#1

New angle on writing for this piece

Before you read this, you may want to watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gYe53YwErGM&feature=related

There are quite a few inaccuracies in here, but the piece sprang from this song. And yes, there is an underlying undertone, I'd like to see if anyone catches it, so please let me know what you got from it. C4C



fourteen outstretched arms, and
she can dance like a native ought to.
pharaoh cues up walk like an egyptian on his iPod;
pyramid toes begin to tap
sphinx's locks begin to sway
palm trees hips are swinging
whilst coco-nuts grind on loose looking leaves.

rafting down the nile on old goodyears,
toes dangling in the water
so that leukemia crocodiles can enjoy a last meal.
the bangles beat is fading into background fodder;
tree bark turning grey,
sand grains turning grey,
monkeys turning grey.
Last edited by ZachHasATinyCock at Sep 16, 2008,
#2
As far as I can tell it's a comment on the diminishing sense of culture in the world, being replaced by technology, stereotypes, and a common ideal of 'what life should be'. That's what it radiates to me. The pyramid tapping its toes came across as a little out there, since pyramids have no toe-like figures except perhaps the corners (which is a stretch, in my mind). Only thing that bothered me.

I'll put aside my bias (I hate that song, a lot) and say this was an enjoyable read.
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#3
Thanks Jake.

the pyramid toes was referring to the fact that common egyptian pyramids had "walkways" coming out of the bottom that typically looked like stumpy toes because they would go out 50 ft or so and then stop and it would just go back to ground.

linky?


OH, and I hate that song a lot too. I just started writing and it reminded me of that song, so I decided to incorporate it.
#4
Guess it's been a while since I've seen a pyramid - disregard that then.

I do the song-based theme sometimes too, but it doesn't always end well.... just please, learn from my mistakes; if next time you happen to be listening to something like Hanson or Aqua, keep it to yourself.


(and you already got to my piece, don't worry about it)
On the eight day we spoke back...

let there be sound.
#6
Zach, i concur with Bill.
i mean, he basically held me at knifepoint and stole the words right out of my mouth.

i didn't like this very much though. it was one of those that just kind of screamed all of it's content bluntly into the reader's face. nothing much left to the imagination, you know? i suppose though that a person much less shallow than myself could grasp a few different perspectives upon reading, but the indications were much too clear.
i don't know if that's what you were going for or not...but yeah.

EDIT:
i didn't like this very much though.
i take that back. i did like it a little, but i expect much greater from you; and that stands.
thank you for the comment on my piece, btw.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#7
I liked this. This was more clear to me than most of your recent work. It never strook me though, unfortunately. Ehh, yeah, its enjoyable and humorous, which is not an easy feat, as you probably know. So, I can give a lot of credit for someone who can create a sumptuous supply of effectively funny material that keeps you interested.
What the problem I found with this, though, is there's too much humour. I felt no real effect upon your part on how you feel about the matter you are discussing. I know you wrote too long paragraphs about it, but I just never grasped any real sense of anger from you. Maybe its because I don't believe what you are saying to be all that important; so what if people are evolving, back then, and whenever, there was still stereotypes and higher technology, there will always be that element of pretentiousness and amptitude amongst cultures. You just have to accept it (except... I can't remember, even though I wrote a poem about it) and move on to another field of people; ones who aren't concerned about meaningless pleasures or selecting their friends from certain backgrounds and outside images. Congregate yourself around the people who are open-minded and casual, then theres no need to worry about what popular cultural is defining these days. You just, make the best of what you have. That might sound contradicting, but its the best I can do when expressing my feelings.

Just my opinion.
#10
I liked this piece. Especially the ending. Everything grows old and fades away eventually, doesn't it. I don't really like the song 'Walk Like An Egyptian', therefore I am slightly biassed in my disliking of the first stanza. I didn't understand the 'fourteen outstreched arms' part. It felt like it had no relevance to anything. Please, enlighten me.

However, I did really like the coco-nut line.

Overall, nice piece. I can appreciate it, although this style is not normally my cup of tea.

Please check out my piece; https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=959999

Thanks!
#11
Dan: I won't ignore it... obviously, its something the piece communicated... so tis something to be taken seriously. I just thought I would sort of point out that was not the direction I had in mind.


George: Thanks for the comments mate. I'll get to yours. The fourteen outstretched arms is a reference to a stereotypical (at least in American films) form of dance where there are 6 or 7 people lined up behind one another waving their arms so it looks like a person has 12-14 arms...