#1
(working title; work in progress)

It's been a while since I've posted in the S&L forum. This is a work in progress, it's not finished at the moment. I was just wanting to see if UGers could give me a little constructive criticism. I know AAAA rhyme schemes don't generally tend to be very strong, but I've never used it before and wanted to try it out.


I've never felt these highest lows
Under the blacklight, my life glows
They know love's right under my nose
They're all just friends, but friends are foes

Cross my heart and hope to try
The Devil says the night is nigh
I can scream but I can't cry
So let me go and let me die

Let the world crash down on me
Colors, tracers, set me free
Can't believe anything I see
This is what I wanna be

The cameras bark, the tables dance
I can't make sense, I have no chance
I can't stand straight, I'm losing stance
I never want out of this trance
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#2
Not bad.

Sometimes the rhymes are a bit simplistic - specifically, try an alternative to 'under my nose'.

Also, I would change '...so let me go and let me die'.
#3
Quote by dethskar0
(working title; work in progress)

It's been a while since I've posted in the S&L forum. This is a work in progress, it's not finished at the moment. I was just wanting to see if UGers could give me a little constructive criticism. I know AAAA rhyme schemes don't generally tend to be very strong, but I've never used it before and wanted to try it out.


I've never felt these highest lows Id say the rhymes are a bit simple and you can kind of see them coming. However it might really work with the melody and spacing so you'll no yourself if this is the case
Under the blacklight, my life glows
They know love's right under my nose
They're all just friends, but friends are foesI liked this line, really clever imo

Cross my heart and hope to tryId change cry and die, it feels a bit whiny to me,again though depending the style this might be perfect and exactly what you want
The Devil says the night is nigh
I can scream but I can't cry
So let me go and let me die

Let the world crash down on me Rhymes again, maybe mix up the rhyme scheme, try AABC or just something to break it up a little
Colors, tracers, set me free
Can't believe anything I see
This is what I wanna be

The cameras bark, the tables danceSeems fitting with the rest of the song i guess, rhyming etc etc you know the jist by now
I can't make sense, I have no chance
I can't stand straight, I'm losing stance I like this line
I never want out of this trance



Overall id change some of the rhymes and mix up the structure a bit. That being said it might sound brilliant over the melody and chords you have and you'll know yourself if it needs work, a couple of lines in there i really liked though C4C? https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=958131
#4
I know the rhyme structure makes it a little predictable, but that was kind of the point with this piece. Anyone else?
That Cheap Fucking Smile Carries You To Bed

Those Lips Are Social Suicide But I Just Wanna See You Dead.
#5
Quote by dethskar0
I know the rhyme structure makes it a little predictable, but that was kind of the point with this piece. Anyone else?



Well in that case its perfect like i said we can all give our opinions but until we hear it put to music its hard to give it a definte critque.


All the luck to you gimme a shout if u record it.