#1
This idea for this song came through a discussion during one of my classes at college. This guy said some really bad things about the subject at hand that I won't go into details over. I decided to write a song about him and other things at hand. I haven't wrote a song in a while so here it goes.


Old man with u-shaped hair sitting in his old rocking chair
He looks over at his wife while she breathes in artificial air
He rubs the ring on her right and as they are told to leave
He takes out a sharpie and writes “I love you” on his forearms
He knows he should leave but the illness won’t let him

They should have left when they had the chance
They’re stupid for not leaving
It’s not my fault for their stupidity
They’re fools for staying
The winds of destruction aren’t human
The ignorant thoughts of misunderstanding are.

A young reporter is on the wall as the ocean’s hands pound
Tied to a rope so that he doesn’t end up in a grave mound
He hides his fear as he knows that the people need to know his story
If he somehow survives through the night, there will be morning glory

They’re stupid for not leaving
It’s not my fault for their stupidity
They’re fools for staying
The winds of destruction aren’t human
The ignorant thoughts of misunderstanding are.

A doctor is doing his final rounds at 5 O’clock during land fall
He knows his five children and wife are frightened
He knows his associates abandoned their posts
But he still stands by the law and the Hippocratic Oath
He isn’t going to leave until the last patient leaves

They’re stupid for not leaving
It’s not my fault for their stupidity
They’re fools for staying
The winds of destruction aren’t human
The ignorant thoughts of misunderstanding are.

If we all are fools, then we might as well die
So let’s just have the debris break our glass
Let God’s breathe rip Eden to shreds
Our solders and protectors shouldn’t save us
After all, we’re just fools for not leaving our home
I guess this is just our own shalom
Crit my song Ignorance of the Safe
Ignorance of the Safe
#2
After reading this, the only thing that came to mind was the imagry of someone in the midst of a hurricane and will not or can not leave.

If that's what the discussion was about then you captured it well. This sounds more like a poem/story than a song, but that maybe that's cuz I don't know the melody you were writing this for.

Good job on the creativeness

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#3
Quote by evilnatasking
This idea for this song came through a discussion during one of my classes at college. This guy said some really bad things about the subject at hand that I won't go into details over. I decided to write a song about him and other things at hand. I haven't wrote a song in a while so here it goes.
This is an interesting piece and definitely deserves a full crit. Even if you weren't in Houston anyone who followed the news would understand your references and message

Old man with u-shaped hair sitting in his old rocking chair
He looks over at his wife while she breathes in artificial air good opening, although u-shaped hair is a bit clumsy, especially if this is a song
He rubs the ring on her right and as they are told to leave
He takes out a sharpie and writes “I love you” on his forearms
He knows he should leave but the illness won’t let him

They should have left when they had the chance
They’re stupid for not leaving
It’s not my fault for their stupidity
They’re fools for staying
The winds of destruction aren’t human
The ignorant thoughts of misunderstanding are. This chorus has a great message (even if I perhaps do not agree personally), but I question the flow. Is this really a song, or is it a thought piece/poetry? Some of the lines are quite wordy and they're different lengths, its tough to see in song form

A young reporter is on the wall as the ocean’s hands pound I like 'ocean's hands pound'
Tied to a rope so that he doesn’t end up in a grave mound
He hides his fear as he knows that the people need to know his story
If he somehow survives through the night, there will be morning glory this rhyme sounds a little forced, could see it coming from a mile away

They’re stupid for not leaving
It’s not my fault for their stupidity
They’re fools for staying
The winds of destruction aren’t human
The ignorant thoughts of misunderstanding are.

A doctor is doing his final rounds at 5 O’clock during land fall again, great imagery but very strange flow for a song
He knows his five children and wife are frightened
He knows his associates abandoned their posts Even if it's poetry, this line is too literal/awkward, and it's 'associates' that brings it down. I think you can do better
But he still stands by the law and the Hippocratic Oath Great line and reference
He isn’t going to leave until the last patient leaves Now this is a line with some flow

They’re stupid for not leaving
It’s not my fault for their stupidity
They’re fools for staying
The winds of destruction aren’t human
The ignorant thoughts of misunderstanding are.

If we all are fools, then we might as well die
So let’s just have the debris break our glass Great first line, second line is really a throwaway, getting rid of it makes this verse stronger
Let God’s breathe rip Eden to shreds 'breath' but a terrific line
Our solders and protectors shouldn’t save us
After all, we’re just fools for not leaving our home
I guess this is just our own shalom This really sounds like you kind of threw it in, but it still might work...except this is the ending. The problem with a powerful/profound piece is that it needs pop at the end. This is missing something. Even ending with 'We're just fools' repeated would be better, but I think you can do more


This is as extensive a crit, and as positive, as I've done in a while. You took a timely and important topic and wrote a poignant and imaginative piece about it. FAR too rare on this board, and you get major kudos for this effort. All the same, I can't fully suck up because this seems to be lacking some flow if its poetry, and lacking a lot if it's a song. There are also some individual lines that are somewhat awkward or superfluous. Of course this piece was better to post in the aftermath, but with a bit more time might have come out more polished.

c4c very much appreciated, link to my newest 'Of Felons and Fathers' in my sig. cheers.