#1
New song - crits mucho appreciated.
It's preferrably to a hardcore/punk beat. Think Rise Against.

Enter :: The Antagonist

Nothing left for me to see
My mind’s been filled with black debris
From shotgun shells ricochet
Off brick walls and imaginary asphalt

I see you, don’t try to hide
Just take this blame, forsake your pride
You avoid it, our hate gets worse
And now we’re angrier than ever before

Oh, we just need someone to be angry against
Some poor someone to be subject to our violence
They need cleaned up we say, but blindly ignore our own sins
It’s all the same when they’re the antagonist

On our knees, we shout and cry
That all these beasts deserve to die
And all that’s wrong will then be right
Until we find another fight

(Don’t save me, I’m not the one that needs saved)

What makes us so different?
This hesitation speaks for itself

Oh, we just need someone to be angry against
Some poor someone to be subject to our violence
They need cleaned up we say, but blindly ignore our own sins
It’s all because we’re the antagonist
We’re the antagonist now
#2
Quote by punkforlife93
New song - crits mucho appreciated.
It's preferrably to a hardcore/punk beat. Think Rise Against.

Enter :: The Antagonist

Nothing left for me to see
My mind’s been filled with black debris Like the imagery of the line but not the wording. Maybe if you just take out 'been' it's a little smoother but still kind of awkward
From shotgun shells ricochet
Off brick walls and imaginary asphalt hmm, why are the brick walls real and the asphalt imaginary? I like the imagery though

I see you, don’t try to hide
Just take this blame, forsake your pride
You avoid it, our hate gets worse
And now we’re angrier than ever before

Oh, we just need someone to be angry against
Some poor someone to be subject to our violence I think this is kind of clumsily worded. It's too clever. How about 'Some poor someone to take our violence'
They need cleaned up we say, but blindly ignore our own sins Again, great point you're making, but I'm not that happy with how it's made. The first part is awkwardly cut short for flow, but the line is still too long.
It’s all the same when they’re the antagonist don't fully understand your point here

On our knees, we shout and cry
That all these beasts deserve to die
And all that’s wrong will then be right
Until we find another fight I like this, good part of your story, fight/right is seriously overdone but it works here

(Don’t save me, I’m not the one that needs saved)

What makes us so different?
This hesitation speaks for itself

Oh, we just need someone to be angry against
Some poor someone to be subject to our violence
They need cleaned up we say, but blindly ignore our own sins
It’s all because we’re the antagonist
We’re the antagonist now


The point you're making here is a very important one so I appreciate what you're trying to say and I hope your message takes off. However, if you put as much work into your syntax as you do your message and imagery, this piece will become much stronger.

Return crit always appreciated, 'Of Felons and Fathers' link in my sig!
#3
Quote by punkforlife93
New song - crits mucho appreciated.
It's preferrably to a hardcore/punk beat. Think Rise Against.

Enter :: The Antagonist

Nothing left for me to see
My mind’s been filled with black debris I agree with above poster - this seems a little awkard, but not so awkward that it won't work. The rhymes help a long way flow-wise.
From shotgun shells ricochet
Off brick walls and imaginary asphalt Love this line

I see you, don’t try to hide
Just take this blame, forsake your pride Like these lines
You avoid it, our hate gets worse
And now we’re angrier than ever before Not so much these lines. They seem clumsy and forced. You can do much better.

Oh, we just need someone to be angry against Again, clumsily worded - 'angry against' seems out of place.
Some poor someone to be subject to our violence This would work if it wasn't so long - you should be able to express this in a shorter sentence - and as the above poster mentioned, you don't have to be clever if - and only if - it works better some other way.
They need cleaned up we say, but blindly ignore our own sins
It’s all the same when they’re the antagonist This, however is great.

On our knees, we shout and cry
That all these beasts deserve to die
And all that’s wrong will then be right
Until we find another fight As is this

(Don’t save me, I’m not the one that needs saved)

What makes us so different?
This hesitation speaks for itself And this

Oh, we just need someone to be angry against
Some poor someone to be subject to our violence Same as above
They need cleaned up we say, but blindly ignore our own sins
It’s all because we’re the antagonist
We’re the antagonist now And a good ending.

C4C?
#4
I will C4C both of yours (and anyone else who reviews this, in order of posting) in depth tommorrow, it's like 11:00 in England right now. Thanks for the crits!
#5
Nothing left for me to see
My mind’s been filled with black debris
From shotgun shells ricochet
Off brick walls and imaginary asphalt

--I LIKE THE FIRST TWO LINES. WELL DONE. I READ IT A FEW TIMES, AND FROM WHAT I CAN TELL THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO GO WITH THE LAST TWO LINES RIGHT? IF SO, I THINK IT WOULD MAKE MORE SENSE TO CHANGE "FROM" TO "OF" IN LINE 3 AND ADD -ING TO RICOCHET. "IMAGINARY" IN THE LAST LINE TOTALLY KILLS IT FOR ME THOUGH. I DO NOT HOWEVER HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT ELSE TO PUT THERE THOUGH. JUST SEEMS OUT OF PLACE ...

I see you, don’t try to hide
Just take this blame, forsake your pride
You avoid it, our hate gets worse
And now we’re angrier than ever before

--THIS PART DIDN'T DO MUCH FOR ME OVERALL. I DO LIKE "FORSAKE YOUR PRIDE" HOWEVER.

Oh, we just need someone to be angry against
Some poor someone to be subject to our violence
They need cleaned up we say, but blindly ignore our own sins
It’s all the same when they’re the antagonist

--PRETTY STRONG CHORUS. DON'T LIKE HOW YOU ADDED "ANGRY" IN THE CHORUS AFTER ALREADY TELLING ME THAT YOU WERE ANGRY IN THE VERSE LEADING UP TO IT. KIND OF REDUNDANT. LINE TWO WAS ODD TO ME. "SOME POOR SOMEONE" READS A LITTLE WEIRD, AND I CAN'T TELL YET IF IT'S BRILLIANT OR RETARDED, SO TAKE WHAT YOU WANT FROM THAT. HAHA. I'D LEAVE OUT "OWN" IN THE LINE 3, WE CAN ALREADY TELL YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF. LOVE LINE 4. LIKE I SAID, PRETTY CATCHY CHORUS.

On our knees, we shout and cry
That all these beasts deserve to die
And all that’s wrong will then be right
Until we find another fight

--LIKE THIS PART TOO, AND IT'S HERE THAT THE PUNK TRULY COMES OUT. I JUST IMAGINE THIS TO BE THE PART WERE THE SCREAMO KICKS IN. LINE 4 IS A LITTLE SHORT SYLLABLE WISE, AND RIGHT/FIGHT IS A PRETTY LAME RHYME.

(Don’t save me, I’m not the one that needs saved)

What makes us so different?
This hesitation speaks for itself

Oh, we just need someone to be angry against
Some poor someone to be subject to our violence
They need cleaned up we say, but blindly ignore our own sins
It’s all because we’re the antagonist
We’re the antagonist now

I liked this actually. One of the better reads of today. Would be interested to hear it when it's in full song mode. Make sure you im me ...

if you so incline .... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=956564
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