#1
I'm ambivalent on parts of this, as it was written all in the same timeframe and mindset, but there's something puzzling, so go off and find it in you, for you've been promptly

given light, I've given thought to light
let it pour like reverbed snares
saturate my ears

The mortar is crumbling
though the paint holds fast
and this assures most that
their dignity is still up for sale

at forty two percent off the
profits are falling flawlessly like a
torrential downpour of pain
inflicted all by yourself

and all myself is bleeding in -
I didn't mean to - I slipped and
fell into that realm

Leave her alone
for the stone
she's tied to simply
won't let go
because she's stumbling

This becomes a defining moment in which there's
so much less to lose.

Slide the catheter inside the war
observe the drip and drain the blood
and return the missing peace
to where it was before

That blue tattoo she's got around her neck
curled up into itself after it lured him in
He didn't see it until the dawn
when she removed his life
and calmly placed it
on the sidewalk
underneath the streetlight
#2
Gah!


I really want to crit you and I've been reading this over and over and can't find anything I don't like. In fact the more I read it, the better I read it and the better it sounds. I've been annoying Steve by recording soundclips of different stanzas and sending them to him.


So yeah... I guess you can have a bump because I haven't done much more =(
#3
Yeah. This is cool. Great metaphors in there, I especially like the part about solid paint over a crumbling walls...
#4
Leave her alone
for the stone
she's tied to simply
won't let go
because she's stumbling


i would change the last line, the whole stumbling theme seems a little overused and also it kinda seems random and out of context anyways.
#5
Quote by spike_8bkp
I'm ambivalent on parts of this, as it was written all in the same timeframe and mindset, but there's something puzzling, so go off and find it in you, for you've been promptly

given light, I've given thought to light
let it pour like reverbed snares
saturate my ears

apart from the last line, too abrupt, i enjoyed this. I loved the way you started with a couple of traditional sentences before going in for the tercet.

The mortar is crumbling
though the paint holds fast
and this assures most that
their dignity is still up for sale

The phrasing here didn't do it for me. This stanza lacked flow, due to lack of punctuation. The mortar metaphor felt underwhelming-it felt irrelevant to the point that the meaning felt lost.

at forty two percent off the
profits are falling flawlessly like a
torrential downpour of pain
inflicted all by yourself

The enjambment should have been used after "Flawless". I think you mean "Of" not off, if not take out the "at" at the beginning. This stanza didn't do it for me either, it felt off at times.

and all myself is bleeding in -
I didn't mean to - I slipped and
fell into that realm

The enjambment was used superbly here. The first line is too much in the cliche side though. But all in all it made a nice mix into the piece.

Leave her alone
for the stone
she's tied to simply
won't let go
because she's stumbling

Again, nice use of enjambment. This felt epic and the little snippets of phrases really did this stanza great justice.

This becomes a defining moment in which there's
so much less to lose.

Nice sentence.

Slide the catheter inside the war
observe the drip and drain the blood
and return the missing peace
to where it was before

i couldn't decipher much from the last line; the metaphor here felt a little vague and the war reference made it the more cliche. This didn't do much for me.

That blue tattoo she's got around her neck
curled up into itself after it lured him in
He didn't see it until the dawn
when she removed his life
and calmly placed it
on the sidewalk
underneath the streetlight

This felt a little out of place to the rest of the piece. It almost feels like you've added a new character, which I'm still not sure of if you did or not. I don't know, this doesn't really feel like "the end" to me.


Overall it was a good read, compared to your other two pieces this was sub-par, but a great read nonetheless. I hope you'll be posting here more often.

Take care my Friend,

Fred.

PS: If you've the time can you please check out my latest piece called "Caribbean Dreamin'"- http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=955398, i would like to know your thoughts.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 14, 2008,
#6
Quote by spike_8bkp
I'm ambivalent on parts of this, as it was written all in the same timeframe and mindset, but there's something puzzling, so go off and find it in you, for you've been promptly

given light, I've given thought to light
let it pour like reverbed snares
saturate my ears
I didn't like this. It felt too disconnected, even though its a simile that we can all relate to. It just feels childish as well. This is just my personal opinion, I don't believe its a effective way to open something.

The mortar is crumbling
though the paint holds fast
and this assures most that
their dignity is still up for sale

at forty two percent off the
profits are falling flawlessly like a
torrential downpour of pain
inflicted all by yourself

and all myself is bleeding in -
I didn't mean to - I slipped and
fell into that realm
This last line feels bad. I think I will need to return to this, just in case I'm missing something, something that will make me look like a totally fool.

Leave her alone
for the stone
she's tied to simply
won't let go
because she's stumbling

This becomes a defining moment in which there's
so much less to lose.

Slide the catheter inside the war
observe the drip and drain the blood
and return the missing peace
to where it was before

That blue tattoo she's got around her neck
curled up into itself after it lured him in
He didn't see it until the dawn
when she removed his life
and calmly placed it
on the sidewalk
underneath the streetlight


Very nice ending.

Emm, like I said, I need to return tomorrow. I apologize for not saying a lot.
#7
well, since my last "crit" was fairly useless, i'd like to offer something on this one.

let me start off by saying, that you do not fail in perplexing simple thought.
i believe you make it a point to structure your pieces, more like reading the directions on how to get to a friends new apartment you haven't yet visited; or the new restaurant in town that everyone's talking about, so you flip on the tom-tom and decide to take a nice little trip.
so, here's: point A.
you will end at: point B-WEIKNDNED2346LSEL.

i didn't care for a lot of the middle. just felt like it was extra weight on the shoulders of a titan; which didn't make it necessarily detrimental, more or less an off-road detour that took a little longer to get to said destination.
loved the way it began, and i was mad when i got to the final stanza...simply because it ended.
but i guess that's how it had to end.
because that's the way you wrote it...which brings me to the conclusion:
keep writing. please.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
Love it, you olde lock you.

It's gorgeous.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#9
Thanks guys. I didn't like a lot of it either, in many of the places you guys pointed out. It started out as a freewrite, and, as otto put it simply, ends up somewhere past Emerald City. The structuring was done post-writing. I enjoy the last stanza, which, I think, is the only part that escapes the loops and question marks in red ink by yours truly here. While I might edit it, it will probably end up in the "for parts" section. That last part may stand alone. Thanks again.