calvin27_2002
Calvin27
Join date: Oct 2006
161 IQ
#1
Hiya guyz! basically this is the first time i'm writing a song~ and i'm sure it probably sounded really amateurish and might be loads of errors~ but i'm kinda using this way to express my feelings~ So.. ya hope ya guyz can help and make it nicer~ thx. C4C =)


EVERYTIME

Verse 1
Every night I close my eyes
I stumble across you in my dreams
Holding tightly close to each other
As we gaze upon on our wishing star
Finding you disappear when my eyes are wide open
Feeling so faithless and discontent when you’re not around

Pre-Chorus
I wanna to be by your side
I wanna to be right next to you

Chorus
Cause every time I see your face, I feel that I’m so high
The way you look at me makes me feel like I wanna fly
And every time we touch, I got this feeling I could not deny
Being together with you means everything I could ever had

Verse 2
Having thoughts about you day and night
Wondering if my dreams would ever come alive
How I wish I could read your mind
By looking into your eyes

Pre-Chorus
I wanna to be by your side
I wanna to be right next to you

Chorus
Cause every time I see your face, I feel that I’m so high
The way you look at me makes me feel like I wanna fly
And every time we touch, I got this feeling I could not deny
Being together with you means everything I could ever had

Solo

Chorus
Cause every time I see your face, I feel that I’m so high
The way you look at me makes me feel like I wanna fly
And every time we touch, I got this feeling I could not deny
Being together with you means everything I could ever had
breaking_plan
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2008
10 IQ
#2
hey dude. this is your first time... i would say good job, not bad. Keep it up. However, the song is a bit long, and the verse 1 is nice. Weird, how come ur verse 2 only have it 4 lines? it should same as first verse (6 lines). Usually first and second verse have the same number of lines.

Rate: 3.0/5.0 (overall)
"I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, because a girl like you is impossible to find, you are impossible to find"; because Secondhand Serenade says so.
Last edited by breaking_plan at Sep 16, 2008,
Zorro.AJ
UG Newbie
Join date: Mar 2008
30 IQ
#3
i liked the song, it did paint a picture of how you feel. but i think you were trying to hard to make the sentances rhyme, and i feel that the pre chorus repeats itself by saying basically the same thing twice....

but if this is your first song then well done.
you gonna get raped!!!!!!!


evilnatasking
Its a revolution
Join date: Feb 2006
179 IQ
#4
I like this song. It's good for a beginner. As breaking_plan said, your first and second verse should be the same amount of lines. I do sort of see some of this as forced. Let the words come to you natural because if it's forced, it doesn't sound right. Keep up the good work. Can't wait to see your next one.
Crit my song Ignorance of the Safe
Ignorance of the Safe
calvin27_2002
Calvin27
Join date: Oct 2006
161 IQ
#5
haha~ well i think put the 1st and 2nd verse in the same line cause i thought of making a bit of changes in terms of the singing at the 2nd verse~ bout the forcing part~ i guess ya r rite~ coz i like sorta tried to finish the song asap~ will try to modify it or sth when i think of better phrases haha~ thanks for the comments people!

n yea eviltasking, i guess i'll do another once i get some inspirations =)
breaking_plan
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2008
10 IQ
#6
once everything is complete, Cal... u should share ur song on UG... best of luck!
"I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, because a girl like you is impossible to find, you are impossible to find"; because Secondhand Serenade says so.
sneyob
Piraet lief 4 meh!
Join date: Mar 2008
638 IQ
#7
It's pretty interesting, and feels pretty mellow.

I'm not a fan of rhyming words all the time,
and you only rhymed 3/4 lines in the chorus, and that would just sound strange in a song.

I kinda like it, and would say it's nice for a first try at writing,
I would say better than my first stuff.

Just work on consistency in number of lines per verse and rhyme schemes
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
Guns N Russians
Axl Williamovich Rosenov
Join date: May 2007
436 IQ
#8
Man. Hasn't everyone felt like that? It hits home with everyone.

Good for a first song, cal. What I recommend you do is just switch up certain words, take out a word or add in a word and make contractions so it flows better. For instance...

The first two lines of your chorus flow very nicely but you should rework the wording of the second two so they're more rhythmic.

Cause every time I see your face, I feel that I’m so high
The way you look at me, oh girl it makes me wanna fly
And when we touch, I get this feeling I could not deny
Being with you means everything, yeah I'm not gonna lie


The bold verses are the ones with changes. I think the slight changes make the chorus flow significantly better, but it'l up to you whether or not you want to change it. And the last word of the last line off the chorus is just off. I think you should continue with the rhyme scheme somehow. I gave an example of how it could be done.

Good first effort and keep on writing!
Joel2
NinjaPirate
Join date: Dec 2005
179 IQ
#9
This is very good indeed.
anyone can relate to this...its got a bit of an anthemic quality to it
Itd be interesting to know/hear wot sort of a song it is....style?Genre?Tempo?
very good first attempt tho!
breaking_plan
Registered User
Join date: Sep 2008
10 IQ
#10
This song is absolutely great. I heard he sang. Really a nice song... Like a real artist who make a song and sing it.
"I wont live to see another day, I swear it's true, because a girl like you is impossible to find, you are impossible to find"; because Secondhand Serenade says so.
calvin27_2002
Calvin27
Join date: Oct 2006
161 IQ
#11
THanks for the critics and comments guyz~ appreciate it~ well i'm still working on improvising the song~ i have the rhythm of the song already~ will post it up here once i'm done with everything~
guns N russians: well yea i'm making some chgs especially the last line~ i know it doesnt rhyme lol
breaking_plan: i guess u over-rated me lol~
Joel2: hah thanks~ well the rhythm's gonna be pretty mellow, abit of emo feel~ tempo gonna be moderate slow

well thanks for ya comments guyz