#1
crit for crit, need help with the chorus to make it flow a little better.

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where do I begin?
how's my little girl doing?
god, I sure miss her a lot.

what about you?
are you just getting through?
you're in every one of my thoughts.

I hear you're almost done,
with a home that you'd begun,
it's the biggest that I've ever known.

is Hailey doing well?
you're happy I can tell,
by the way you talk on the telephone.

CHORUS:
Thank you, for asking of me
Yeah, I'm doing alright
I know, that you know of me
and I've been known to lie
This could be one of those times
This could be one of those times

I miss you and me,
playing cars on our knees,
soaking up what the sun provides.

the further we are,
from what we called the start,
won't change how you appear in my eyes.

what can I say or do?
so I can assure you,
that I'll soon make my way back home.

I know it's been a while,
and you've since had a child,
I'm just glad you called me on the phone.

CHORUS x2
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
Last edited by aksuperstar at Sep 12, 2008,
#3
Quote by aksuperstar
crit for crit, need help with the chorus to make it flow a little better.

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where do I begin?
how's my little girl doing?
god, I sure miss her a lot.

Last line chops up the flow. I don't really know if I like the idea of starting with "where do I begin?", especially if this is going to be a song.

what about you?
are you just getting through?
you're in every one of my thoughts.

This entire thing is just drawn out and dull. Too cliche. Feels like filler.

I hear you're almost done,
with a home that you'd begun,
it's the biggest that I've ever known.

The tenses here feel all out of whack. You're progressing the story, but I'm not getting much depth from it.

is Hailey doing well?
you're happy I can tell,
by the way you talk on the telephone.

Personally, I like it when someone adds a name in their writing, it gives it a much more personal feel. The second line comes off as cheesy though.

CHORUS:
Thank you, for asking of me
Yeah, I'm doing alright
I know, that you know of me
and I've been known to lie
This could be one of those times
This could be one of those times

No, I don't like this bit at all I'm afraid. Your entire chorus is filler, you've switched perspectives I'm assuming, which is confusing enough by itself, but you're also introducing past experiences of a character I, as the reader, know nothing about (I've been known to lie).

I miss you and me,
playing cars on our knees,
soaking up what the sun provides.

It's getting better here, you're going for some more original imagery here. I don't like the word provides in the last line though, switch it out for something a little smoother.

the further we are,
from what we called the start,
won't change how you appear in my eyes.

This does nothing for me. Filler.

what can I say or do?
so I can assure you,
that I'll soon make my way back home.

Eh. Losing what little interest I had left.

I know it's been a while,
and you've since had a child,
I'm just glad you called me on the phone.

This all reads very strangely. "Since you've had a child" doesn't go over well, since I was lead to believe it was the narrator's child, but here you refer to the child in an extremely impersonal way. Adding the prepositional phrase to the last line just makes it seem comically redundant.

CHORUS x2


You need to vary your rhyme scheme, when it's this predictable, it just gets downright boring. Don't get me wrong, these days I rhyme pretty much everything I write too, but mix up what lines rhyme at least. You also need to give your stories more meat. More detail. I got a very vague and, as a result, rather lifeless story from this. I know this crit is pretty harsh, but I get the feeling that you're relatively new to writing, so take this with a grain of salt. Keep writing and you'll get better. I wasn't a fan sorry to say. Good luck with whatever else you write.

Also, could you hit the piece in my sig, if you can get around to it.
#4
thanks for the tips both of you, and especially NGD. I don't think your crit was harsh at all. It actually helps me more when it's not all "it's good man, keep it up ..."

The piece is supposed to follow a phone conversation as heard from just one side, and the characters hadn't talked for a while. Guess I need to make that a little more clear!!

Thanks again though, getting to yours now.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5