#1
Its been god knows how long since I've written a new song, so I might have lost some technique but I think its pretty good. C4C Hope you like it.
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Black Butterflies
Soft Old Lullabies
Sleep To The Sound
Head On The Ground

Black Butterflies
Deep In A Child’s Eyes
Innocent And Free
Forsaken Like Me

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Walk Away

Black Butterflies
Sleep In Their Web Of Lies
Oblivious To The Noise
Just A Little Boy

Cover Your Ears
So Now You Can’t Hear
Cover Your Eyes
Pretend You’re Not Here

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Walk Away

Black Butterflies
Forsaken And Alone
Flap Your Wings
And Fly Away

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Fly Away
#2
Not bad, not bad...

The rhyme scheme is overly simplistic, the song title is cliche....

Black Butterflies
Soft Old Lullabies
Sleep To The Sound
Head On The Ground forced

Black Butterflies
Deep In A Child’s Eyes
Innocent And Free
Forsaken Like Me effective, but cliche

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Walk Away okay, but I am tired of choruses spamming "again"

Black Butterflies
Sleep In Their Web Of Lies
Oblivious To The Noise
Just A Little Boy find a different rhyme scheme, the couplets are dragging you down

Cover Your Ears
So Now You Can’t Hear
Cover Your Eyes
Pretend You’re Not Here pretty good

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Walk Away

Black Butterflies
Forsaken And Alone
Flap Your Wings
And Fly Away cliche, but not bad

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Fly Away
__________________

Looking over this it looks like I'm bombing on you, but don't take it that way. It's not great, but neither is it terrible. Upper-mediocre, perhaps. I know how it is to be getting your feet wet again, though.

c4c?
#3
Quote by Take This Life
Its been god knows how long since I've written a new song, so I might have lost some technique but I think its pretty good. C4C Hope you like it.
________________________________________________________________


Black Butterflies
Soft Old Lullabies
Sleep To The Sound
Head On The Ground Ok, what's with the capitalization? Capitalizing every word in the whole piece makes it awkward to read. Really. Beyond that, I love this first verse more than anything else in your song. I dunno your genre, but this would be perfect for dark, ambient acoustic electronica

Black Butterflies
Deep In A Child’s Eyes
Innocent And Free
Forsaken Like Me First 7 lines of this piece: great. 8th line: what? If the butterflies are innocent and free, they're not really forsaken. A strange line all around

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again Alright, I really liked your song but now we're dipping into a chorus theme that has been done ad nauseum. I see a virtually identical chorus 3 times a day on this board. Beyond that, this was not foreshadowed at all by the verses except perhaps the 8th line (the one I didn't like)
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Walk Away 'walk away' doesn't really have much connection to the black butterflies imagery

Black Butterflies
Sleep In Their Web Of Lies
Oblivious To The Noise Both the 2nd and 3rd line are a word too long. I love the imagery of the 3rd and 4th lines, but 'oblivious' is too wordy for this tone/flow
Just A Little Boy

Cover Your Ears
So Now You Can’t Hear
Cover Your Eyes
Pretend You’re Not Here The only verse not to start with Black Butterflies, but I'm not sure it really adds anything to justify being different

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Walk Away

Black Butterflies
Forsaken And Alone
Flap Your Wings
And Fly Away not as much imagery in this verse and suddenly the rhyme scheme disappears

Walk Away
And Leave Me Again
Like So Many Times Before
What’s Once More?
Leave Me Again
Fly Away
Well I think all I have to say are in the comments. I don't know if you know the genre I'm referring to, but something like THIS . That's the kind of song these lyrics would be great for...with some tweaking. I've criticized people for writing meaningless songs, but now I'll criticize you for trying to make yours meaningful . It starts with great flow, unique imagery, and a lyrical beauty to it. Sometimes, that's really enough in a song. My advice: don't bother trying to make it personal, or a story, or meaningful. Write a beautiful song that would compliment some good instrumental music, and this will be a better song for it.

c4c appreciated, link to my newest 'Of Felons and Fathers' in my signature.
#4
Good idea - but you should have stuck with the first verse.

Your structure quickly fades away, and that's when reading a song's lyrics becomes like reading a young child's essay.

It is a bit cliche, but a synonym for cliche is tried and true.
Stick with that - don't mix it up every verse, or you end up with a muddled-up song.