#1
Inspired by a great BB King lyric I heard in the car today, wrote it in the back of the car, typed it up here and I thought i'd put something up before I move out (tommorow) so... anything goes


I know the price of everything (and the value too).

Writing bargain-short notes for family members
with platinum pens and scented papers
leather-bound books with tedious letters
ten long lists from vendors and debtors

can't wait until the giving time
the death of the year, the generous cusp
for familial joy and familiar wine
like Indiana Jones and his wooden cups

i'll be digging my grave with a silver spade.
dirt filigrees. fine painted wood
shower my death with the stuff of our lord:
Perfume and gold and all of that stuff

I'll go content and full of thoughts
that count and all I need is one
little incentive, one little reward:
To be digging my grave with a silver spade
and lay down my coffin with golden chains.
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#2
I know the price of everything (and the value too).

Writing bargain-short notes for family members,
gold plated pen and scented paper.
Rubbing salts and sniffing gold,
getting long letters from vendors and debtors. Good setup, good flow

but it's not in the flash
the dash and the cash
mish-mash of ash
and sooty ideals just looking at the last words of the lines it sounds forced, but the words in front of them make it work

everyone knows in their
hat and their shoes
price doesn't matter
it's value that shows Very true. Solid stanza

it's our thoughts that count
the world around
the world around
joy unbound... Solid, nothing special, though

but i'll be digging my grave with a silver spade.
dirt filigrees. fine painted wood
shower my death with the stuff of our lord:
Perfume and gold and all of that stuff Excellent. Catchy, poignant, probably my favorite stanza

I'll go contented and full of thoughts
that count (out cheques) and It's probably just my ignorance, but do you mean "eschew?"
all I need is one reward:

To be digging my grave with a silver spade
(and, thanks, lay down my coffin with golden chains.) great ending

Keep it up, man! c4c?
__________________
#3
There were a few things I really enjoyed in this, and a few things I absolutely hated (mainly just the second stanza).

shower my death with the stuff of our lord:
Perfume and gold and all of that stuff

That was my favorite part, solely based on the tone. If the rest had the same focus and clarity in ideals as this, I would say this was one hell of a piece. Right now though, the intro was a bit boring, the second stanza had far too many rhymes and not enough solid content, and it really doesn't seem to dig into the meat of the matter until the last three stanzas. The ending was good, but I'll just say it would feel much rightlier if you got rid of the 'thanks'.

This piece has potential, I just think - as you explanation indicates - you were a bit rushed in posting it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
The poem is supposed to start off, in the first paragraph, simply being very obsessed with objects. Then move into the middle stanzas pointedly talking about the opposite, and then end up back with objects in the final stanzas, I was honestly just stuck when trying to think of the kind of objecs that would work.

yah second stanzas just silly, that can go.

Anyway, i think i'll work on this one instead of just leaving it. returning crits today
On vacation from modding = don't pm me with your pish
#5
I completely agree that you should keep working on this.

I was a little tired last night.
Reading the first stanza again, I enjoyed it.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
The first verse felt very uncontrolled. I can see that you are supposed to set the tone by listing out items that people are obsessed with, but the disgruntled way its laid out feels uncomfortable, when really it should be very neat and particular - emphasising the pristine nature of these objects and their fans.

I'm not personally overly adverse to the second verse, as Jake was, but its not great either.

Your verse breaks between three and four are poor in my eyes. They seem so flat, boring transparant, only because of its insecure layout.

The remainder of this piece is quite awesome.

Digitally Clean
#7
the third stanza seemed extremely forced, is what hit me immediately. is this really a poem? as a song, i'd say this is an almost flawless piece of writing. anything slightly forced would presumably be eliminated through the addition of melody and the rhythmic flow is enough to sustain interest.

as a poem, i don't really think this works. you had some lovely imagery - "dirt filigrees. fine painted wood" etc. but it was broken by just... a terrible predictability that works in a song and not in a poem. that's it, i think.

oh, and i thought the use of brackets in stanza 6 was great (though i would do, wouldn't i?)
Last edited by skagitup at Sep 15, 2008,