#1
you lack of nothing.
bled paper white
yr skin begs grasps
and i spend each night
teasing every bit
of my handfuls of flesh.
trace her pretty
with yr head on her hips.
playing in blankets of cattails
soft prickles left by lips.
an ache for want
a quiet need
blemish's ardor.
Last edited by pixiesfanyo at Sep 18, 2008,
#2
alright, great opening, but this:
yr skin irks grasps
can't hardly be read out loud. i see where you're going with the rhyme(if intentional) but i just don't think it smoothes itself out too well. i think "each" would be more appropriate between "spend" and "night," because the word that's in its place at the moment is in the line right below it.
and i'm done clutching straws now.
this was a really good piece man.

if you have time, maybe you could take a glance at "MRI."?
don't feel obliged.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#3
Dan... thats me... agrees with ottoavist... thats him. That line sounds like cackling or gurgling wine that you don't want to swallow but feel obliged to because everyone is watching. (I'm not a wine snob by the way)

Your last four lines were perfectly gorgeous; Ben&Jerry's ice cream with a warm comfy spoon and a nice girl to spoon with.

Emm, not much else to say I'm afraid, I really enjoyed reading this.
#5
I really enjoyed this. I almost wish there were more, but I think that may compromise what you have already. I'd definitely like to read more of your work, especially it were in a similar vain as this.

Minor complaint: It'd be GREAT if you could add those two little letters (o and u) in between the other two letters (y and r).
#6
^i see what you're saying, but i believe the way the word is spelled at the moment creates a bit of indication that almost indirectly signifies the dissonance and disorientation that the piece was originally supposed to communicate to the reader.
imo, of course; i could be dead wrong.

oh, and btw this looks great now after the edit.
of course, this is also imo.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#8
fuck.
There's a road that leads to the end of all suffering. You should take it.


- Jericho Caine


secret, aaaaagent maaan.
secret, aaaaagent maaan.
#10
"yr skin begs grasps"

A little too weird.

Not as good as normal. In essence, it just doesn't feel solid, formed.
マリ「しあわっせはーあるいってこないだーからあるいってゆっくんだねーん 
いっちにっちいっぽみーかでさんぽ
 さーんぽすすんでにっほさっがるー 
じーんせいはっわんつー!ぱんち・・・


"Success is as dangerous as failure. Hope is as hollow as fear." - from Tao Te Ching

#11
My only qualm was with the last two lines... The rest sounded like Taking Back Sunday went and got mature on us... I guess that's a good thing.

When will you learn that most people pronounce your/e as yer and you might as well spell it yer or your or you're cause they all sound the same as yr. and don't look like an abbreviation for year.