#1


so bored of sterile student lips
and the heartbreak switch
between heartbreak hips -
of taking the proverbial heartbreak piss
and the hit at the end
when the moment lifts.




love is a dog from hell.



#2
Love it.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#3
wasn't a huge fan of the use of "heartbreak" more than once, especially for such a small piece. It's such a strong emotional word, I think by the third time you've used it, it lost it's impact. My mind must be in the gutter, cause line 4 is so much not like the others. Very raw, both in language (using the word piss) and what it represents to the piece. It's almost like it detracts from really an otherwise well written piece. The last two lines are briliant, and I'm jeolous I didn't come up with it first. Good writting!!
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#4
eh, this feels a little too detached...LAWL.

it took me a moment for the repetition to set in, and have an effect other than "why?" - a good one, at that. i think the rhyme scheme did you nothing but justice, also.
and i agree with the guy above me;
the last two lines were win.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5

this is just a little ditty, and should only really be taken as such - i didn't expect the positive criticism, so thanks





love is a dog from hell.



#6
I am starting to see why so few people write so few short pieces; because they're so hard to write effectively. I have yet to be wowed by a short poem, by anyone. Maybe I just haven't read the right one yet.
Personally, the internal rhymes, repetitions and alliterations actually dragged this piece down. Normally I would love a bit of quirky rythyms and word choices, but in this I didn't feel contended or exilerated with it being there.
Although you did use fairly contraversial and culturaly powerful termanology, the poetic way the general words portrayed themselves created an almost tarted up image inside my head, like you were trying to cover over vulgarity. You almost pulled off the balance of angry words with poetic sweetness, but the shortness let it down.
Just my thoughts. I've always wanted to pen short pieces, and I tried recently, but I wasn't happy with it and it didn't wow anyone else either, neither did this. Although it was definitely solid and interesting.

Digitally Clean
#7
it is a good little little ditty.
There's only one thing we can do to thwart the plot of these albino shape-shifting lizard BITCHES!
#8
Quote by we have sound
this is just a little ditty, and should only really be taken as such - i didn't expect the positive criticism, so thanks
hmm.
then i suppose we could just leave it at - fartknockers. :]
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#9
Quote by ottoavist
hmm.
then i suppose we could just leave it at - fartknockers. :]






love is a dog from hell.