#1
She was my Grandmother, She was

the slave girl,
uneven red puddles, reflections staring
holes through a wheezing chest,
dark liquid, remains of barbed wire,
haphazard, dripping and wrapped
down between her brittle ribs.

the hidden slave girl,
Hazel seas lost deep now, tracing maps:
the small breasts towards the broken thigh towards
the nothing dark night skin towards
the nothing dark night air.

the hidden slave girl running fast,
a thousand leaves locked
and sewn stiff into the folds of her mouth
refusing to cry out to the dark;
whimpers soft, cotton, chapped and broken,

the hidden slave girl running fast from the ten thousands of lights
the frigid dim glass and ten thousands of lights
barbed wire, heart beat, the nothing dark night’s skin
Ignited.

consumed by laughter,
the winter night, new snowfall thick on the window,
attached to the dark wires of buzzing machines
cackling hard through fat tubes in her chest,
she said to me,
“This is the Wonderment.
This is the Freedom.”
Last edited by #1 synth at Sep 15, 2008,
#3
At this moment in time, I love the flow and your words, but ehhh, I must confess, I have no idea what its about. I shall return! Poww!
#5
I'm usually not one to nitpick at grammar, but the period in the second to last line threw me off. I don't like the way 'desperation' is detached from the preceding lines, since it seems as if it should run together, and would run together without that period. Alone it is not a very pleasing line, though the two before it are. I would just like some clarification on if that was an intentional pause in one solid thought, or if the last line is a separate thought altogether. Like I said, I usually don't focus too hard on punctuation, but it changes quite a bit in this case.

To break away from that though, you have some fantastic imagery here, especially in the third and fourth stanzas. There was just something about the first two that kept me from getting too involved - like I wanted to visualize what you were saying, but I could only comprehend and nothing further. Perhaps it's just me. Either way I still enjoyed this, if you let me know about the last two lines I might have something further to add.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
like the slave girl,
bloodied locker room window,
holes through a wheezing chest,love the image. subtle yet powerful
dark weight haphazard
in between her brittle ribs.once again i like it. subtle but if you think. it's a good image. something dark but not screaming LOOK AT ME!

like the hidden slave girl,indifferent. though it is obvious you are purposely repeating it i feel iono.. i htink hidden just throws me off. thats waht i'm getting at
Hazel seas lost deep now, tracing maps:
the small back towards the bulging thigh towards
the nothing dark night skin towards
the nothing dark night air.mmm interesting. but i'm confused

like the hidden slave girl running fast,
a thousand leaves locked
and sewn stiff into the folds of her mouth;
Voice soft, cotton, chapped and broken.
love it

like the hidden slave girl running fast from the ten thousands of lights
the frigid dim glass and ten thousands of lightsmm.. ligh t and light.. i htink maybe put hte 3rd stanza where this is and put this where the third one is. it makes sence and i just think stylistically it just sounds better.
gunpowder, musket balls, the nothing dark night’s skin
Ignited.i dont like the ignited. i think that you should just leave it with the 3rd stanza

kissing your neck gently while your soul heaveslove the kissing neck. iono i just love doing that. haha. sorry too much info. just had to put it out there.
and the ground turns white. This is the Wonderment
and a laugh so hard at the Absolute.
desperation in new snowfall.nice closing

over all i liked it. small stylistic things i guess i was picking up on.
c4c? in sig
#7
thank you guys a lot.

I edited it but it turned into a completely different piece so I'll just leave this one up and maybe post the other later in a different thread. Thanks for all of you're help you have no idea how much I appreciate it.

All punctuation was intentional regardless of the version. It was broken as two separate ideas, but I don't think it works that well. So thank you very much for nitpicking.

links that you want me to check out?
#8
Quote by #1 synth
like the slave girl,
bloodied locker room window,
holes through a wheezing chest,
dark weight haphazard
in between her brittle ribs.

Beautiful imagery. But I'm a bit lost. Is this about some girl getting shot? If so, what does the "dark weight" have to do with it? Normally, I have no trouble following your stuff, but this seems to be obstusely vague to me. Like you wanted it that way, but it leaves me feeling really unsatisfied. Like it wasn't completed, and then you skip off to the next section. That may have been the desired effect... but to be perfectly honest it made me want to stop already.

like the hidden slave girl,
Hazel seas lost deep now, tracing maps:
the small back towards the bulging thigh towards
the nothing dark night skin towards
the nothing dark night air.

This, frankly, seemed like gibberish to me. Again, its gorgeous... the words are fluid, its like watching waves roll off of your tongue. But, I'm not connecting to any of this. The images are gorgeous, but so far you are painting a picture of something that lacks depth of meaning for me. I can follow what you are saying, but not what you are talking about. It's bitter-sweet so far.

like the hidden slave girl running fast,
a thousand leaves locked
and sewn stiff into the folds of her mouth;
Voice soft, cotton, chapped and broken.


absolutely loathed that image in the third line. It didn't make much sense to me. Why sewn into the folds of her mouth? Is there something I'm missing. I can't find any common thread besides the slave girl thing to really hold this together... and each section is like its starting fresh describing her... its just disorienting.


like the hidden slave girl running fast from the ten thousands of lights
the frigid dim glass and ten thousands of lights
gunpowder, musket balls, the nothing dark night’s skin
Ignited.

Loved everything but the repetition. Too long, too clumsy for my taste. But, that's probably just me.

kissing your neck gently while your soul heaves
and the ground turns white. This is the Wonderment
and a laugh so hard at the Absolute.
desperation in new snowfall.

I don't get the jump. In fact, I don't get most of this. I don't think its me, this time. I just can't find much to grab a hold of. PM me the meaning, I want to get it. I feel like there is something flagrant that I'm missing... but I'm on my 3rd read and I'm still not finding it.



I, to be blunt, didn't like this. The images were nice... a bunch of nice trees randomly on a page if you aren't going to fill the gaps and make a scene. It was bittersweet. The writing was gorgeous. Everything else, not so much.

If you feel like it, The new one (top) in sig. If not... okies.



-Zach(k)
#9
agreed. I was going for a different image then I actually wrote. Hell, I'll just post the edited version anyway and see if anyone has any one sentence thoughts on it.

Thank you everyone whose commented (specially you Zacky poo. and you're completely right) I'll get to yours within the next couple days.

just one little note on this edited version would be much obliged, even just a "I like it" "I hate it".
though I know I've already taken up enough of your guyses time with this thread. ah, I'm rambling. sleepy time for me.

thanks again.

you all.
#10
I didn't like it. Reads to me like you're writing about something you want to write about but don't know how to do it. Devoid of any connection between you and the piece and thus between me and the piece.
This is not a pipe
#11
After many reads from different positions - upside down, left to right, and even with my bum in the air - I still can't figure it out. It just feels like a slightly sweet little variety of flowers stuck into a vomit coloured polystyrene cut out. I didn't recieve any sense of substance, in amongst the pretty words and gorgeous flow.
I do honestly love a challenge, but this is beyond my reasoning and I therefore couldn't connect to it, which is one of the most important factors in poetry, but you know that don't you, so I'm going to shut up...

Digitally Clean
#12
Quote by carmel_l
I didn't like it. Reads to me like you're writing about something you want to write about but don't know how to do it. Devoid of any connection between you and the piece and thus between me and the piece.

You say everything I see, and want say, but I'm not ever sure if I'm right enough to criticize that point.

This can be frustrating, wanting to say soemthing and not being able to do it in a genuine way.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#14
Edited is better. But I'm still not sold.

It doesn't say what you want it to; at least to us readers. To me, it still doesn't say much of anything. I can follow it better, but I just don't think they setup you've got going is going to allow you to bring a message across. Might be something personal for you, but to me it looks like a piece you should salvage some ideas from and start somewhere new to re-write it, if you really want it to hit me.
#15
Quote by #1 synth
agreed. I was going for a different image then I actually wrote. Hell, I'll just post the edited version anyway and see if anyone has any one sentence thoughts on it.


I watched the tyra show or something today and it was about people being sold into the sex industry.
this reminded me of the tyra show.

-shrug-
O! music: Click (Youtube)


^ Click to see an acoustic arrangement of Ke$ha's 'Your Love is my Drug' - everyone's favourite song.
#16
Quote by ZachHasATinyCock
Edited is better. But I'm still not sold.

It doesn't say what you want it to; at least to us readers. To me, it still doesn't say much of anything. I can follow it better, but I just don't think they setup you've got going is going to allow you to bring a message across. Might be something personal for you, but to me it looks like a piece you should salvage some ideas from and start somewhere new to re-write it, if you really want it to hit me.


oh no, I'm far from done with this piece

just let this sink now please, there is very little that can be said that I don't already know. instead, go comment on this one: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=959751

as it's not mine.
#17
NO SINKING FOR YOU!!

well, i guess i'll pay my crit forward to the next one, eh?
i did like the title though.
something about it was refreshing; like the smell resonating off the inside of a new book, or some insane description of sorts.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.