#1
The title is a work in progress, as is one of the lines in the song.


Why does it seem, that the right words are never the ones I say?
They float around in my head, but get lost up at my tongue, caught up at my teeth
And filtered through the nervousness, and comes out as muttered speech.

So I’ll just keep on writing, these pointless love songs
Because it’s the closest I can get, to telling you how I feel
So I’ll keep on writing, these pointless love songs
Hoping that some day, you’ll know it’s for you

Words on paper are so much simpler, if only I could let you know
But singing these words for this nameless girl, will somehow have to do
My darting eyes of humility, oh how they could lead me straight to you

So I’ll just keep on writing, these pointless love songs
Because I know that if I told you, all I’d do is disappoint you
So I’ll just keep on writing, OH these pointless love songs
In hopes that you’ll open your eyes

Can you hear me?
I am singing
Can you hear me?
I am singing
Can you hear me?
I am singing
I am singing
I am singing

Out to you, but you don’t hear me, you don’t hear me

Just say it
Just say it
Just say it
Why can’t I say it

And you ask me, to write you a song
But little do you know, I already….have

[C4C?]
Last edited by lespaulsg09 at Sep 16, 2008,
#2
Nice thats pretty good, the only complaint I would have is the "can you hear me I am singing" didn't really like that, but thats just me. Sounds really good, good job
#3
Quote by lespaulsg09
The title is a work in progress, as is one of the lines in the song.


Why does it seem, that the right words are never the ones I say?
They float around in my head, but get lost up at my tongue, caught up at my teeth
And filtered through the nervousness, and comes out as muttered speech. Very tense - I can't feel the flow. 'Get lost up at my tongue' you can do better gramatically. I like the way you describe the feeling, but the excact words feels like they've been written too fast.

So I’ll just keep on writing, these pointless love songs
Because it’s the closest I can get, to telling you how I feel
So I’ll keep on writing, these pointless love songs
Hoping that some day, you’ll know it’s for you Despite that you're repeating the same line and even despite the cliché-ness of this, I find myself liking it. If you were to vary it slightly (I know you do a little in the second chorus, but generally) it would be better, methinks.

Words on paper are so much simpler, if only I could let you know
But singing these words for this nameless girl, will somehow have to do
My darting eyes of humility, oh how they could lead me straight to you I like the first two lines of this verse very much, but then the third one comes. It's just plain weird, and it's not even very strong at that. I'd venture a guess that this is the line you were talking about? I'd say replace or, at least, clarify.

So I’ll just keep on writing, these pointless love songs
Because I know that if I told you, all I’d do is disappoint you
So I’ll just keep on writing, OH these pointless love songs
In hopes that you’ll open your eyes Again, a bit cliché, but still solid.

Can you hear me?
I am singing
Can you hear me?
I am singing
Can you hear me?
I am singing
I am singing
I am singing

Out to you, but you don’t hear me, you don’t hear me

Just say it
Just say it
Just say it
Why can’t I say it If it works flow-wise this is really good. If it doesn't, well... I don't know if it's strong enough to stand on its own. Maybe if there's a solo meanwhile?

And you ask me, to write you a song
But little do you know, I already….have Great ending!

[C4C?]


Hope this helps at all.
C4C?
#4
Haha dude i love this piece.~ its really cool. I can picture how ya feel and wat ya trying to say. i love the first verse alot.

'So I’ll just keep on writing, these pointless love songs'
'Words on paper are so much simpler, if only I could let you know'

These 2 are my favorite lines~ Keep it up dude!! great job!