#1
I could see in your eyes it was over,
The way the tears curved down from your cheeks.
The way you prayed to your god that it all would be fine
How you apologized for being so weak.

I could tell that your love was a lie
How it was said so matter of factly
It reminded me of better days when I was young
And my heart was still in tact

It’s not hard to tell that I’m afraid
You can see it clear as day
Just tell me that it’s all okay
I need a lie to heal the pain

And you can tell that I’m in pieces
I was broken years ago
By a man in black with a Gatsby cap
He told me son, it’s time to leave

You should see that I’m to blame,
For all this mess that we have made
I’m like the story book on that train you took,
On the day you went away
You can read it all you want but babe,
Someday you’ll have to turn the page

It’s not hard to tell that I am still a mess
Can’t seem to stop myself from cryin’
So I’ll wipe my eyes and let out a sigh
Cause you’re not coming back tonight
You’re not coming back tonight

[C4C?]
#2
I could see in your eyes it was over,
The way the tears curved down from your cheeks.
The way you prayed to your god that it all would be fine
How you apologized for being so weak.
Seems a little awkward, but your statement is well put together.

I could tell that your love was a lie
How it was said so matter of factly
It reminded me of better days when I was young
And my heart was still in tact
Not much to say. Good concept, but could it be written better? Then again, I'm probably wrong. I'm no good at critiquing.

It’s not hard to tell that I’m afraid
You can see it clear as day
Just tell me that it’s all okay
I need a lie to heal the pain
The rhymes feel really forced.

And you can tell that I’m in pieces
I was broken years ago
By a man in black with a Gatsby cap
He told me son, it’s time to leave
Not sure what to say???

You should see that I’m to blame,
For all this mess that we have made
I’m like the story book on that train you took,
On the day you went away
You can read it all you want but babe,
Someday you’ll have to turn the page
My favorite stanza.

It’s not hard to tell that I am still a mess
Can’t seem to stop myself from cryin’
So I’ll wipe my eyes and let out a sigh
Cause you’re not coming back tonight
You’re not coming back tonight


Overall, the rhyming feels a bit forced at times. Other than that, it's got potential.


c4c?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=958274
#3
I like it. It flows great.

I could see in your eyes it was over,
The way the tears curved down from your cheeks. I would make this either the way the tears curved down from your eyes. Or the way the tears curved down your cheeks. It fits better imo.
The way you prayed to your god that it all would be fine
How you apologized for being so weak. In this i would remove the so. But it definately sounds good either way.

I could tell that your love was a lie
How it was said so matter of factlySeems like it has to many sylables. Maybe It was planly stated on your face. Or How it was so hollowly stated.
It reminded me of better days when I was young
And my heart was still in tact

It’s not hard to tell that I’m afraid
You can see it clear as day
Just tell me that it’s all okay
I need a lie to heal the painI love this verse. Its a very touching statement for anyone it think. A lie to heal the pain. I think there are times when we all want that.

And you can tell that I’m in pieces
I was broken years ago
By a man in black with a Gatsby cap
He told me son, it’s time to leaveFor the sake of flow i would change this from Its time to leave to its time to go.

You should see that I’m to blame,
For all this mess that we have madeThe first two line dont agree. It says your to blame for a mess we made. It should be this me I have made.
I’m like the story book on that train you took,
On the day you went away
You can read it all you want but babe,
Someday you’ll have to turn the page The rest of this verse is great. Its got a really cool surreal feeling and great conviction.

It’s not hard to tell that I am still a mess
Can’t seem to stop myself from cryin’
So I’ll wipe my eyes and let out a sigh
Cause you’re not coming back tonight
You’re not coming back tonight The last verse is a great cooldown from the conviction and emotion of the rest of the song. Its a perfect place to end.

Excellent job. I love it. Please know that my critique is just an opinion. The song should really be how you like it. And its very good as it is.

Heres my song. Please give me some tips.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=958021
1990 Gibson SG Special Black
2003 Martin Hd-28
Fender Standard Telecaster Chrome Red
Randall RX120RH On RX412 SOLD!!
Fender Pro Jr. Combo
Keeley Modded Boss DS-1
Electro Harmonics Metal Muff
Ernie Ball Vp Jr.
#4
Thanks for the critiquing, so far. I'm still re-working the song, and this was simply the first draft and wanted a rough view of how it was perceived. More is always appreciated as always.