#1
everything is open for interpretation.
alchemy brewed beverages
like a faucet funneling
fools dust into orbit.
hesitant when warmer climates
turn me blue.

exorbent masses of men
heading towards the matter of many.
never ending sweater threads
thought to have been burned
sometime back then.

before a release of melatonin
three grams to be exact,
i hit the floor to give off twenty
but the man before me gave out thirty.

so continuing to kiss feet...
i purchased a shoe polishing stand
off of a black child.
placed it in a protestant confessional,
hoping it would gain some value in its grain.
several days later i returned,
that child looked the same.
Quote by ottoavist

i suppose there's a chance
i'm just a litte too shallow to consider
that maybe i've been a little more eager
each day to wake up and take a shower
brush my teeth and smile for the mirror
#3
I think the verboseness sort of swallowed the piece. You weren't using any huge words, but some of it was like reading tongue twisters, which really took me out of the mood for the piece. Some solid imagery, fantastic alliterations... but when I got done I had to go back and re-read it thrice before I even got any sort of grasp on the content because the writing just enveloped the content because it was difficult to read.

Third stanza was the best for me, it was simpler. It was followable. It read well. Everything else seemed a bit sub-par for you... it just wasn't very readable, at least for me.

Comments/bump on The Bangles appreciated.

-zC
#4
Quote by freshtunes
everything is open for interpretation.
i could see the grin the author got when he wrote this dazzling opener.

i was going to say that this didn't make a whole lot of sense, but then i re-read the piece(actually applying the impact of the opener) and i loved it. i would also like to point out that your imagery and descriptions are brilliant. brilliant.
so there you go, fucker.

/cocksuck
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#5
The opening line was fantastic, but then it just escaped into this realm of lengthy words that are just Thesaurus findings; thats what they felt like to me.

I still am unaware of what this is clearly about, which is diapointing because it is written so well. Your literay devices are awesome and your one-liners are truly epic, and there is plenty of cynicism and critical points at different topics that the hardcore readers will be happy to view, but some of your word choices and flow issues makes this piece to really difficult to grab onto.

Digitally Clean