#1
Calculated Innocence:

I stared at her
with blinded eyes
I was pacified
My head was filled with
age-old lies

I wake up sweating in
the dead of night
and I'm fright-
ened to find that she is
out of sight

Fell for her way back then
How many times have I been
descending chromatically
to the sweet melody
of her calculated
innocence
I've loved her ever since

I'm scarred within
I'm scarred without
her firespout
of screams that I seem
to shout

my endless doubt,
I'm left bereft of screams
to shout

My eyes have opened
sufficiently
to see
I face destruction
willingly

Fell for her way back then
How many times have I been
descending chromatically
to the sweet melody
of her calculated
innocence
I've loved her ever since

Please critique. C4C.
Last edited by AlienFinger79 at Nov 16, 2008,
#2
Wow. I honestly really enjoyed that. The meaning was right there, i didn't have to look for it, which i really like. It was simple, but yet with good word choice. I really liked that. I don't know that there's anything i would change...It's got a fun rhyme pattern too! good job! thanks for the crit btw!
#4
I really enjoyed this. The only thing I didn't like was the rhyming. In fact, now that I think about it, I don't think I like rhyming in any writing. Even though I'm guilty of it from time to time.

But aside from that (which is really just my own weirdness) this is a really good piece, and like Cyclones41 said, the meaning was right there. Good read.
#5
Wow. I love the rhyming scheme. I'd keep it as is. As its been stated, the meaning is right there. This is the best thing I've read in the songwriting forums thusfar. I really enjoyed it. Good job.

Take a look at my song 'Your Time To Shine' if you could. I'd certainly appreciate it.
#6
I honestly didn't like the rhyming, but the song was great. Great job, dude, i don't think anything really needs to be changed.
#7
Thank you very much for all the praise - it means a lot to me as this is the first song I've submitted here.

That, however, wasn't the reason I submitted it. Won't somebody do me the huge favor of just ripping it to shreds? Or or just tell me which lines were less than optimal? What I should work on with my next piece?

Also, when you say you don't like the rhymes, is it because it seems forced? If so, where? I'd really appreciate all the help I can get.

Thank you for your understanding and thanks once again for your praise. I'm most flattered.
#10
ripped it to pieces as hard as i could, just like you asked.

Quote by AlienFinger79


I stared at her
with blinded eyes
I was pacified
My head was filled
with age-old lies
good opening, sets up well. only critisism here would be the rhyme. its not forced, as others say, but i find that pacified half rhymes with eyes/lies. gives the piece an ABBB feel. and, as a piece of writing, i'd put "with" at beginning of L5, not end of L6. feels better IMO, but i dont know how you have the melody in your head, or how it works to music, so..... just my own opinion there.

I wake up sweating in
the dead of night
and I'm fright-
ened to find that she is
out of sight
good, simple, nothing really too wrong with it. dont see the point of fright - ened. kinda annoyed me, but then again, the melody/music point i made above.

Fell for her way back then
How many times have I been
descending chromatically
to the sweet melody
of her calculated
innocence
I've loved her ever since
brilliant. love the simplicity, and the kind of tagged on line at the end, connected by the rhyme, a great finish.

I'm scarred within
I'm scarred without
her firespout
of screams that I seem
to shout
i dont understand firespout? maybe its a typo. i googled it and got replies about a magic card. i hope thats not what you were talking about. anyway, i dont like the without/firespout rhyme. i just dont like the firespout line here at all, if only because i dont understand it.

My eyes have opened
sufficiently
to see
I face destruction
willingly
good, i like the rhymes here. as a bridge section, it worked well. can see this going well with music. i like the structure, i generally like it.

Fell for her way back then
How many times have I been
descending chromatically
to the sweet melody
of her calculated
innocence
I've loved her ever since
see above chorus.



in all, i like the simplicity. notice how i (tried (im not really thinking much tonight, which is why im critting not writing)) to say that "i liked" bits, not that bits were "good" its all personal preference.

No need to C4C. have this for free. just remember, you owe me.
Last edited by ginjaninja at Nov 13, 2008,
#11
Quote by ginjaninja
ripped it to pieces as hard as i could, just like you asked.


in all, i like the simplicity. notice how i (tried (im not really thinking much tonight, which is why im critting not writing)) to say that "i liked" bits, not that bits were "good" its all personal preference.

No need to C4C. have this for free. just remember, you owe me.

Thank you very much. You are my hero.

Whether "with" should go in L5 or L6 was a struggle - in my mind it was kind of a "in-between"-word which filled a melodically empty space and served a purpose lyrically at the same time - I couldn't cut it, but I didn't know where to place it.

The "fright-ened" was inspired by a song-lyric by a Danish band - really it's just an internal rhyme, but when compared to the other verses, I kinda had to write it like that. It bothered me too.

Both of the above things are bagatels though - it is just ways to write what I'm singing with the music - ways I might have done better. The big stuff is in the next one:

The "firespout"-part. This was a hard one. I kinda just slammed two words together (a spout of fire) because I felt the meaning at the moment, but I couldn't see the reasoning afterwards. I left it there, but not with a good consience. I thought It'd passed the test as nobody had mentioned it but in retrospect, I'm glad to have been wrong. The whole verse probably needs changing.

And yeah, I owe you one, big time.

[Edit]: Verse changed. Not too fond of the "screams to shout" part - it fit in better before - but unless I get a better idea, it'll do. The stanza seems much stronger than it was before anyway.
Last edited by AlienFinger79 at Nov 16, 2008,
#12
Brilliant, I loved the line:

"stared at her
with blinded eyes
I was pacified
My head was filled with
age-old lies"

Needs nothing doing to it IMO

Oh and BTW I don't have any lyrics on here you can read or whatever