#1
free flowing like a damsel's dress.
cascading down
like a waterfall of hair.
falling further.
falling
faster.
drifting
into an ocean of hands.
tearing at seams.
there's nothing left.
there'll never be enough.
#2
I'm a little confused. Are you talking about rape or dying? Also, its good but it could be a little longer and clearer about what you're trying to get across. That aside, its pretty well written, just a little vague. Crit mine? Its in my sig. Thnks
#3
I love it. Yeah, it's vauge, but that's what makes it great! Dreamlike, surreal. I would be interested in seeing a longer work like this, perhaps one with a storyline.
#4
thanks for the comments. i'll be sure to get to yours soon.
i wanted it to be quite simple, yet to conjure up a strong image.
i may add to it, or just try and change it if i feel it's too vague make any impression.
#5
I'm not sure who Damsel is but this only felt like a piece of a puzzle. This piece was too short for me to connect much with the closing sentence but the surreal landscape in this piece was nice and refreshing. The previous three lines were quite exceptional, it's quite overwhelming.

I can't say much more about this piece but it was nice and it had good flow.

Hmm... thank you for the read.

If you've time can you please check out "Caribbean Dreamin'"?
#6
This reminded me of a very famous folk song here in Israel. It tells of a girl that talks about nature and how beautiful it is, on its flora and fauna, it has a waltz beat to it as well and it seems very cheerful until it comes to the chorus where she says how there are laws that protect certain plants and flowers and there are laws against hunting animals, but there are no laws that protect her and her heart, and that she might have been better off being just a flower.

I thought it was beautiful and I connected on so many different levels.
This is not a pipe
#8
This was wonderful.
I've read some really bad short pieces and very few good ones. This is the latter, by far.

EDIT: if this is your quicky comp piece we're all screwed
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#10
awww thanks guys
i may re-use the idea or try to expand the piece into something else, but that would have to be a different piece altogether.
because i kinda like it the way it is, and i imagine if i were to change/add anything to the piece i'd only spoil it with my butcher hands.
thanks again to you all. i appreciate the feedback very much.
#11
Quote by sleep sickness
awww thanks guys
i may re-use the idea or try to expand the piece into something else, but that would have to be a different piece altogether.
because i kinda like it the way it is, and i imagine if i were to change/add anything to the piece i'd only spoil it with my butcher hands.
thanks again to you all. i appreciate the feedback very much.


If it helps, I think it works perfectly as it is and would hate for you to expand on it.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!