#1
maybe you can relate, maybe not. just tell me what you think...


Let This Time Pass Quickly

every day you put on that plastic smile
and keep it on as you walk to your trial
they all stare at you and judge
remembering that ancient grudge
you pretend you have nothing to hide
just like them, you’re vapid inside
they won’t see through your sheep clothing
and see your deep, inner loathing

towards what they call “free”
you laugh at the bitter irony
as your contempt grows stronger
the days only seem longer
dear september please just pass
this air tastes just like tear gas
as your anger burns deep inside
the misanthrope you try to hide
#2
Quote by Kyle7792
maybe you can relate, maybe not. just tell me what you think...


Let This Time Pass Quickly

every day you put on that plastic smile
and keep it on as you walk to your trial
they all stare at you and judge
remembering that ancient grudge
you pretend you have nothing to hide
just like them, you’re vapid inside
they won’t see through your sheep clothing
and see your deep, inner loathing

I like the texture and rhythm that you used, that was a threat. I never like hearing the word "Ancient" because of its reputation as a beginners vocab, but that wasn't really the case here. I loved the simplicity in this opening stanza. But the "inner loathing" phrase felt unlinked to the rest of the stanza though. Also, vapid didn't really cut it for me as an adjective.

towards what they call “free”
you laugh at the bitter irony
as your contempt grows stronger
the days only seem longer
dear september please just pass
this air tastes just like tear gas
as your anger burns deep inside
the misanthrope you try to hide

This felt disjointed and quite angst in a juvenile sense. The rhyming here was sub par to the previous stanza. Punctuation is another thing, this needs to be punctuated if you want a real sense of flow. I liked the use of the word "Misanthropy" though but the way you used it felt unsettling, oh well.


Good job. keep writing.

EDIT: Check out "Caribbean Dreamin'"
Last edited by Bleed Away at Sep 14, 2008,