#1
Sure, he never had many friends,
but that boy sure could eat some peanut butter.
All the time, and on everything;
toast, taters, meat... even on his cereal.
So one day I asked 'im, Hey Charley
how come you like that peanut butter so much?
He told me 'cos it tasted good.

Well, how 'bout an adventure then, why not try some jelly with it?

"Nope", he said
and went back to his sandwich.

He kept on eating away the years,
never talking much-
his mouth was always too dry.
His family got tired of him, moved away,
his dog ran off to live with some nearby couple,
and all the while he just grew fatter and fatter.
Then one day I went over to check up on him
(me and his Dad were old buddies,
he'd asked me to keep an eye on the kid)
and found him on the kitchen floor,
one hand clutching his unmoving chest,
the other still holding a half-empty jar of Skippy.


Sure, Charley never had much in this world,
but he loved his peanut butter.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Sep 13, 2008,
#2
Ha.


That made me chuckle. This is not your best writing though. It's far from the worst(which from what i've seen is pretty damn good) it's just another decent poem. I think the whole idea you're working with is too cynical to be taken seriously. Hell, I know from the moment I read those first few lines I was into something humorous. And it was. I'm not saying that's bad, you know? just don't expect to be told it's brilliant(though maybe it's just me )


I enjoyed it while it lasted just like Charley enjoyed his peanut butter. Btw, you used colloquialisms well. The voice of the narrator is very effective.
#3
I assume you aren't trying to make some profound statement about life here.
This is as funny as hell- the kind of thing jackasses (such as myself) put on bus windows. lol

edit: after reading it again, it does look like it has some meaning. I guess I just couldn't get the image of this kid out of my head. Well done.
#4
What do I get from this? Nothinngggg. I honestly didn't understand what you were going for; a little humor isn't enough to be the basis for a whole poem.

Won't stop me reading you though.
#5
I thought this was pretty funny/poignant/sad my self. The image of a boy growing up all his life and, as we learn in the final line, replacing everything worthwhile with a jar of peanut butter (presumably not really of his own choice).


Make it seem less like the kid was just wanted peanut butter earlier on? A lot of the weight of the poem seems to lie entirely in the last line, making it seem a bit shallow until then. That works sometimes, but I, personally, don't think it worked here.

if i'm way off = ignore

(do peopel really asy 'taters'? lol )
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#6
This was great. Sometimes the flow was a bit weird, like when it ran in to the last stanza, but I liked the content quite a bit. Twas a great story, ya know, great meaning how I interpreted it.

It has also made me want a peanut butter sandwich with a glass of milk.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#7
Quote by samoo
a little humor isn't enough to be the basis for a whole poem.
yes it is

i loved it
#8
I don't think that a little humor was the basis of the whole poem.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#9
Neither did I and on the point of humour I've based lots of my poems on crappy humour, I just didn't click with this poem. It was well written but it seemed like nothing great to me. Nothing that would stick on with me in my head.
#10
I'm glad some of you enjoyed it for the humor, though that's really not what it was about (I wasn't even trying to make it funny when I wrote it, guess it just turned out that way). Perhaps there wasn't enough context. I like leaving things open to interpretation, but I will say it's about a rising percentage of U.S. children and ambition (or lack there of). If you want more just PM me.

Thank you guys very much for taking the time to look at this. I think I've gotten to most of you, but if I haven't yet or I owe you just let me know (yes, I'm looking at you Alex, your new one is going down).

Stu - In some parts of the U.S. they do (mainly in the South). I live on the East coast, but try to call them that whenever possible, hoping it might catch on eventually
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#11
I shouldn't laugh, we call them tatties
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#12
I agree, I enjoyed the humour. It felt absurd almost most of the time but yet you sort of feel for Charley. The addiction almost links with some kind of trauma that was never iterated in this piece. Although the reader is never left sure of what the trauma actually was it felt hopeful and compassionate. I don't agree with Samoo, his whole pseudo-gangsta stereotype isn't doing him much, at all! Anyways, I enjoyed this piece very much and the humour was impressive.

If you've time, please check out my latest piece- "Caribbean Dreamin'"- http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=955398 . Thanks
#13
I laughed my ass at this! Just my kind of humour; stark, ironic, sarcastic, dark and brutal.

It was so awesome to read something new from you Jake as well. Nothing else to add I'm afraid, just thought I'd say something on this excellent piece.
#14
someone's definitely branching out;
this was a good read.

i have to say(wish i could say more, i haven't been online for a few days, and it looks like most of the bases have already been covered), not your best, but definitely worth reading, imo.
so yeah.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#15
i think you shouldnt say he didnt have much in this world. even though it was suppose to be funny it made me feel bad for him cuz all he ****ing has is peanut butter.

Edit: also i would take this out: and all the while he just grew fatter and fatter.
#16
This is the type of thing I try to write often. A cynical look at a topic, with a strange sense of hopelessness and humor. I get the same comments from Sam that you did .

I loved it. Humor is enough to be the entire basis of a poem. Not every poem needs to be profound... sometimes its better to giggle at a piece of writing than to try to find a way to let it change your world. This was great and a good change of pace for you. I love how versatile you are.

A read/comment on "the bangles" appreciated but by no means required.

-zC
#17
i liked it, it makes me think of peoples habits that ruin their lives, the habits are something as simple as peanut butter.