#1
My mother is a kindergarten teacher, and it just occurred to me Thursday that they were not even born. They never will truly understand what it felt like to watch America, when we thought we were safe, under attack in way no one would've ever imagined. It has an almost country sound to it, b/c I grew up just a little while from Nashville... so all my ballads end up sounding that way... sigh... please critique and help me improve this, I really want it to be something I can share with my children one day.

Sitting in a classroom
Math, sixth grade
Couldn’t believe what I saw
As the tv played
Smoke, fire, and heat all around
I can still remember how it felt
When the towers came down

We were all afraid
And everybody prayed
That we would make it through the night
We were all cryin’
As our brothers and sisters were dyin’
All our voices cried out to God as one
September 11, 2001

We all sat there speechless
In class all day
I was scared to death when
I saw those planes
We were scared, worried, and mad
How were we supposed to love
With a world so full of bad

We were all afraid
And everybody prayed
That we would make it through the night
We were all cryin’
As our brothers and sisters were dyin’
All our voices cried out to God as one
September 11, 2001

I’ll never forget it son
September 11, 2001
Gear:
Agile PRS Copy w/ floyd PS-970
Agile TC-730
Gibson SG faded
PODx3 live
B-52 AT-112
Modtones Dynodrive
Boss RC-2
Last edited by blues_powered at Sep 13, 2008,
#2
slightly repetitive but that probably helps the song overall. I like the song lyrics and idea behind it. It couldn't hurt to do a few more verses though
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#3
yea a couple more verses would make it better i think
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#4
i'm not a big country fan, but i can definitely picture the sound you were going for.
and TBH, i like it.
alot.
especially the verses.
hard to believe that was 8 years ago.
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#5
Yeah I know it seems like yesterday. I was thinking about 2 more verses. This idea just popped in my head this morning so it's a work in progress. Is 2 more verses and a true bridge too long?
Gear:
Agile PRS Copy w/ floyd PS-970
Agile TC-730
Gibson SG faded
PODx3 live
B-52 AT-112
Modtones Dynodrive
Boss RC-2
#6
Quote by blues_powered
Yeah I know it seems like yesterday. I was thinking about 2 more verses. This idea just popped in my head this morning so it's a work in progress. Is 2 more verses and a true bridge too long?


nah, that should be fine
Quote by RevaM1ssP1ss
Wiggy = legend.

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#10
A punk sound... Yeah I see it... and it suits my voice and playing style a little better... Punk and country were my two biggest influences growing up even though now I listen to mostly metal.
Gear:
Agile PRS Copy w/ floyd PS-970
Agile TC-730
Gibson SG faded
PODx3 live
B-52 AT-112
Modtones Dynodrive
Boss RC-2
#12
Honestly I think you should take a different approach to this song. This topic is extremely overdone, especially with a country-vibe, so you need to make your song different and standout. Because as is, I'm willing to bet there are hundreds of songs out there that have extremely similar lyrics to yours. I like the lyrics and it seems you have a good sense for descriptive writing, all you gotta do now is take it a step further and not be set on using the first rhyme or line that comes to your mind. You know what I'm gettin at?
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#13
Honestly, this one doesn't have to be extremely original... It's not really a song to break into the writing scene... More of a way to reflect with my friends and family
Gear:
Agile PRS Copy w/ floyd PS-970
Agile TC-730
Gibson SG faded
PODx3 live
B-52 AT-112
Modtones Dynodrive
Boss RC-2
#14
TS, you seem to be a good writer - I would definately like to see some other stuff of yours.
HOWEVER... I have heard about a bajillion-quadrillion-infinityplusone songs along these loines, and I really don't want to hear another. ESPECIALLY not one with any trace of country attatched to it. At least try to get another angle on it. You do have potential, though, and I'm sure your children would love to hear it. (they hopefully will not have been subjected to hordes of sappy country songs)
#15
Oh trust me, my girlfriend and I have already determined our kids will be raised on Clapton and Pink Floyd lol. If you guys really like this I'll post more of my stuff(keeping with the rules of course). Most of my stuff is more surreal/alternative/progressive... and my ballads sound like country... grr... if anyone can help me with that PLEASE PM me.
Gear:
Agile PRS Copy w/ floyd PS-970
Agile TC-730
Gibson SG faded
PODx3 live
B-52 AT-112
Modtones Dynodrive
Boss RC-2
#17
Quote by blues_powered


Sitting in a classroom
Math, sixth grade
Couldn’t believe what I saw
As the tv played
Smoke, fire, and heat all around
I can still remember how it felt
When the towers came down

This is a good start - obvious, but good. You could name this song Tuna Sandwich but by the last line we're all nodding our heads

We were all afraid
And everybody prayed
That we would make it through the night
We were all cryin’
As our brothers and sisters were dyin’
All our voices cried out to God as one
September 11, 2001

We all sat there speechless
In class all day
I was scared to death when
I saw those planes
We were scared, worried, and mad
How were we supposed to love
With world so full of bad

I assume you were scared now that you've told me twice. Also, the last line bothers me - it sounds like you're still in sixth grade

We were all afraid
And everybody prayed
That we would make it through the night
We were all cryin’
As our brothers and sisters were dyin’
All our voices cried out to God as one
September 11, 2001

I’ll never forget it son
September 11, 2001


All in all, I like it. I was well out of sixth grade in '01 - a perspective from a 12-year-old is probably not something many adults without kids could imagine. Stay with that direction and this separates itself from the many others. Good work....
#18
What do you guys think about changing the scared in the fifth line of the second verse to shaking?
Gear:
Agile PRS Copy w/ floyd PS-970
Agile TC-730
Gibson SG faded
PODx3 live
B-52 AT-112
Modtones Dynodrive
Boss RC-2
#19
Quote by blues_powered
What do you guys think about changing the scared in the fifth line of the second verse to shaking?


make it "shaken"
you'll probably need to change the rest of the line, too.
or maybe not
it's your song.