#1
Ok sooo i was watching the dawn of the dead remake last night.... i wrote this about the movie, but kind of taking the point of view of a kid whose family has been killed, minus his dad. They have to go find salvation or whatever, could you guys tell me what you think so far.

im not too worried about flow right now because i wrote it to a vocal melody similar to dust to dust from the misfits

somthings wrong
this sky does not seem right
its been some time
since i awoke at night

theyve burned the farm
raped all thats good
theyve taken your mother
Run this time they should- not sure about that one..

we'll dawn these masks boy
theres nothing here
theyve taken it all
but do not fear

the cities' our salvation
its our only hope
our god has left us
with his divine joke

(chorus maybe?)
you can come out now my son
weve been here for far too long
the monsters are all gone
now were on our own
#2
I'll give you 5 bucks for those lyrics. Haha, I'm just messing around, but seriously, I really like them, although I think that the "the cities' our salvation" part would make a better chorus than the "you can come out now" part (if that's what you meant by chorus maybe) .

Dawn of the dead (Remake) is a great movie, but I suggest to see the original as well, if you haven't already.

Peace.
#3
somthings wrong Somethings not somthings
this sky does not seem right [the sky rather than this? although both work
its been some time
since i awoke at night These two lines work

theyve burned the farm They've
raped all thats good
theyve taken your mother They've
Run this time they should- not sure about that one.. Id definetly change this line emmm. . .upon her hollow grave they stood or something

we'll dawn these masks boyWorks here, these lines are fine,you know they've thin g now so thats that
theres nothing here
theyve taken it all
but do not fear

the cities' our salvation Works. Maybe change the rhyme scheme to make it less expected BUT this again is just taste, this is about flow and it flows
its our only hope
our god has left us
with his divine joke

(chorus maybe?) Not a bad chorus, maybe add an extra line to give it an unexpected hit, i think maybe "Now were on our own/Waiting..." and let it hang for a bit would be cool
you can come out now my son
weve been here for far too long
the monsters are all gone
now were on our own


Overall quite a solid piece rhythmically, solid rhyme scheme and theres a structure. My advice is keep at it and try all different structures and rhymes till you get something you love Maybe try reading some books to get ideas, Oscar Wilde always seems to give me a good mental picture, if its horror you want try some Steven King Hope this helps


C4C ? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=16279658#post16279658
#4
ah im glad you like it! i definantly like the things you guys told me, and yes ive seen the original but i loooove the remake. im still kind of working out which parts go where, im even debate a series of songs?? i dunno maybe too much we'll see.