#1
Hey guys im kinda new to this forum and im really new to songwriting Heres one i wrote a few months ago. Id Love any tips you can give me. Especially on flow.

The North Star

Verse 1:
Em C
She Cries Alone Tonight
G F
Catching Tears in a Broken Glass
Love Dies Alone Tonight
Broken Wings and A Stolen Dress

Pre Chorus:
Em
She Loves Me
C
I love her
G
I hold her
F
I lose her

Verse 2:
Faith dies alone tonight
Torn apart in an angry wrath
Hope lives with me tonight
A lonely wish for a broken man

Pre Chorus x2
She loves me
I love her
I hold her
I lose her

Chorus x2
G F Em
And the north star cries alone with me
C G
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles tied to earth( I'm Really not sure about this one. In fact i know i don't like it. i just don't know how to replace it.
A heavy heart it is not worth

Bridge x2
Em
I love you
C
Ill hold you
G F
Just please come back to me tonight

Chorus x2
And the north star cries alone with me
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles tied to earth
A heavy heart it is not worth

Well there it is. Let me know what yall think.
1990 Gibson SG Special Black
2003 Martin Hd-28
Fender Standard Telecaster Chrome Red
Randall RX120RH On RX412 SOLD!!
Fender Pro Jr. Combo
Keeley Modded Boss DS-1
Electro Harmonics Metal Muff
Ernie Ball Vp Jr.
Last edited by Cagney1990 at Sep 14, 2008,
#2
Quote by Cagney1990
Hey guys im kinda new to this forum and im really new to songwriting Heres one i wrote a few months ago. Id Love any tips you can give me. Especially on flow.

The North Star

Verse 1:
Em C
She Cries Alone Tonight
G F
Catching Tears in a Broken Glass
Love Dies Alone Tonight
Broken Wings and A Stolen Dress

Only thing I'd have to say here is saying Tonight twice, i know it doesnt rhyme but maybe "She Cries Alone at Dusk/Catching Tears in a Broken Glass" or something, it doesnt rhyme but still flows and gives the image of night time/early mornin

Pre Chorus:
Em
She Loves Me
C
I love her
G
I hold her
F
I lose her
Seems fine to me, gives a different flow from the verse and seems like a different song, in my opinion this is great but others may disagree, i think maybe a key change here would do you good. Try changing to the relative major (G) so that would be G, Em, Bminor, Am or something, i think anyway ive not got a guitar handy to try that
Verse 2: Again the tonight tonight thing although it might really go with the song so if it does ignore me here
Faith dies alone tonight
Torn apart in an angry wrath
Hope lives with me tonight
A lonely wish for a broken man

Pre Chorus x2 Definetly here i would say go really quiet and build it up, gradual drums pounding in and gradually unpalmmute a chord or something
She loves me
I love her
I hold her
I lose her

Chorus x2 First two lines work, i see what you mean with the 3rd line. How about..."im breaking shackles that set me free/heavy hearts are never worth it" or something
G F Em
And the north star cries alone with me
C G
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles tied to earth( I'm Really not sure about this one. In fact i know i don't like it. i just don't know how to replace it.
A heavy heart it is not worth

Bridge x2 Again maybe a key change or something, try dropping everyone out here and just the drums goin while you scream this part
Em
I love you
C
Ill hold you
G F
Just please come back to me tonight

Chorus x2 Discussed this earlier
And the north star cries alone with me
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles tied to earth
A heavy heart it is not worth

Well there it is. Let me know what yall think.



Overall dude I hope you work with this, cause it could very easily turn into a hit. I hope you dont take offense to this (cause believe me its a compliment) i can picture it being on Kerrang and alot of their audience digging its vibe. If you do any other pieces/change this one let me know and ill gladly take a look. Cheers for the crit. Peace
#3
Thanks For the Critique. I Know what you mean about the Tonight. I'm working on that part right now. It sounds quite forced in the song. But i like the key change idea for the Pre chorus. Ill absolutely work with that. And for the bridge thats pretty much how i plan on doing it. But I'm gonna strum the chords at changes. I'm gonna make a few changes and post them. After that i'm gonna try to record it. Well see how that turns out.

P.S. I don't mind the kerrang part. I have no beef against them. They actually do a-lot of interesting stuff.
1990 Gibson SG Special Black
2003 Martin Hd-28
Fender Standard Telecaster Chrome Red
Randall RX120RH On RX412 SOLD!!
Fender Pro Jr. Combo
Keeley Modded Boss DS-1
Electro Harmonics Metal Muff
Ernie Ball Vp Jr.
#4
Quote by Cagney1990
Hey guys im kinda new to this forum and im really new to songwriting Heres one i wrote a few months ago. Id Love any tips you can give me. Especially on flow.

The North Star

Verse 1:
Em C
She Cries Alone Tonight
G F
Catching Tears in a Broken Glass
Love Dies Alone Tonight
Broken Wings and A Stolen Dress
I actually like what you did with the "Tonight" part. I quite like it having the internal rhyming, and don't see anything wrong with this part.

Pre Chorus:
Em
She Loves Me
C
I love her
G
I hold her
F
I lose her
A bit simplistic, but works as a pre-chorus.

Verse 2:
Faith dies alone tonight
Torn apart in an angry wrath
Hope lives with me tonight
A lonely wish for a broken man
I like the last two lines, but feel like if you had the internal rhyme thing going on in the first verse you might should see what you could do with it in this verse, otherwise it still serves it's purpose

Pre Chorus x2
She loves me
I love her
I hold her
I lose her
See last Pre-C

Chorus x2
G F Em
And the north star cries alone with me
C G
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles tied to earth( I'm Really not sure about this one. In fact i know i don't like it. i just don't know how to replace it.
A heavy heart it is not worth
I like this chorus. The north star could possibly allow you to lead to a reference in "coming back home" or something of those sorts, but it's up to you

Bridge x2
Em
I love you
C
Ill hold you
G F
Just please come back to me tonight
It seems like it's a bit too generic. But since it's going with the theme of coming back, then maybe you could do like stated above, and use it as something to change the chorus to something resembling returning to home

Chorus x2
And the north star cries alone with me
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles tied to earth
A heavy heart it is not worth

Well there it is. Let me know what yall think.



Overall I like the way it flows. The rhyming doesn't seem too forced, and for a beginning song-writer it was good. I'd work on some imagery maybe, and maybe a better choice of words so it sounds a bit less generic in parts like the bridge or pre-chorus, but overall a very good effort.
#5
Em C
She Cries Alone Tonight
G F
Catching Tears in a Broken Glass
Love Dies Alone Tonight
Broken Wings and A Stolen Dress

--PRETTY DECENT OPENING. TO ME, THE SECOND LINE DOESN'T MAKE COMPLETE SENSE, OR IS TO VAGUE AND TOO EARLY IN THE PIECE TO USE. OVERALL, GOOD STRUCTURE, SOUNDS NICE. PRETTY GENERIC CHORD PROGRESSION, BUT WORKS.

Pre Chorus:
Em
She Loves Me
C
I love her
G
I hold her
F
I lose her

--NOT SURE ABOUT HIS SECTION YET. I LIVE THE IDEA OF THE PRE CHORUS, AND IF SUNG WITH THE PAUSES YOU'VE INDICATED WITH LINE BREAKS, AND MAYBE EVEN FASTER THAN THE VERSES, I THINK IT COULD WORK. GOOD IDEA THOUGH: LOVE, HOLD, LOSE ... SETS UP FOR AN EPIC CHORUS RIGHT? HAHAHA

Verse 2:
Faith dies alone tonight
Torn apart in an angry wrath
Hope lives with me tonight
A lonely wish for a broken man

--NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M STARTING TO GET ANNOYED WITH THE WHOLE CRIES/DIES/LIES/WHY'S ALLITERATION. IT'S JUST ANNOYING THOUGH, NOT BAD. I THINK IT'S LIMITING THE VERSES THOUGH ... RHYMING TONIGHT WITH ITSELF I'M NOT SURE IS THE BEST IDEA ...

Pre Chorus x2
She loves me
I love her
I hold her
I lose her

Chorus x2
G F Em
And the north star cries alone with me
C G
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles tied to earth( I'm Really not sure about this one. In fact i know i don't like it. i just don't know how to replace it.
A heavy heart it is not worth

--WELL, I'D SAY IF THE NORTH START IS CRYING WITH YOU, THEN IT'S NOT ALONE AND NEITHER IS THE CHARACTER? RIGHT? NOT SURE IF THAT WAS WHAT YOU MEANT, BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE SENSE. OVERALL, I ACTUALLY DON'T LIKE THE CHORUS AT ALL. I'M A HUGE FAN OF THE BIG, LOUD, HOOKY CHORUS, AND I JUST CAN'T GET THE FLOW WITH WHAT YOU GOT HERE. THE LAST LINE, WHICH IS USUALLY THE MOST SIGNIFICANT OF THE CHORUS, SOUNDS TOO FORCED TO RHYME WITH EARTH (WHICH YOU DON'T LIKE ANYHOW YOU SAY). I REWORK THIS PART.

Bridge x2
Em
I love you
C
Ill hold you
G F
Just please come back to me tonight

--I ACTUALLY LIKED THE PRE BEFORE, AND I'M NOT SURE WHY YOU CHANGED IT UP HERE, ESPECIALLY TO SOMETHING I THINK IS MUCH MORE CHEESY.

Chorus x2
And the north star cries alone with me
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles tied to earth
A heavy heart it is not worth

I think it's a good start. I think the chorus needs help, and would be the first section I'd re-word on your next rewrite. Also, not sure about the chord progression, I mean, it's the same all the way through. Maybe add in an extra chord in the chorus, or add in a minor or 7th of one of the base chords just for the sake of a little change you know.

here's mine, if you got a sec: http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=956564
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#6
The North Star

Verse 1:
Em C
She Cries Alone at Home
G F#
Catching Tears in a Broken Glass
Love Dies Alone Tonight
Broken Wings and A Stolen Dress

Pre Chorus:
G
She Loves Me
F#m
I love her
Bm
I hold her
E
I lose her

Verse 2:
Faith slips away so fast
Torn apart in an angry wrath
Hope lives with me for now
A lonely wish for a broken man

Pre Chorus x2
She loves me
I love her
I hold her
I lose her

Chorus x2
G F Em
And the north star cries above me now
C G
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles sets me free
A broken man I will not be

Musical Interlude AKA. Guitar Solo

Chorus x2
And the north star cries above me now
Leaving hope for misery
Breaking shackles sets me free
A broken man I will not be

After a-little deliberation and taking every ones thoughts into mind I decided to remove the bridge. Instead there’s a solo there now. And I’ve reworked the chorus a bit. AK Superstar the north star reference is really not pointing to the star itself. Its to a piece of jewelry that I gave her that was called the north star. She kinda threw it at my head when we broke up. So I don’t want to play to much on that theme. And I’m working on a bit less cliché second verse. I find it easier to write a song with a simple chord progression and then work it around a bit more to suit my needs as I play it more. I’ve done that a bit now. Let me know what y’all think now.
1990 Gibson SG Special Black
2003 Martin Hd-28
Fender Standard Telecaster Chrome Red
Randall RX120RH On RX412 SOLD!!
Fender Pro Jr. Combo
Keeley Modded Boss DS-1
Electro Harmonics Metal Muff
Ernie Ball Vp Jr.