#1
As of now, unfinished.

(NOTE: The first paragraph I'll write (in the lyrics) generally is just read or stated to set a tone, not sang)

"Real feeling,
He that watches the sun,
longing for more,
and recieving none


For darkness,
We fall into oblivion
for the heartless,
we give our all
Can man be so ashamed?
To hear what they have said
Can fear be so calm?
To quiet the cries of the dead

In darkness,
We ride for the light
In sadness,
we return the order
When does life end?
For it truly goes on
Who can say when?
We die looking for more

Freedom in thought,
We surrender the art
Returning but cold and broken
The truth that he sought,
To save our hearts
Finding that it had been stolen

Taking our thoughts,
surrender your arms
Your walls have been broken
The truth they forgot
That's crushing our hearts
We are truly fallen"
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#3
Thanks man.

I wanted to know if anyone has thoughts on the way I constructed the rhyme scheme in the two chorus (cuz that's what they are) paragraphs? (the last two)

I wanted to make them similar to each other without straight up repeating.

Also, since it's a work in progress I haven't named it,
but I was thinking "Turly Fallen", like the last two lines.
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#6
Thanks!

But yeah, the singing begins after the first four lines, on the line "For darkness"

I think it works well as a simple spoken poem,
but I just like to write songs that could double as poetry
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM
#7
Hmm i dont agree with your critting, however this is pretty awesomenesssessseseses
a little lost.....
#8
very dark, good flow, kept me interested.. its really good.. i just hope that all the songs you write dont follow the same style, like all the mainstream bullshiz music on radio and tv
Quote by MedicreDemon
Metalheads aren't assholes.


It's the damn Blues fans.


Quote by Stimpomatic
one of my friends wouldnt let me play turok 2 for the n64 with him so i threw my controller at the back of his head and hit him pretty hard.

haha
#10
Thanks for the responses!

I like to think I have my own writing style musically, so I don't fear it sounding too much like what's popular on the TV...
But everything an artist writes is directly influenced by what they listen to, it's it's inevitable that when it's finished this will sound like something already out there.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I'm naming this song "Truly Fallen", so it's not really untitled now
Blindfolds aside I'd probably still close my eyes

And try to feel a trembling fetal life inside
that shotgun barrel that's about to make me bleed

Like an ulcer in the stomach of the beast


Quote by Aurex
your sarcasam amuses me


CSUSM