#1
C4C, "Good Friend"

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words were flung, ideas were passed
no surprise that we ended it again
sometimes you don't make any sense
sometimes you're not such a good friend
when times get tough
you'd rather give up

been in love for as long as I remember
through everything that remained true
there's no need to raise your voice
we've done this before, it's nothing new
I've had my doubts,
just like everyone else

CHORUS:
so, I, rest my silver tongue
close down and leave broken-hearted
pull back just in time to rewind my life
to how it was before all this started
when you were a good friend
when you were a good friend

look at you the homecoming queen
falling in and out of somebody new
A pretty face just dies in the mirror
when all that remains is a shell of you
beauty is skin deep,
as long as we can see.

been forever now since I let go
months between thoughts of how it was
I hear you're not doing so well
and that you're back to wanting us
what's there to gain,
when you're still the same?

CHORUS
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
Last edited by aksuperstar at Sep 19, 2008,
#3
I liked the idea of the whole song with the friendship thing. Same thing happened with me...


I like the whole thing really... even the first two verses where he (^) said he didn't like the flow, but I dig it. It doesn't always have to seem nice. I especially like the chorus as well. Good work sir.

Could you crit mine? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=955361
#4
thanks you two, I'll be returning crits later this evening. If there is a full crit out there, I'd be forever greatfull and will be more than happy to recipricate
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#5
words were flung, ideas were passed
no surprise that we ended it again
sometimes you don't make any sense
sometimes you're not such a good friend Here i might take out such. Just cause it sounds like to many syllables. But it may work with the music.
when times get tough
you'd rather give up Overall i really like this verse. It really draws you in and kinda lays out whats going on.

been in love for as long as I remember
through everything that remained true
there's no need to raise your voice
we've done this before, it's nothing new
I've had my doubts,
just like everyone else Still a great verse but it seems like it may need one more line. It doesnt seem to go into the chorus quite right.

CHORUS:
so, I, rest my silver tongue
close down and leave broken-hearted
pull back just in time to rewind my life
to how it was before all this started
when you were a good friend
when you were a good friend I absolutley love this. Great imagery, great flow, Its an excellent chorus imo.

look at you the homecoming queen
falling in and out of somebody new
A pretty face just dies in the mirror Maybe here change it to Just a pretty face dead in the mirror. what you have seems kinda out of tense with the rest of the verse.
when all that remains is a shell of you And here remove when. It seems like to many syllables.
beauty is skin deep,
as long as we can see. I think this is my least favorite verse. But its still great.

been forever now since I let go
months between thoughts of how it was
I hear you're not doing so well
and that you're back to wanting us
what's there to gain,
when you're still the same? THis verse is great. Dont change a thing great conviction and and an excellent ending

CHORUS


All in all i think its great. And all of my stuff is really just the opinion of a new songwriter. The things I've said may sound horrible with the music played behind it. But i do really like it. Also thanks for the Crit.
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#6
A few breaks in the flow could of been alleviated with some punctuation and a bit of general teetering around. In all though, it read like you were trying to be simple and tell the story as you felt it, but it turned out a little boring. Also, because you had previously explained the story at the top of the page, I just felt, why am I reading this? It was only after the second verse though, as then I started to realise what kind of song this was going to be.
Your opening line is excatly what anyone would pen, as it is the first thing that pops into your head. It felt like no effort had been exerted into this.
Saying that there were certainly sections that I enjoyed, like this:

- "when all that remains is a shell of you
beauty is skin deep,
as long as we can see." - This was very nifty.

- "no surprise that we ended it again" - This added a very strong sense of pity on your part, which was effective, but then it just failed to continue adding anger and emotion. You then just realed off how they used to like each other and now they don't.

- "been forever now since I let go
months between thoughts of how it was
I hear you're not doing so well
and that you're back to wanting us
what's there to gain,
when you're still the same?" - Apart from the cliched opening line to this stanza, I really enjoyed reading this bit. It had a very strong sarcastic and evil tone to it that should of been more prevalent throughout the song.

- "look at you the homecoming queen
falling in and out of somebody new
A pretty face just dies in the mirror
when all that remains is a shell of you
beauty is skin deep,
as long as we can see." - This is a very typical idea that has been used and re-used, I think you could of conjored something more believable and less obtuse to the complicated eye.

Overall, I did enjoy reading it, but it felt lazy.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 18, 2008,
#7
Quote by AngryGoldfish
It felt like no effort had been exerted into this.


Is it not that all great writing is supposed to read like no effort has been used in it's creation? haha

Besides that, thanks both of you for the great crits!! Appreciate the time it took to do and is surely apprecaited. You both had some great insight that I don't always see. In the process of putting it to some simple guitar chords so I'll let you know how it ends up.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#8
Quote by aksuperstar
C4C, "Good Friend"

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words were flung, ideas were passed
no surprise that we ended it again I like the first two lines, gets it going
sometimes you don't make any sense Not sure about this one. It's just a little too...quirky? literal? I just think it narrows the tone too much
sometimes you're not such a good friend Since you detail this in the chorus, I'd like to see something more like the previous lines, a little less obvious
when times get tough
you'd rather give up not thrilled about this couplet but flows well enough probably

been in love for as long as I remember
through everything that remained true This is an awkward way of phrasing. It doesn't have a lot of flow..
there's no need to raise your voice
we've done this before, it's nothing new Your basically saying the same thing twice in this line in order to make it rhyme
I've had my doubts,
just like everyone else better lines here

CHORUS:
so, I, rest my silver tongue
close down and leave broken-hearted
pull back just in time to rewind my life This line has vague imagery that I don't think rightly conveys your thoughts
to how it was before all this started
when you were a good friend
when you were a good friend like the flow

look at you the homecoming queen
falling in and out of somebody new
A pretty face just dies in the mirror
when all that remains is a shell of you again, these last couple lines have tried to sound clever, and maybe they are, but I don't understand what you're saying
beauty is skin deep,
as long as we can see. Again, close but in my head this doesn't flow that well

been forever now since I let go
months between thoughts of how it was
I hear you're not doing so well
and that you're back to wanting us
what's there to gain,
when you're still the same? This is by far the best stanza. The flow is really nice, the story is clear but not too obvious.

CHORUS


Well, I think there's potential for a great hook at the end of the chorus, I liked the overall idea of the song and some of the specific lines. But, I thought a lot of it flowed awkwardly, and some of the lines were not good enough to be clever and not bad enough to be simple, leaving me lost in the middle.

c4c always appreciated, link to my newest 'Of Felons and Fathers' in my sig!