#1
A poem i just wrote. It took me all of 5 minutes. Tear it apart.

The alarm clock displays "5:37 A.M." in a red so bright that it hurts my eyes.
I have barely begun to feel weary
and as soon as I rest my head,
The alarm clock screams at me to begin the same day as yesterday and the day before,
consisting of the same monotonous activities: School, homework, then sleep.
The same day, but a different date.
It's like my alarm clock is a time machine that rewinds to the previous day
when I slam my fist down on the snooze button in the morning.
Why couldn't I have purchased the time machine on a more exciting day?
Even a day of waiting in line at the ****ing DMV would have sufficed.
Maybe I'll unplug my alarm clock tonight
and finally live tomorrow.

EDIT: why dont the thread titles ever get updated when theyre edited? i always feel like a fool when i make silly mistakes like this.
Last edited by Vol=11 at Sep 17, 2008,
#2
It certainly tells the story most of us go through every single ****ing day,
and it captures that frustration.

I like the last two lines,
they imply that we'll never really live until we go by our own time.

Now, of course, this poem is screaming for organization of some kind.

Maybe a little cleaning up and it will be more friendly to casual readers
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#3
none of my poems have any real structure because i write them mostly in prose. the closest i get to organizing a poem is if i write it in free verse, and even that can be a difficult read. thanks for the tips though. the last two lines are my favorites as well.
#4
I had mixed feelings about this, but I really write in protest of your opening. I strongly think you should submit every piece without telling the reader how much effort went into it. Saying you just wrote it quickly means either bragging or copping out and not standing behind your work, and in this case definitely the latter. You wrote it. You thought it was interesting enough to type it up and post it. Let the reader decide how much work did and should go into it. My view. cheers.
#5
i don't even remember saying how much effort was put into it. i simply mentioned how long it took to construct. in fact, i don't even write a piece unless i plan on putting my heart into it. my work is terrible when i don't devote myself to it, so why would i even put in half of my efforts into something for undesirable results. seems foolish to me.
#6
True, you didn't say how much effort went into it. But saying you wrote it in 5 minutes, that's scarcely enough time for a write, let alone a critical self-edit or any further drafts. This argument is not worth pursuing further, but next time just leave out any mention of time/effort. It adds nothing and potentially detracts.
#7
Haha...not to butt into that arguement but 5 min can be enough time to write gold huh? Spontaneous is cool sometimes I think.
Anyways, I don't feel you have your own voice. Find something worthwhile in your day, look for the good parts. Your writing will feel more alive and from you. Centered?
I'm only saying that cause this piece describes pretty much how I'm feeling, or was for awhile, but I just found new ways to look at each day and my writing got much fresher.
or maybe the dead feeling in the writing is a parallel to the stagnance you feel in your day to day life and you're a genius...ha
#9
Quote by BigBassFishing
Haha...not to butt into that arguement but 5 min can be enough time to write gold huh? Spontaneous is cool sometimes I think.
Anyways, I don't feel you have your own voice. Find something worthwhile in your day, look for the good parts. Your writing will feel more alive and from you. Centered?
I'm only saying that cause this piece describes pretty much how I'm feeling, or was for awhile, but I just found new ways to look at each day and my writing got much fresher.
or maybe the dead feeling in the writing is a parallel to the stagnance you feel in your day to day life and you're a genius...ha


haha lets go with the latter.

but in all seriousness, thanks for all the advice.
#10
You lost my interest in the first bars, it has no form, no vague or deep meaning, except to yourself. When constructing a song/poem, you need to reach your meaning into the minds of the listener, and/or reader. Which brings a brilliant quote to my mind, "A good writer can make you think, a great writer can make you believe."

Thus, as a manic writer, I will give you the ,"good bad and the ugly" of this comment.
Your song in itself reminds me of the alarm clock, eg., same old bitching about repeating life.
The lyrics does not conceive a half-meaningful topic besides a kid who does not want to wake up and repeat life.

Life is repetitive, in fact, if life wasn't repetitive, we would thus fail at life. Havn't you ever heard the quote, "practice makes perfect?." Repetition in life makes us good at routine, which is an essential key of success. This repetition teaches us the fundamentals of living period. Mostly, your lyrics need more,"pizazz," more meaning, it's too dull, also the form is horrible. It reminds me of a post-traumatic stress patient in a Dr. Suess book.

Try again, next time try something deeper, but yet simplistic.
Otherwise you're going to attract the 5% of the population who indulges in non-chromatic, senseless poetry, resembling a depressed quasi-literate teenager who hates repetition.

Sincerely,

Sean The Baptist.

P.S.

I do not wish to disindulge you from writing, keep it up, and perfect it to the standards of convention, and you will make alot of the ****ing illiterate readers/listeners happy!
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Last edited by SeanTheBaptist at Sep 18, 2008,