#1
Idea I've been trying to flesh out for a while, I'd really appreciate crits since I might actually rewrite this one. c4c.

Desi Arnaz
Skyline's cracked and overcast,
She's half past lost and never coming back.
Black and white television and magazine stacks.
Her hair, gray-red, fire-stained, scarlet curls of
Thunderstorm rain and tired shame.
Small pond, small fish. .
You knew it'd end like this.
Desi, Desi, Desi,
What mistakes we have made.
#2
Well, this had the immediate benefit of educating me, as I wasn't aware of Desi Arnaz's off-screen troubles, and Wikipedia cleared the air for me. I think this is a very good piece, due to both the imagery and diction itself. I love the internal rhyme scheme and the imagery surrounding her hair. The only line I don't fully understand is 'Small pond, small fish' It sounds great in context, but it seems like that line would be more appropriate if Lucy became a star and left him. Which, based on what I read, it was more like the opposite, Desi living it up like a diva and womanizing. So I'm unclear on the message there. But good piece. Normally I prefer line-by-line crits, but in a 9-line piece there's only so much I have an opinion on.

c4c always appreciated, link in my sig.
#3
First thing I have to say is, I'm not so good at criting poem/prose stuff as I'm more of a song guy, but I'll do the best I can for you ...

Desi Arnaz

-- I LIKE THE IDEA OF THE TITLE, BUT FOR SOME REASON THE NAME DESI JUST ANNOYS ME ...

Skyline's cracked and overcast,
She's half past lost and never coming back.

-- SUPERB OPENING. I'VE READ THE PIECE A FEW TIMES NOW, AND THESE TWO LINES ARE SO FAR SUPERIOR TO THE REST. RYHME IS GOOD, ALLITERATION IS OFF THE CHARTS. AGAIN, REAL NICE AND GOOD.

Black and white television and magazine stacks.

--THIS IS WHERE I START TO GET LOST STRUCTURALY. AND ALSO, IT'S THE ONLY PART OF THE WHOLE PIECE THAT ISN'T "COLORFUL" WAS THAT ON PURPOSE? ALTHOUGH, I LIKE HOW YOU INTRODUCED THE CHARACTER ... AND IF THIS PART IS FOR REAL, I LIKE HOW YOU DESCRIBED HER AS NOT MUCH OF TV WATCHER, AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT I GET FROM HAVING A B&W TV HAHAHA

Her hair, gray-red, fire-stained, scarlet curls of
Thunderstorm rain and tired shame.

--FIRST LINE IS TERRIBLE. BOTH FOR STRUCTURE (TOO CHOPY AND UNLIKE ALL THE REST WHICH IS GENERALLY SMOOTH) AND IT JUST READS LAME. JUDGING BY THE ENDING, THIS APPEARS TO BE WHERE YOU STARTED TO LOSE STEAM. ALTHOUGH I DO LIKE THE 2ND LINE, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON, SOUNDS GOOD WHEN IT'S SAID.

Small pond, small fish. .
You knew it'd end like this.
Desi, Desi, Desi,
What mistakes we have made.

-- I DO HAVE TO ADMIT. I'M USUALLY ONE TO AT LEAST POINT THE READER IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION FOR RESOLVE. I'M AMAZED BY HOW FAR YOU WENT DOWN FROM THE OPENING LINES TO THE END. FIRST PART WAS WELL WRITTEN, IMAGERY WAS TOP NOTCH. THEN YOU GO TO SUCH COMMON WORDS AND TIRED CLICHES AS "SMALL POND, SMALL FISH" JUST DON'T GET IT MY FRIEND. VERY DISAPPOINTING ENDING FOR SUCH A GRAND START.

Well, overall, after the first read, I thought this piece was two different things. First four lines I really enjoyed, and I thought were well written. It's such a short piece, so to me that says every word has to have a place and must make it's own impact. Re-read it yourself, can you honestly say that is true? Then the ending, well, just wasn't any good. I mean, I've read that several million times in other pieces. In the end, other than a few well written lines, I think this one falls on the "alright I guess" pile.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#5
ATM*, I'm really glad you took the initiative to find a back story on this before you critiqued it. I really appreciate your thoughts and I'll be sure to hit you back sometime soon.

aksuperstar, I appreciate that you went in depth, but I feel the story is lost on you since it seems you don't know who Desi Arnaz is. You would be rather lost on the red hair lines especially. Still, I appreciate your crit. Thank you.