroine got the best of him...
Quote by Aaron the 4th
GAYS...we don't hate that your gay we hate that your proud of it
#28
Quote by fallenangel20
I could go on for ages. But, for now, here's one that I absolutely adore. IMO, it's the best stand up bit about the Bush administration that I've ever heard.

Also, all of this is from memory, because I'm a huge fucking nerd and I love it.

"I think whether you like him or not Bush seems like a fun guy, he's like the guy invite to the barbeque because you know he's going to start the whiffle ball game. He's like Whiffle Ball Tony. Everyone's like, 'Whiffle Ball Tony's here! Alright! It is so ON!', and then one day somebody's like, *drunkenly* 'We're gonna put Tony in charge of EVERYTHING', and I'm like *drunkenly* 'We aaaaaarrree? The burgers AND the potato salad? I don't think that's such a good idea'. And then he starts getting all cocky, going over to the neighbor's yard, challenging them to whiffle ball games. He's like, 'I heard you bitches wanna play whiffle ball!", and they're like, 'We didn't say that,' and then he just starts chucking hamburgers at'em. And we're like, 'Tony?! What're you doin', man?!' and he's like, 'They were gonna chuck hamburgers at me!!'. But it turns out, they don't even HAVE hamburgers. They have hotdogs, but they only throw them at each other, so it's cool. Then people start saying, 'Maybe we shouldn't have gone with Whiffle Ball Tony, maybe we should have gone with Bookworm Steve, but he's SO BORING!', and then someone's like, 'What about Ralph? We could have gone with Ralph', and we're like, 'SHUT UP, RALPH! This is no time for joking'."

-Mike Birbiglia



I debated whether or not I would type that whole bit out, but you saved me the trouble.

"Our apartment has its own drug dealer outside. I walked outside one morning, craving a Snapple, and he was like 'Hey, you want some drugs?' Then I said 'No, but do you have any Snapple?'

I think he should carry Snapple, so he can use it to lure you in. Once he's sold me the Snapple, then he could say, 'Hey you know what would go great with that Snapple? Crack.' It's kinda like Amazon.com: If you enjoyed Snapple, you might also enjoy..."
No animals were harmed in order to bring you the above post. However, several photons were greatly inconvenienced.

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-TOAD
#29
Quote by Quintessence153


I debated whether or not I would type that whole bit out, but you saved me the trouble.

"Our apartment has its own drug dealer outside. I walked outside one morning, craving a Snapple, and he was like 'Hey, you want some drugs?' Then I said 'No, but do you have any Snapple?'

I think he should carry Snapple, so he can use it to lure you in. Once he's sold me the Snapple, then he could say, 'Hey you know what would go great with that Snapple? Crack.' It's kinda like Amazon.com: If you enjoyed Snapple, you might also enjoy..."



I could quite possibly type all of Two Drink Mike and the majority of My Secret Public Journal Live by memory into this thread.

I probably should........ I have nothing better to do.


Voted 3rd Friendliest User of UG 2010

BUILD A TIME MACHINE, AND JERK OFF IN IT, AND SEND IT TO HITLER!


Saxo-Walrus

Steam & PSN ID: Panopticon20
#30
Quote by SJR
"Non-smokers die every day." - Bill Hicks



Non-smokers die faster.
Who Said Anything About A Signature ? ಠ_ಠ
#31
I just remembered a comedian that I saw on an old stand-up show (might have been Premium Blend) whose routine centered around him playing the most eccentric character ever. I can't remember his name, but some of his one-liners stuck with me.

"Some people call me crazy for doing it, but I spend a lot of time listening to cassette tapes. I'm not gonna take the manufacturer's word for it that they're blank!"

"I used to have a huge amount of trouble talking to women, but it got easier when I found out that they're just as afraid of me as I am of them."

I wish I could find him again...
No animals were harmed in order to bring you the above post. However, several photons were greatly inconvenienced.

ALL GLORY TO THE HYPNO-TOAD
#32
Quote by wiggy1988
Quite possibly the most unfunny thing I've ever seen


oh cmon, the pretentious illiterate is one of the funniest things i have ever seen

"i told you, i dont know how to reead"
#33
Quote by Quintessence153


I debated whether or not I would type that whole bit out, but you saved me the trouble.

"Our apartment has its own drug dealer outside. I walked outside one morning, craving a Snapple, and he was like 'Hey, you want some drugs?' Then I said 'No, but do you have any Snapple?'

I think he should carry Snapple, so he can use it to lure you in. Once he's sold me the Snapple, then he could say, 'Hey you know what would go great with that Snapple? Crack.' It's kinda like Amazon.com: If you enjoyed Snapple, you might also enjoy..."
Love Birbibliography

I like rock, paper, scissors but like 2/3. I get that rock can smash the scissors and that the scissors can cut the paper, but paper covers rock? The rock is fine. What it should be is rock dynamite.....with a cutable wick, scissors.

Why are there never any good mysteries? It's always "Who killed that guy?" or "Who stole the diamond?" It's never "Who baked cookies?" or "Who cleaned my room?"
*-)
Quote by Bob_Sacamano
i kinda wish we all had a penis and vagina instead of buttholes

i mean no offense to buttholes and poop or anything

Rest in Peace, Troy Davis and Trayvon Martin and Jordan Davis and Eric Garner and Mike Brown
#34
"Remember that...joke about the briefcase? That was a fucking good joke, man."
"Hey man, this joke was on the first CD, but I added a new line, and shit, I can't deprive you of a good joke. I had an ant farm, them fellas didn't grow shit. I said, 'C'mon, how bout some celery? You fuckers don't farm! Plus, if I took off your legs, you'd look like snowmen.' That, that's the part that wasn't on the first CD."
"This CD will be called Hit or Miss."
"I bought a cheese grater, and they call it a cheese grater because that's the positive name. If they called it by it's negative name it'd be called a 'sponge ruiner.' Because I tried to wash it."
"I like to play blackjack."
"Long hair is associated with drug use. I wish it was associated with something me like, and extreme longing for cake. See a guy walkin' down the street with long hair, and you go, 'Man, that guy needs some cake.' Fathers sayin' to their daughters, 'Don't bring the cake eater over here anymore! He smells like flour. Did you see how excited he got when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?'"

Basically anything Mitch Hedburg says, whether it's funny on it's own, or funny because it's just so God-damn stupid
Quote by Tire Me.
Raping her in front of other people would be morally wrong.

Quote by Bubbles516
wtf290 uses make bubbles feel like crap
Its super effective!
#35
"They recently invented the breakfast hot pocket, FINALLY. I can’t think of a better way to start the day; Good morning... you’re about to call in sick. Now I can have a Hot Pocket for breakfast, a Hot Pocket for lunch, and be DEAD by dinner. (whisper) Dead Pocket." - Jim Gaffigan
~and~
"People spell their name however they want, it has nothing to do with phonics or nothing. I'm not sure what phonics is, but I saw the girl that was hooked on it. She's got a problem with it apparently...
...Anyway I met his woman, her name was ah, Amy, you know, so I go "Oh, A-M-Y?" She goes "No, A-Y-M-I-E". "Ughhh... I have to take a nap! I'm Brian, B-R-I-V-O-L-B-N, the number 7, the letter Q, --'Brennemenahgah!!!' Look at my name tag, it's, it's big." - Brian Regan
Quote by brandon369852
lolworthy- classicrockboy WIN of thread.
"When the power of love overcomes the love of power, the world will know peace."
~ Jimi Hendrix

UG Backing Track Band
UG Rock Opera
Check out my songs for it

Currently e-single. Hit me up ladies
#36
Quote by Deliriumbassist
I'm not a big one liner fan. I much prefer anecdotes and skits.

Deliriumbassist you're a mod now? It's about time, you F*ckin own the pit

and my favorite is probably

"I'm gonna get some botox surgery on my balls to get all them wrinkles out gonna make em as smooth as eggs then I'm gonna go down the beach find me some ball suckers. I'll walk up with confidence saying 'excuse me ma'am do you suck balls' and she'll be offended and I'll say 'do you suck THESE balls?"

Dave Chapelle
UG's Prodigal Son
Last edited by lunaticfringe93 at Sep 11, 2008,
#38
Quote by element4433
Love Birbibliography

I like rock, paper, scissors but like 2/3. I get that rock can smash the scissors and that the scissors can cut the paper, but paper covers rock? The rock is fine. What it should be is rock dynamite.....with a cutable wick, scissors.

Why are there never any good mysteries? It's always "Who killed that guy?" or "Who stole the diamond?" It's never "Who baked cookies?" or "Who cleaned my room?"


In the same vein: "So I was bringing my couch into my new apartment complex and a woman who lives in the building helped me carry it in. She said "I trust you because a rapist wouldn't have a couch like that." Ok, so what I should've said... was NOTHING. What I did say was "You'd be surprised..... SEE YA ROUND THE BUILDING"

I'm so lucky I got to see him on campus friday
They credited us with the birth of that sort of heavy metal thing. Well, if that's the case, there should be an immediate abortion.


-Ginger Baker
#40
I liked Rodney Dangerfield when he was alive.

random mumblings... "I get no respect!"
Quote by justen23
I made fun of the national guard in front of some kid that was in it. He tried to kill me but failed just like they always do.


Quote by SeveralSpecies
Haha, ass herpes.
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