#1
reflections
of
cycles
of
reflections

when it rains i feel clean
thus, eased into sleep.
coaxed into having such
illustrious dreams...
so indicative of
things to come.
coffee and smoke.
choking on the fumes of
inner city roads.
do not we still bathe
when the city has showered?

with some absolution,
a pressure rouses
the morning sun,
lifted high and above
and felt far and wide,
in our broken bones
and our broken homes;
inside poems crafted
under sheltering forms.

is not the difference
in all our hands
the weather
which they have seen?
Last edited by BluePaintCult at Sep 16, 2008,
#2
Quote by BluePaintCult
when it rains i feel clean,
eased into sleep,
Although this has a very odd rythym to it, its still attainable once you re-read it over a number of times. Not the most appropriate opening, but its alright.
or wired, winding down
This breaks the mood way too quickly. I reckon you should of allowed the idea behind the words to carry the change through, without using a sudden alteration of pace and termanology, like you did here.
from coffee and smoke.
however,
do not we still bathe
I don't see why you have the words laid out in this fashion? Mistake/purpose?
when the city has showered?
Very nice idea, not so neatly portrayed.
with absolution,
This still feels connected to the previous line, which totally contradicts the meaning of the word "absolution" - it conveys an idea of completion and security. There should be some form of change here - punctuation, something along those lines.
a pressure
brews morning sunrise,
lifted above
I didn't enjoy the line breaks here.
in our broken bones
and our broken homes,
in the poems
crafted under
any shelter.
This did nothing for me personally. I am struggling to grasp what you are refering to. My estimation is you are talking about people going round in circles in life, stuck in limbo, unaware of where they should be going, who with and doing what. Am I correct?
is not the difference
in all our hands
the weather
which they have seen?
Nice ending.


---


its been 4 months.


The sudden changes and alterations in both the line breaks, images and themes stops people from really grabbing onto this. I was forced to re-read it many times before I even became slightly aware of what was going on and normally I would love to do that, but this just seemed so air-y fairy, I didn't particularly want to go over it many more times, just being honest.

Digitally Clean
#3
when it rains i feel clean,
eased into sleep,interesting like it bit plain but sufficient
or wired, winding down
from coffee and smoke.two top ;lines seem random.. unneccsary. almost pulling away from water
however,
do not we still bathe
when the city has showered?
with absolution,meh not bad.
a pressurerandom?>
brews morning sunrise,
lifted above
in our broken bones
and our broken homes,
in the poems
crafted under
any shelter.
is not the difference
in all our hands
the weather
which they have seen?solid i like this.


---


its been 4 months.

Over all it was pretty good. i think that you were trying to accomplish too much here. YOu were using Coffe and morning ans water and cleansing. it became too confusing. and it was all in one stanza which doesnt help. try to stick with one image or idea at once and folow through before u start another one like you did. you went between coffe and water and wire? lol. it was wierd, random and confusing. overall not bad.
#6
Hey dude, thought you'd done a runner like everyone else...


when it rains i feel clean
thus, eased into sleep.
I get what you're trying to say here, I don't feel sleepier when I'm clean but I'll go with it.
persuaded into having those
illustrious dreams...
The first line here isn't great on the tongue, so many alternate sounds make the line read awkwardly, changing 'persuaded' might have a promising effect.
so indicative of
things to come.
coffee and smoke.
nice lines
choking on the fumes of
inner city roads.
nothing really stands out here, all pretty standard images, although you haven't deviated from the content, which is why it only just works.
do not we still bathe
when the city has showered?
Great lines, really.

with some absolution,
a pressure brews
Didn't really like the overall meaning of these two words 'pressure brews' I get the image just don't feel it.
the morning sun,
lifting high and above
and felt far and wide,
in our broken bones
and our broken homes;
in the poems we craft
under sheltering forms.

Good rhythm in these last 4 lines, took me a couple of reads to get this stanza to read naturally, when it seems at least to be the most accessible of them all.

is not the difference
in all our hands
the weather
which they have seen?

That's a great ending, almost stand alone, which begs the question do you really need all the other lines before it? I'm sure you could cull a few, shorten the piece and really gear it towards that ending, which saves the piece for me.

Overall, as usual you have a great outlook and idea which at times suffers because of your need to remain simple, but in the end always has something prolific to say, I just wish you'd push yourself a little sometimes.

peACE


If you've got time, the period at the end of my sig contains my latest.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
Yeah those little changes, to me at least make the poem read a lot smoother, I don't get tied around anything. Those last lines are still great and it feels better overall this time.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#9
The new version was better, apart from the second line, which I didn't like (although its growing on me ) - "when it rains i feel clean/thus, eased into sleep." -
This imrpoved format flowed rather nicely and I found myself discovering many meanings from it that I enjoyed beholding. Each word now seems to link with a thought in my head, a scenario or emotion, when before, it lacked that connection. I don't know why, I'm guessing its because it was too stuttery and vague, slightly vacant. Now I feel like it thrives with life, an uncomfortable and aggrivated life, just like so many people around the globe.

Digitally Clean