lifeless love being let out
pushed out like a noxious gas
the incipience installed from the mouth
with listless lips you took my life

like lunary lover, tragic flaw sets in
with screams and howls we proved otu love
illusion of mind lips, eyes, touch.

like hedonists we showed our bravado
as resilient as when we first begun
and flaccidly we ended
as the silent despersion of gas leaks out
i will finally clean my bowels of you.
...im actually undecided for once. it's either an insanely creative metaphor...or a song about farts...2.5 for confusing the stuffing out of me.
I laughed a lot, but thats it. Your long, uncomfortable words creating too much tension and disarray. The feeling of farting on love alone should be enough to keep the audience on their toes, being pocked with cattle prods. I think this needed some elegant flow and soft silk instead of claggy armour, having that would of been a lovely contrast to the discomfort of having wind!
After many reads, this just failed to be sweet and tender, it just reaked of putrid anger, without any breaks or control. Sometimes that is mroe fitting in a poem, but because of it in the instance, I failed to really feel any strong emotions.

Digitally Clean