#1
C4C. (leave link)

[just something I made quickly, when I had nothing to do really]


They’re selling ignorance to a nation
that keeps buying it as a cure
to all the sins and misfortunes
brought by God’s abandon.

He signed the divorce when he
started filling the streets with
plague, spreading ourselves like
an epidemic, heaping up
moth-attracting corpses
and building rivers of rotten blood.

Mothers weep over a child’s
remains, on who they failed,
with a torso filled with larvae
and a massacre all around;
blaming God for given life
and mind-tormenting feelings,
ending with a signature in flesh.

She packed God’s suitcases
and kicked his ass out of home.
#2
The first stanza sort of threw me off a bit, the phrasing didn't click in me. The send stanza didn't work either; very constricted and didn't expand into new ideas. It needed to be punctuated a bit more. The third stanza was a huge improvement. Everything flowed nicely and it seemed that you had control to what you were trying to say.

The final couplet seemed over-done. It didn't end in the right note, it didn't seem to end anything, all though it was humorous.

I think in your revision of this piece or on your next piece try to explore new ideas and not incorporating the urban downpour of failed relationships into your pieces, which uses religion as an emphasis.

EDIT: If you've time please check out "Caribbean Dreaming" and tellz what ya think.
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 14, 2008,
#3
It's curious how it doesn't have anything to do with failed relationships.

The point of this piece was to show that mostly everything people do to represent their love to god goes against god's message... Although I reckon this was poorly done, I was mostly bored; and my point of view is kind of biased since I'm an atheist, but this was written mostly for fun.

Thank you for your comment, I'll check yours asap.
#5
Very good writing, I just don't agree with what you are saying. There are many ways in which people can serve God and he will be more than happy with it. Being a servant, so to speak, of Jehovah God is not a chore, it is not that hard to do. People make it difficult by preasuring you to do the wrong things, its as simple as that.
God doesn't want you to shave your head and fast, beating yourself with wipps because of guilt from all the sins you are destined to commit. He recognizes our short-comings and failings and just asks us to try our best. If your best is not very good, so what, its the thought and your heart condition that counts.
I can certianly see why you would write something about this, I'm not ignorant to what your feeling, I'm just saying, there are ways to make God happy. The Bible may seem to contradict itself, but you musn't ponder on it too deeply because you will become enveloped by a book that is beyond comprehension. There is more to the Bible than humans can recognize, but the parts that we can discern, we do our utmost to live up to them.
For instance, there is a Scripture thats says, you must not cut yourself or make tattoo markings on your skin. So I don't do it, right. Then I'm told I should shave my beard - by humans, that is - I don't look respectable to God and his servants if I have a beard. The next Scripture says, do not shave the extremities of your beard. So, what on earth is going on? The more you think about it, the more you start to baffle yourself. Faith, thats whats needed. I hope you understand.

Just my opinion, mate.

Digitally Clean
#6
But that's exactly what I'm saying: being a servant is not that hard since He didn't ask too much from us. people misinterpretate what God really wants us to do. For example one thing that really shocks me is the fact that in Fatima (the biggest religious center in Portugal) you see old ladies with like 70 years, walking on their knees, with a candle on their hand for a promise... I mean, did God really wanted us to put ourselves into stuff like this ? Wasn't it all supposed to be figurative ? Well, i don't know but it's my interpretation.