#1
the vacancy file.

she wanted to talk about love
in the rain,
and sometimes
the pain is only sometimes;

discover those
mentioned miracles,
and all of a sudden
this was never what you thought.

i am ____;
human,
nonetheless,
scarred
mental animal.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
Last edited by ottoavist at Sep 16, 2008,
#2
I'll be back a little later.
I'm going to devote an hour, minimum, to this.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
this was a good read, very subtle but there is a lot of hidden impact behind it. i think that the last two lines in the first stanza don't really read well or even add much to the overall scheme of things but i see what you're trying to achieve.

i also didn't like "i am ____;", i didn't really see the point in it unless you're willing to explain it to me. this is well written otherwise.
"i'd give my soul to be where i was a year ago... if i had a soul left to give"
#4
^ but he did explain it to you, silly!

just a quick look over...

Quote by ottoavist
the vacancy file.

she wanted to talk about love
in the rain,
something about this, although it should do the exact opposite, made smiles. It worked as an intro, bravo
and sometimes the pain
is only sometimes;
there's the thing; this little bit, as a little bit, works. After that first bit, and before that third bit though... really? I think it's fine, but it detaches things too much. Although it's good to have some detachment in a piece like this, this felt too choppy.

discover those
mentioned miracles,
gooodddd
and
urgh
line breaks only with the word
and
on them.
blergh.
it tries to be pretty
and
I think it fails

this was never what you thought.
find yourself here; right now.
this works fine, though maybe they'd be more inclined to find themselves if it was them whatever other character was talking about before? eh?

i am ____;
human,
nonetheless,
scarred
mental animal.
this was good
liked the gap, as a pointed remark after the line before, I think it was excellent.


I didn't feel much after reading this but 'huh, yeah'.
Guess that works with the title, but that doesn't make it acceptable
With some editing it could be much better though, there were some clever little things in this which could be pushed up a level and made brilliant.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#5
"and sometimes the pain/is only sometimes"

classic wittiness of you, but "pain" is a bland word to use, even with the rain rhyme.

"this was never what you thought/find yourself here, right now"

least "poetic" (urgh, you know what i mean) way you've ever worded something. on one hand, you seem (as a writer) so much more sure of yourself than when you were almost dependently addicted to little flourishes of rhythm in your pieces. (which is brilliant). on the other hand, i don't think that's a very good way of wording that.

the last stanza i loved.

you've pretty much reached a point where i can identify pieces as perfectly "you" (but now you're doing it without the little in-and-out-of-rhyme-scheme-and-flow gimmick). in short, you're a great writer, but i don't think this is a great piece. by the standard of most, sure, but i always expect something that's going to knock me off my helmet with you. and this didn't (quite)
#6
thanks everyone.
i believe i've edited this into the entity that i meant to sculpt upon its original posting.
don't think that would've happened without the help.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
Well I thought I was going to have a lot more to say about this, but Alex pretty much covered it all.

The whole arrangement of the first stanza was a little disagreeable with me. I'll say the pain/rain rhyme was fine with me, though I won't say I loved it (I realize it's an intentional play on cliche, but it almost doesn't make it's way back out). I think the major problem is that the first two lines worked really well together, as did the last two. When read as a whole though, it felt off.

As for the second stanza alluding back to the first; I like the concept, but I'm not sure the execution quite did justice to your idea. I prefer the way you had it before because it at least seemed to be on the right path, whereas now it feels as if you don't even need to reference the first stanza. It seems like you could just get rid of 'mentioned' and combine the two lines, instead of forcing that back in to fit your original intent. Also, the miracles don't feel forthright enough to actually be labeled as 'mentioned', which is all the more reason I think you should just get rid of that word.

All I can say on the last stanza is that it was very well done (did you mean that space in the 'I am nothing' sense, or just as a blank for what was to come?). I do think the first two stanzas could use some rearrangement. The concept right now is being overshadowed and dragged down some by small things in the presentation. I tried not to make any specific suggestions because, although I know what I might like to see in this, it wouldn't come anywhere near to what you could give it.

This was a really good poem, and it had that great Kent musk to it, but I couldn't help but be a little bummed while I was reading that it didn't match it's potential (it didn't match your potential). If you have the inclination, I think putting some more work into this would be well worth the time. Since when did you settle for just 'great'?


EDIT: and now, reading your post, I feel like this was all useless
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#8
Quote by ottoavist
the vacancy file.

she wanted to talk about love
in the rain,
I adore this opening. Its lushes how you have taken a cliche and broke its spine in two pieces. Ripped it out, Predator style, and slapped it onto your own back, pinning it alongside five human and alien skulls.
and sometimes the pain
is only sometimes;
This odd pattern didn't quite work as well as the first two lines, being honest. Then again, its still gorgeous, but I did absolutely love your opening! That sounds rude, doesn't it? Ohhhh Kenty!
Seriously though, this continued with the same technique of contorting the words' general structure and layout, which thus allowed the reader to conjure up as many thoughts as they like. If you had only used that particular method of writing once, I would of been disapointed. You have given the perfect amount of what is naughty. Instead of one pathetic cookie, you gave two, and a glass of milk. What I derived from this is pretty obvious; love only hurts sometimes. Also, that rain is a pain in the ass - especially if you live in Ireland - but it can be a joy to behold as well; like love. You used "sometimes" twice as a way of emphasising the distorted way you sometimes feel when in love. Your body goes into overdrive and you don't quite understand what to feel, say or do. Thats just me, though. Someone else could find a totally alternative inside theme.


discover those
mentioned miracles,
and all of a sudden
this was never what you thought.
I need to return to this, I don't understand what it means.

i am ____;
human,
nonetheless,
scarred
mental animal.
Once again, I need to re-gather my thoughts and try and comprehend what you are trying to say, and then I can make up my own mind on what it eludes to.


Gorgeous stuff, mate. It could be a whole lot better when I figure out what on earth its about!

Digitally Clean
#9
This fell just short of impactful for me. The last stanza hit. Everything else before it was fluffy and kitten like. It needed to me ferocious. The double cliche thing at the beginning was good, save for I hated the line break. I'd have liked to see "the rain" as its own line. Helps the flow of things from how I read it, plus you don't have a whole line devoted to something as bland as "in the rain" which is weak in and of itself.

I don't know... if you cut off the first two stanzas, I'd love it. Its the type of poetic gimmick that could really flourish. But I'm afraid that by teh time I got to the end, I just didn't care enough because of the previous 8 lines. They just tasted like filler to me. Like you had this idea you wanted to really slam home with the _____ and wanted to set it in a frame. But the framing you picked is like putting a picture of a casket in a frame that says "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" It warrants a few, "cool." comments from passerbys, but in the end... it really cheapens the gravity of the real content.

Just my 2 cents. Feel free to disregard what you don't find useful.

Reads/Comments on "The bangles" appreciated by not required.
#10
^i'll get to yours, no problem, Zach.
thank you guys so much.

Goldfish, this is another one that i kind of wanted to leave open to interpretation, but to make things just a tad clearer: the ___ is where the reader can insert their name.
the second stanza is actually probably my favorite thing i've wrote in awhile, because i wanted to bridge the gap between the two "vacancy" issues... ie - S1 indicating indirect communication in a relationship, S3 indicating the sufferance of not knowing one's self yet. all the second stanza insinuates is that instead of developing problematic outlook; maybe things should be looked upon more along the lines of being miracles - and then it's the circle effect. (repeat, repeat, repeat; until the end of time.) i couldn't make it as accessible as i wanted, because i used the "she" in the first stanza, showing a direct male perspective; but, it just sounded better, imo.
idk.

i really appreciate it though people; you don't know how much it helps.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#11
she wanted to talk about love
in the rain,
and sometimes the pain
is only sometimes;
I loved this opening so much I could dance. I think that Alex was right in pointing out "pain" but I wouldn't remove it or change it. What I would do is drop "the pain" to join the next line:

and sometimes
the pain is only sometimes;

I think it opens it for people who want to the rhyme to read it as if it's there and for others, it will make it less cliché and less bland.


discover those
mentioned miracles,
and all of a sudden
this was never what you thought.
So clever. This could be interpreted in a thousand different ways and because of that it will hit home with just about anyone. I thought it was very subtle and well executed.

i am ____;
human,
nonetheless,
scarred
mental animal.
I liked and I didn't like the blank. I get it, I really do, but "I am me" would have worked so much stronger, in my opinion. I don't know, perhaps it just felt so natural for me to read it like that, that I just thought everyone else should too. I loved the rest.

Well, I picked it clean and still it came out as sparkling as it was in the first place. Gorgeous.

Love love love.

This is not a pipe
#12
I liked this. But I couldnt attach to it. There was minimal imagery which told a story. It was like reading philosophy when I wanted to read Moby Dick. Don't get me wrong, it's a great little piece, with a great bit of interpretation and meaning, hell, I'll probably steal some idea from this along the line. However, I can only take this seriously in context of your other work. As long as your ethos and other writings precede this I feel as if it is a great piece, if I read this on it's own in an anthology I would think the writer was far too broad for his own good.

#13
thanks all.
i'll be returning as the day goes.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.