#1
bluebirds
flutter over foothills
(the culmination of life and so forth)
where streams trickle off
into the mediterranean
and form glorious oceans
that conquer the world

oh the oceans,
how they stir,
how the forests used to ripple when
the orchids were in full bloom.
now as they r still before you
and you, still before a flickering tv

(how i used to watch You
oh christ
where did You go sweetheart)


...it went on that way for so many years,
each month becoming a mesh of words
that never quite hit the right shot of air -
never quite vibrate beautifully enough to
leave men confused in the rain.

baby
now i just can't help but think of the old country,
of the olive-skinned girls working in the vinyard,
before the sun.
of nights in the gardens eating fresh
tomatoes, mozarella. fine wines.
watching the horizon and the mountains.
talking, laughing. up till noon.
the foothills of the amour trois
(so black against the rising moon).
Last edited by skagitup at Oct 6, 2010,
#2
I didn't like about this was the specfic references to people, they didn't click with me.

'and it goes on that way for several years,
each month becoming a mesh of words
that never quite hit the right shot of air -
never quite vibrate beautifully enough to
leave men confused in the rain.

can't help but think of the old country,
of the olive-skinned girls working in the vinyard,
before the sun.
of nights in the gardens eating fresh
tomatoes, mozarella. fine wines.
watching the horizon and the mountains.
talking, laughing. up till noon.
the foothills of the amour trois
(black against the rising moon).'

Both those paragraphs were great. 'black against the rising moon' is a beautful last line.

'(the culmination of life and so forth)' was completely fitting

_________________

I dont think 'increasingly' is particularly needed

'the economy
it's crashing'

I think you could find something better than this example, something that ties in better with the state of the world, in relation to the desire for the supernatural or lack of the old beliefs, whatever.

'four horsemen in a saloon, ordering
straight whiskey - barman slides shots
down towards them.'

The only reason I don't like this is that I feel it's a bit crow-barred in for the reference to the four horsemen: For me, this poem is specfically about NOW, not 100 years ago. I know that you still get saloons and horsemen but... it instantly makes me (and i'm sure I won't be alone) think of every cowboy movie i've ever seen, and that takes me back to when the kind of things you're talking about weren't an issue. the words themselves are good though.

The last stanza were you think about the past works perfectly though, as that's simple recollection.

I thought this was great at beginning and end and lost its way a bit in the middle.
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#3
Only part I didn't thoroughly enjoy was the second stanza. First of all, hated the use of 'etc.' in this one, just doesn't read right. Also, the third line seems to be in regards to the first two, instead of the last; you may have meant it to be both, but if that's the case the fourth line still seems to just be hanging out alone.

Beyond and before that it was great. Absolutely loved the last two stanzas.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#4
Quote by skagitup
bluebirds
flutter over foothills
(the culmination of life and so forth)
where streams trickle off
into the mediterranean
and form glorious oceans
that conquer the world

I love the gracefulness and yet bitterness that this opening stanza illustrates. This was refreshing and gave a very good tone, to the readers, to what this piece is all about or has to offer.

the economy
it's crashing
an increasingly secularised world resists
the incessant tug of sacred texts
etc.

This a warm feeling, into the table; almost contrasting the previous stanza. I thought the antithesis really uprooted this piece into higher levels.

the oceans stir,
the forests ripple,
the orchids are in bloom.

"heh. the wild west"

The quotations felt out-of-place but probably there's a statement in here, i can't decipher.

four horsemen in a saloon, ordering
straight whiskey - barman slides shots
down towards them.

I appreciate the alteration of atmosphere from the previous few stanzas. Here, everywhere felt careless and deranged to what's going on.

and dennett says to dawkins
"they play the 'i'm offended' card too often"
and dawkins says to dennett
"we should play it too"

This is very Dylan-esque with the disoriented narrative that you used here. I don't quite understand the reference here, though.

and it goes on that way for several years,
each month becoming a mesh of words
that never quite hit the right shot of air -
never quite vibrate beautifully enough to
leave men confused in the rain.

This brought everything back into the right track. This seemed sentimental and apprehensive; it's nice to see these in the mix

can't help but think of the old country,
of the olive-skinned girls working in the vinyard, (you forgot the "e")
before the sun.
of nights in the gardens eating fresh
tomatoes, mozarella. fine wines.
watching the horizon and the mountains.
talking, laughing. up till noon.
the foothills of the amour trois
(black against the rising moon).

A Fantastic revelation to the piece.


Overall I thought this was fantastic and very, very well written. This was a very enjoyable read.

PS: If you've time can you please comment on my latest piece, "Caribbean Dreamin'"-http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=955398? Thanks.
#5
really useful comments. thanks indeed. i'll return each crit, but only bleed_ left a specific piece link. if either of you want anything in particular looked at drop me a profile comment (otherwise i'll just keep an eye out for your next pieces)

anyway. couple of things.

i agree about "increasingly" but i just didn't like the sound of "a secularised" - it's a bit hard on the mouth. i'll think about that.

four horsemen was a reference to "the four horsemen" or the four most famed atheists (dawkins, dennett, harris, hitchens - link). i don't know what appealed to me about the whole cowboy analogy, i just thought that their status as kind of "outlaws" and the stereotypes of movie cowboys worked well with the four of them. i was also hoping it would add that kind of distance from that world, the world of religious debate, as opposed to the kind of peaceful land that's described in the opening and closing stanzas. the 'garden of eden' type descriptions of a world in agreement - kind of diametrically opposed to the wild west, so i thought it might do. it didn't work as well as i'd hoped (as usual!).

thanks again
#6
I think this lost itself a bit skipping back and forth from particular references to memory/stories. Each part was lovely but didn't feel very fitting with the others.

I also *prepare for shock* really don't like the use of etc. in almost anything 'poetic'. Sometimes it works, and I think I've seen you use it to work before, but here... God no. It annoyed me a fair bit.
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#7
I personally didn't feel anything intense at all from this. It felt a little like a string of descriptions accumulated into one.
I didn't enjoy reading the second and second last verse.
I found the majority of this seemed to meander away for a while and then return and still expected the reader to be keenly interested, which I wasn't.
Saying that, apart from a few iffy lines and verses, I can't say I dislike any of this, but thats the problem, each verse didn't have any discernible qualities that would happily interlink with the preceding or following stanzas. They just kind were, dull.
Being honest, I have seen more emotion and attainable pieces from you.

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