#1
im in 9th grade


my english teacher says we have to work on "showing not telling" and yeah how is it


I marveled at the endless water that stretched farther than the eye could see. The sun’s light spangled dots across the ocean. Children my age ran past me, their kites dancing, being guided by the breeze.
“Are you going to swim or just stand there?” jeered my younger brother Cody. He resembled a seal, with his short dark hair, and jet black rash guard. We raced into the water. At first I was stunned; the water felt like ice on my bare feet. After my body finally adjusted to the change in temperature, Cody and I had a sand fight, where we threw sand at each other. However, we eventually separated, for my brother was a weaker swimmer and waded in the shallow end, while my calling was to deeper waters.
Continuing to gaze at the infinite ocean, it looked like I could see the edge of the world. Having the natural instinct of an explorer, I decided to swim to the horizon, to go where no man has gone before. It would be my own private odyssey. After daydreaming a little, I left cloud 9, and back into reality. There I began my trek to where the ocean met the sky.
To my surprise, my stamina depleted rapidly. I mean, I could still see the beach for crying out loud! Cody seemed to be out of sight. However, my curiosity overpowered my concern for my brother (that is, if I had any in the first place). I decided to rest. Suddenly, I came to the horrific realization that my feet didn’t touch the bottom anymore.
“Uh-oh,”
I panicked. I tried swimming back, but the tied kept pulling me in. For every foot closer to the beach, the tide pulled me back two. Five minutes passed and I ended up deeper than I started. Trapped in Poseidon’s death grip, I knew I was doomed. An invisible force was pulling me under. With titan strength is dragged me down. I fought my way to the surface, for a single gasp of breath, only to be dunked under once again by the cruel monster that possessed the ocean. Choking for air, but receiving only salt water in return, I prayed for a miracle.
“Help!” “Help,” I choked and screamed at the same time. My throat stung from both the consumption of salt water, and the screaming. Alas, no one would be bold or stupid enough to wander in waters this deep. Even if someone heard my cries, they would be a fool to wander this far. Wait. A group of girls twenty feet inland perceived my verbal S.O.S. They were older than me, at least fifth grade, and thankfully they were better swimmers. A tall girl with hair that shared the hues of the sun grabbed my wrist and pulled me back towards the beach. She must have been on steroids to be able to out muscle the tide like that. When we finally reached shallow she asked what my name was.
“Dy-Dylan,” I managed to choke after coughing up some H2O from Hell. Thank God she did not arrive two minutes earlier, or she might have just left me after sensing the slight rise in temperature of the water around me.
The three minute trip to the shore seemed like hours, magnified by my lust for land. When we got there, we said bye, and she went off to play with her friends in the deep water. I wanted to kiss the ground, but feared getting sand in my mouth. In a time of youth and condescension towards the opposite sex, I was glad Cody was not there to see me get saved by a girl. Needless to say, I was never a fan of going to the beach after that.
#2
*slow clap*
Anti-Sig


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#3
mmmm... ok... but sometimes your descriptions push it. for this kind of story anyway... i didn't like his brother resembling a seal, or a sand fight in which we threw sand at each other. i really liked the phrase Poseiden's death grip, but it seems strange for a kid under 10 to narrarate like this. it was descriptive, but corny at times. easily fixed. i like it. only a few strange descriptions, but overall you described well. if any thing, i would pick more important parts and describe them with an entire paragraph, and the less important things with one to two long sentences.

i give it ... 7.8... mb 8. yeah eight. good job

#4
I think it looks like you were trying too hard to make metaphors when you were writing this. Just let it flow, don't push the words out.
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#5
I agree that some of the writing is a little forced, but it is a hell of a lot better than almost anything I've seen the 9th graders write in my school.
Nikolas
#6
Don't over describe things either; let your readers derive some meaning for themselves. For instance, you have like four sentences just talking and talking about how strong the current was, when one strong sentece would suffice and would also help your story flow much more smoothly.
its 1:56 am and i just ate 6 chocolate chip cookies in not even near as many minutes