#1
This is wrote in a very perculiar way so be aware. The title has been altered, its a joke that I hope Zach doesn't take the wrong way. This has turned out to be a piece that I used to love and I now hate due to its inconsistency. Blah, no more comments.

This is a Social Commentary

The grass, sharp like sickles in the sand,
hands of razor blades
driving misguided pain into my bare skin.
How can I concentrate on her lips
when so much alcohol has drained me?
How can I act like a man when
so many women are just like errant angels,
their thighs open, barely open to see?
Should I really deny their bitter drink,
demons with bad appetites?
What lends me the right to call them such when
I am the one beneath them,
feeling their undertow gathering,
grasping for air amongst the tongues?

My lungs begin to implode like
starry nights without a sky.
Will they ever stop?
I have the power...

I must remind myself before I sink deeper,
the soggy load of our weight
dragging even the breeze down to my
sodden from the sobbing knees,
that I, yes I
am the one who can gravely sit up and say
no...
- now I'm turning into a sexually transmitted disease advert,
one that is both allies of criticize and advertise,
no adversary's but their own petty regret -

I say, no no no


But who am I to judge?
I'm just the demon with two girls at his hips.




This is a poem I wrote a long time ago about a certain incident I was involved in that was not as awesome as people conceived it as. Being drunk didn't help my feelings of insecurity either. There is no real hidden meaning inside, its just about how easily misconceived people can be because of the way society portrays certain topics and scenarios.

Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 15, 2008,
#2
This is wrote in a very perculiar way so be aware. Any help to improve the overall tone and the words used will be greatly appreciated.

Demon Threesome

The grass, sharp like sickles in the sand,
hands of razor blades, Gillette, of course,
driving misguided pain into my bare skin.
How can I concentrate on her lips
when so much alcohol has drained me?
How can I act like a man when
so many women are just like errant angels,
their thighs open, barely open to see?
Should I really deny their bitter drink,
demons with bad appetites?
What lends me the right to call them such when
I am the one beneath them,
feeling their undertow gathering,
grasping for air amongst the tongues?

Although at times I thought this opening stanza would turn out into a piece of unoriginality, you really made everything seem refreshing. I loved some of the metaphors that you used especially "Errant Angels". You turned something that would have been looked down upon into something that's high in complexity.

Maybe thats the point?
Maybe we're all demons?

My lungs begin to implode like
starry nights without a God.
Will they ever stop?
I have the power...

... I really have seen too many Gillette ads.

The last line seemed random or at least out of place but everything else worked superbly. You used the same formula as the previous stanza and that common thread really did wonders here.

I must remind myself before I sink deeper,
the soggy load of our weight
dragging even the breeze down to my
sodden from the sobbing knees,
that I, yes I
am the one who can gravely sit up and say
no...
- now I'm turning into a sexually transmitted disease advert,
one that is both allies of criticize and advertise,
no adversary's but their own petty regret -

This stanza felt over-done. "I'm turning into a STD advert" was a downer. I think you slowly lost the momentum after previous line before this stanza, I'm not sure. You lost that spark that helped you so well with the first two stanzas; things are starting to become quite cliche here.

I say, no no no


But who am I to judge?
I'm just a demon with two girls at his hips.

I think you should replace the "A" to a "The".






Overall you had some wonderful moments but then it started to crumble down right at the final moments. But still, this was a very good piece.


Peace.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 14, 2008,
#3
Right away I hated the use of an actual brand; identifying the razors as Gillette did nothing, because that wasn't the focus of this piece. Perhaps in a piece addressing product placement, a monopoly, etc. it would make more of a statement, but as is it just distracts from your actual point. Then later you use it to break away from the piece again with it out of nowhere, kinda irked me. There also seems to be a word missing after 'my' in dragging even the breeze down to my/sodden from the sobbing knees which is the reason it didn't strike me as much as it could.

Aside from that this had a lot of the great imagery that I've missed reading from you. Interesting view on a typically more pedestaled idea.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#5
Quote by AngryGoldfish


Demon Threesome

The grass, sharp like sickles in the sand,
hands of razor blades, Gillette, of course,
I would cut the "Gillette, of course" since the point was to focus on the razors...
driving misguided pain into my bare skin.
How can I concentrate on her lips
when so much alcohol has drained me?
How can I act like a man when
so many women are just like errant angels,
their thighs open, barely open to see?
These two questions are brilliant !
Should I really deny their bitter drink,
demons with bad appetites?
What lends me the right to call them such when
I am the one beneath them,
feeling their undertow gathering,
grasping for air amongst the tongues?
I like the tone of this...

Maybe thats the point?
Maybe we're all demons?

My lungs begin to implode like
starry nights without a God.
Will they ever stop?
I have the power...

... I really have seen too many Gillette ads.
Again with the Gillettes... does in have any relevance to the piece ?

I must remind myself before I sink deeper,
the soggy load of our weight
dragging even the breeze down to my
sodden from the sobbing knees,
that I, yes I
am the one who can gravely sit up and say
no...
- now I'm turning into a sexually transmitted disease advert,
one that is both allies of criticize and advertise,
no adversary's but their own petty regret -
Simply amazing stanza !

I say, no no no


But who am I to judge?
I'm just a demon with two girls at his hips.
A so-so ending to a piece with more higs than lows



The two biggest stanzas made it all worth, witly written and with nice imagery and wordplay. Everything else seemed kind of dismissable. Nonetheless, it's a nice work but I feel it lacks balance.
#6
This was ok.

Here are my points to make:

1) Change the damn title. Don't feed me the entire story in two words and then expect me to stay interested all the way through. You cheapened the piece way too much with that.

2) Lose the gillete aside. random asides have a time and a place... and can be used wonderfully... this was not. It just broke a weak chain of thought. Well, not weak... but we were having to dig in to really follow what you were going for due to layered metaphors.

3) Lose the "what's the point" stanza. Another aside... if you can work it in in a way that doesn't cut of a seemingly intense set of lines and what not, and still be philosophical without pulling us out and slapping us with a socrates fish, that would be good. I mean, lets be honest, jumping from female undertow to socrates is abrupt, and kills the mood. Like looking out your window mid-hump and finding your elementary school gym teacher staring through the window.


3) Lose the "without a God." To mention that huge of a thing in a single line and then dismiss it doesn't do a whole lot for you. You can find a better image that doesn't bring morality in this and simply leaves it as self-inspection and comparing oneself to a demon. I see the connection, but to bring GOD into it instead of just a demon is really opening a whole new can of worms.


This could have a whole lot of impact as a social commentary, but it felt like when you were writing this you got a bit lost inside your own ideas. Like you just kept introducing new analogies and sometimes forgot to close others. As it stands, it feels just shy of being worth re-reading in a week. Just feels like it needs some editing.

-zC

EDIT: thoughts on "the bangles" appreciated but by no means required.
#7
after reading the first stanza, i kind of "he he ho ho" 'd at how good i thought it was. but when i read it without 'gillette' it lost that reaction for me. For me, including gillette brought it back to earth, to an apartment in front of the mirror shaving and getting ready to go out. made me think of sharp grass and sickles in sand as stubble as your shaving, and it not only made total sense, but to me was a real refreshing good way to look at shaving, and it especially evokes getting ready to go out on a friday or saturday night, and i really liked having that idea evoked. it sharpens the next line, and when alcohol is brought up, its natural, because of course you were initially talking about getting ready to go out. also mentioning women - same thing, natural. good. and then the rest of that stanza just played out so good it got that reaction out of me. when i read it again, this time without gillette, the air was let out of the balloon, tires spewed air, and i think without that 'bringing it to earth' part with gillette in there, it ruins it for me. 'ruin', because it was way high above the neutral mark with, and way below the neutral mark without. i thought

Maybe thats the point?
Maybe we're all demons?


i right away thought this part could safely be edited out of existence. i could explain why, but i'll save my energy for the rest of my critique i think..

My lungs begin to implode like
starry nights without a God.
Will they ever stop?
I have the power...


i liked this a lot, and i also saw that you replaced god with the sky. i liked god much more. 'without a god' is very cool when juxtaposed against like starry nights in the van gogh connection, and i just thought it was a great way to describe lungs imploding, thought it had power, and the stanz actually ended with the word power. great. really. having without a sky in there, it seems to me gobbledegook and a sky is so safe, and god is much less, and the less safe the better is better i sAY

... I really have seen too many Gillette ads.

i liked this because, let me think how to say, - it seems like something that peter from american psycho would say to himself .. it's self depricating without being self depricating.. and again i sometimes really like to have something in a poem i can grasp on to (like in TS Eliots beer into the sawdust


hey man i have to go my friends just came over and all so ive got to run man , peace
#8
Wow, thanks mate. I did personally like the Gillette, but I noticed some people recieved the wrong connatation from it, just like the "without a God" bit so I decided against it and removed it.
I certainly agree with both arguments, Zach's and Jakes, and then my own and, from what I gathered, yours but I post things on here in the faith that other people's opinions are very important, I treasure them. So, I removed it. Maybe I could try and re-write it into something more discernible, whilst adding in the "Gillette" and "God" section. Your comment has revived my faith in this piece; I think I will do some serious revising.