#1
This is about schizophrenia, mine in particular.

Windshield Contact Lenses

pop, pop, pot plant,
eyes pop out like children through windshields
crack, crack, crack pot,
mirrors crack like crazy heads on concrete.
you were the tree in my path;
Giant Red-Woods
spanning seventy seven broken arms, stretched wide,
stoned smiles.

...
Dad's once perfect creation
steps forward from the labyrinth tree,
each footprint a small but intimidating drunken
amble towards my collection of forlorn debris;
a child loose at the crossing of the motorway;
a psychotic cannibal chewing
candidly on my brain,
scalloped roughly onto a platter with two sides,
one well done, the other,
rare like rainbows without a pot of gold,
without a sense of direction,
without the dirt to plant in.
Just as I scribble my mind to speak,
the windshield mirror moves from focus,
the forest lays fallow in front of me.

Did I just do that?



Digitally Clean
Last edited by AngryGoldfish at Sep 15, 2008,
#2
This is one of the most tangible things I've ever read from you. You've found the perfect balance between cynicism and rhythm here (usually you lean more towards the former, somewhat casting aside the latter), and it makes for a really great read. I'm also very impressed with the tone, it just sounds like... you, but how I think you've always been trying to come across. It worked awesomely this time.

I really can't find much to critique here - would you be offended if I just said this fuckin' rocks? I'd very much enjoy reading more like this.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
Last edited by Billyjson at Sep 15, 2008,
#3
Thanks very much, Jake. I do feel very contented with this one, and your comments have reassured me ever more. I think I've been writing more in this general direction with stuff I'm working on right now, although I am still trying to assimilate my tone and method, so experiments will still be active in my pieces. A nuisance, I know, but I feel I need to do it to progress more.
Man, I sounded really ponsy there... ha!
#4
I enjoyed this a lot. I feely captured a lot of feelings and emotions, which is very important. I can't find much crtique, it just flowed really well and nothing jumped of the page saying 'Wow, that's not any good' or anything. When I finished reading it, I simply felt that it was perfect and it shouldn't be messed with. Very good work, dude.

I wouldn't mind if you checked out my piece 'Regeneration'. Thanks.
#5
I'm not sure if it was intended, but I found it sort of humurous, "Did I just do that?" being the punchline.
Quote by icaneatcatfood
On second thought, **** tuning forks. You best be carrying around a grand piano that was tuned by an Italian
#6
I'm very much pleased you found it funny. I love it when people find me funny, I think its a compliment, one of the best kind.
#8
This was very interesting, I felt you captured schizophrenia well, to say the least, not that I would know what it's like... even the color change added to it, haha.

The rhythms were sound, the descriptions were varied, the content was varied also, as well as original.

The only thing that really irke'd me in this was the stuttering in the first stanza, but I guess that's all part of the message

Good stuff.
#9
The blue part felt awkward, didn't like it very much, not even the tone of it. On the other hand, the red part was amazingly written, in the way I mostly enjoy your pieces. Still, I manage to understand how they both connect, and the purpose of the first half.

Concluding: I think this is one of the most complete pieces you have posted in here. Keep it up