#1
c4c, I'd really appreciate some help here. This poem/song fits with a series I've written. I'm going to try to remember how this goes.

The Reckoning

Hurtling past closed doors unseen
I waken from the darkest dream
of demons walking in loose skins
stolen from the Son of Men

The darkest void inside the night
will shed a pitiless white light
on things of nature yet unnamed
insomniacs whom no god claims

Earth's bright blood
ankle deep
Trenches of fire
embers leap

Beasts of burden trudge along
shining Prophets, siren songs
lure the sleeping from their rest
the Watcher's wards soon near the crest

Craters loom, claxons call
the Cloaked One passes over all
mammoth hooves split the ground apart
and draw forth the burning, bleeding hearts

Earth's bright blood
ankle deep
trenches of fire
embers leap

The cruelest blades flash white and seek
the hidden blood-ways of the deep
Death's eyes grin, the cattle brays
hope is lost in the arterial spray

The Watcher's wards turn tail and flee
to the blasted mysteries
the candle's glare and circle bright
we pray will see them through the night

Earth's bright blood
ankle deep
trenches of fire
embers leap
Last edited by Darksucker at Sep 13, 2008,
#2
Quote by Darksucker
c4c, I'd really appreciate some help here. This poem/song fits with a series I've written. I'm going to try to remember how this goes.

The Reckoning

Hurtling past closed doors unseen I love this verse.
I waken from the darkest dream
of demons walking in loose skins <-- love this part
stolen from the Son of Men


The darkest void inside the night
will shed a pitiless white light<--- doesn't really go with with me. I don't get it?
on things of nature yet unnamed
insomniacs whom no god claims
Great verse.

The dead Earth's blood I would put in "Earth's faded blood"
ankle deep
Trenches of fire
over leap
I don't like the chorus.

Beasts of burden trudge along
shining Prophets, siren songs
lure the sleeping from their rest
the Watcher's wards soon near the crest

Craters loom, claxons call
the Cloaked One passes over all
mammoth hooves split the ground apart
and draw forth the burning, bleeding hearts <-- kinda sounds corny in some ways.

The dead Earth's blood
ankle deep
trenches of fire
over leap


The cruelest blades flash white and seek
the hidden blood-ways of the deep bleeds a leak maybe?
Death's eyes grin, the cattle brays where the cattle stay
hope is lost in the arterial spray

The Watcher's wards turn tail and flee
to the blasted mysteries
the candle's glare and circle bright
we pray will see them through the night

The dead Earth's blood
ankle deep
trenches of fire
over leap


I liked the song but just not a fan of the Chorus. I think with a few touch ups the lyrics would be great.
#3
It seems as if you're going all for imagery here, and no real meaning. There were some nice ideas, but they never really amounted to anything, or vaguely at best. There's nothing much I can say about it beyond that.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Quote by Billyjson
It seems as if you're going all for imagery here, and no real meaning. There were some nice ideas, but they never really amounted to anything, or vaguely at best. There's nothing much I can say about it beyond that.


Mmmmmmmm.... maybe you're not seeing the forest for the trees

Edit: I don't want to double post - Calm the **** down, dude. I added a smiley, don't take everything so seriously, okay? Thnx for the bump, though.
Last edited by Darksucker at Sep 13, 2008,
#5
Perhaps, perhaps not. As a writer though you should begin by examining yourself, rather than the person giving the critique. I may be the most ignorant bastard in the world, or I may be very well-learned and have great comprehension. You have no way of knowing. What I'm telling you is that, regardless of which situation is true (and I don't consider myself to be the former) I found this lacking any concrete idea. If you want me to pick it apart line by line and tell you why, as a whole, it does nothing for me, I will. Or you can just keep in mind that there's at least one person who finds it less meaningful than you might have been going for, and you can know that I only say it in your best interest as a poet and/or lyricist.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Out of curiosity, do you read Robert Jordan? I'm sensing some kind of fantasy influence here, and I'm interested to hear your inspiration for writing. As for Billyj's critique, he correctly assesses the reasons you should consider what he says in his 2nd post. On the other hand, I think his first critique is only really negative if you're going for poetry with a meaning. Listen to 90% of metal songs (this sounds metal/opera metal to me), the imagery, flow, and semblance of a story are crucial. Deeper meaning, not so much. I think you achieved those 3 things I mentioned.

Billy says that you have no way of knowing your critic, which is certainly the way you should approach it initially. Upon deeper reflection however, you'll note that his own work is extremely heavy on poetry and bereft of song-writing. So what he is looking for in the piece may not be what you are even attempting to bring to the table. Don't consider your source...but kind of consider your source. On that subject, I've found it to be a fine line when soliticiting crits. On one hand, I try to crit pieces with similar genres and styles, so I get opinions that are more relevant to me. On the other, you don't want a bunch of yes-men who love your style because it's like theirs.

So, take the crit to heart and consider whether you think his points are valid. But don't be afraid to reject it if you don't. Probably best not to reject it on the thread though. I see WAY too many people, who after receiving a negative crit, dismiss the critic as unable to understand, without really giving a reason. Hope this all helps. And you've already critted mine so I don't expect a return.